if life is a highway

A Landing Place

2010-12-11T13:09:00.002-06:00


Our Table on the 4th Night of Chanukah, Second Week of Advent

******************************

I wrapped my hands around the cup of hot tea and closed my eyes. Just briefly. And in those few seconds with my eyes closed, I smiled. Guitars and voices filled the room with music. This has always been where I feel peaceful: surrounded by people I love and the sound of music. We had already lit the Shabbat candles, stood under the tallit to be blessed, heard the sound of the shofar, and enjoyed our meal and Torah discussion together. Now the children screamed happily in the basement, the baby passed from one family member to another, we chatted and sipped hot tea.

These are the other pilgrims on our journey. They believe Jesus, and they believe in the importance of honoring the Jewish history of Jesus. They believe in the importance of traditions, rituals, within our families and among fellow pilgrims - not in following traditions in a legalistic way, but in enjoying tradition, honoring it, and letting it point us to Jesus.

We first met with them six weeks ago. Six weeks ago I realized that we found the place where we belong. It isn't the Western church. It isn't church in any traditional sense at all. It is church in its truest incarnation - people who are bound together by the love of Jesus and who serve God and serve each other in a way that draws others to God. No judgment regarding various traditions, just fellowship and study in the presence of other believers.

******************************

The Messianic tradition is something that has interested me for a long time. Mango & I attended a few different Messianic congregations while we were looking for a church in our early marriage. My favorite Mama message board (Gentle Christian Mothers) has a large contingent of people who participate in Jewish/Biblical holidays and traditions (whether they are Jewish by birth or not). Then, a few years back, I met a wonderful woman who became one of my dearest friends, and her husband began a ministry organization called Hebrew For Christians. A few months ago they invited us to join them for their Shabbat meal and Torah study. I cannot begin to tell you how rightly this fits our family and our faith. When most people think of the roots of Christianity, they think of Augustine and Thomas Aquinas. Later, we think of Martin Luther and Charles Wesley. The Messianic movement takes church history all the way back to its roots - the Hebrew people, the promise of God to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, the rituals and traditions instituted by God for the benefit of the people of God, the Jewish people.

******************************

In saying these things, I want to be careful to acknowledge that there are many, many ways to follow God. You don't have to follow a set of rituals and instructions to be a Christian person. You don't have to believe me or your neighbor or your pastor or your best friend. You just have to believe God. We've been on this journey for a very, very long time, and this is our landing place for now.

I didn't actually think we were ever going to come to a landing place. When I began writing about church this summer, I had no idea where it would lead. In a strange way, this has been a much more public journey than I would have chosen. Had a known we were going to land here, I would have begun writing here, and then you wouldn't have heard the groaning and frustrations of my previous posts. Perhaps, I had to make the plea aloud, speak the desire to land somewhere, before we could be cleared for landing.

grace packaging

2010-10-30T09:23:00.003-05:00

I asked for a glass of ice and she handed it to me in a hot, freshly washed coffee mug. The ice was quickly melting, giving me something to drink while chomp chomp chomping. I love ice.

I sat down to write and every time I reached for my mug it would warm my hand so that the ice cold water would surprise my lips and teeth.

(I know. I know. You just never know what I might talk about when you come here...bear with me...I kind of know where this is going. Sort of.)

The contrast of the cup and the ice got me thinking about how two things can be really different and both be good, maybe for different reasons to different people. For the longest time I've been fighting to believe that certain things make me uncomfortable because they should. Like I'm a warm glass and they are ice cubes packed up high to my top, cooling me down when I don't want to be cooled, changing me from the very thing I am and its out of my control. I mean, if you're all warm and cozy, the last thing you need is a bunch of ice...you get the idea.

Maybe.

Let me give you an example. I'm a Christian, right? But I feel like I'm constantly explaining, to people (who are new to my life anyway), that I'm not very stereotypical in my faith. I don't have a Jesus fish on my car, I've never owned a WWJD bracelet, and overall I'm not very conservative. My entire life, the Christian bubbles I floated through were places that felt pretty foreign to me, and over time I took that to mean there was something wrong with me. What I've come to learn over the years is that it isn't about me being wrong or that particular "brand" of Christianity being wrong, but rather, maybe I'm just simply not all that Evangelical.

The foundation of my beliefs at their core are definitely Christian, and for that I'm not the least bit ashamed. It's just that I continue to try to reconcile those beliefs with how things are in the Evangelical Christian world of today and I can never do it. So often, not much of it makes sense to me. So often, Christians create their own version of something good by adding or subtracting
to align their religion with their opinions. I've never been good at swallowing that, and I've even been known to rant on and on and on about how much I don't like it.

There are still many many things to get angry about. I guess I'm just finally ready to not take on those things like it's entirely up to me to scream until it's fixed. I don't like it one bit that large Christian events like the one I attended last weekend are overly commercialized, filled with excess beyond t-shirts and coffee mugs and into "get your own platinum card with our logo!" I don't like it that the speakers at this Christian event had "a person," each of them, "a person," to follow them and take care of them and parade them to their seats for security's sake. And I don't have to like that there was a garbage between each of their chairs, just two or three feet from the next one, the chairs and the garbages all in a row facing a flat screen television that sat directly in front of the stage where what could be seen on the TV could be seen in real life, simultaneously, one right on top of the other.

There were so many flat screen televisions, surrounding the base of the center-of-the-arena-circular stage, up high, down low, off to the sides, next to the beautiful glass panes that made a fence-like structure for the speakers with its glowing logo on every pane. A glowing logo that changed colors on a timer, mesmerizing my already easily distracted self.

It was done up big, yo.

And it made me itchy. Because I know far too well the places that money could go, if this event were stripped down and simplified. I know how much money would be left for those places where it's needed most if at least some of the excess was stripped away. For me, so often, sitting in the midst of all of it felt like ice in a hot cup.

I was trying to reconcile the good things of grace that I was experiencing with the logo and the products and the TV's. It was like I could feel the clashing of opposites in my soul and in the air.

Feed the hungry! Get your platinum credit card!
God's grace is for you and he loves you! Get your tote or coffee mug!

And then it hit me, as I sat right there in that chair feeling overstimulated and confused. I remembered the comment I received on the EO recently, the one that expressed frustration at watching my journey turn into what it has. How I'm traveling so much and having all of these opportunities come up and I thought Is this what I look like now? Am I doing it up big? Are my readers sitting there trying to read my heart and feeling blinded by my speaking and traveling and the writing of a book?

It hurt to think that, to not know what to do or to have all the answers for how to do this right. Because the last thing I want is to ask you to apply for a platinum card with EO on it, so to speak.

I never imagined any of the things that are happening, you know? I didn't sign up for this, and still it just happened at the same time as I guess I made it happen, by putting myself out there so...much.

~~~~~

The morning I attended this very large event in the very large place with the very many people and very many lights and TVs and myriad of things for sale, I went to Target, hurriedly and over-tired. It was early and I'd been up most of the night and I wanted me a Dr. Pepper. I was very focused on the Dr. Pepper. The store had just opened recently and I was the only person walking in, very few cars in the parking lot. A young man came through the automatic door as I walked up and he seemed to be walking directly for me, so I looked up to meet his eyes, his eyes with a little glint in them. He asked me how I was and I said fine and asked him how he was. He reached out his hand and I knew this was the moment when I was supposed to question what he wanted and whether or not I would say yes or no, to help without suspicion or to sheepishly decline with an excuse because my gut was telling me no. But none of that was happening, I just felt peaceful. I reached out and felt the shape of a card, one that had a receipt wrapped around it, one that was being handed to me. He was saying I got what I needed and there's a little bit left on that gift card so I thought I would give it to you...it's not much, but maybe you can use it toward your purchase.

I walked away calling thank yous over my shoulder and fighting back over-tired and touched with emotion tears.

What a guy.

It was simple. No one was around to see it. He was fighting back a very proud smile. He was humble about all of it and this small thing changed me.

There was $2.02 on that card. More than enough for a Dr. Pepper fountain soda with lots of ice for chomping.

This experience was completely stripped of excess and just as powerful as the changing lights and booming sounds and big names of the conference I was about to attend. A conference that would end up leaving me changed just as the man in the parking lot had. Because people stood up on that stage and they told their truths, their stories, and especially when adoption was spoken of, I was rocked to my core.

So. I guess I'm more comfortable with the small things, the extraordinary things that happen in my small day-to-day life. They fit me. And yet there is something God can do with anything, anything, even things that can feel a bit inauthentic on the surface, overdone and commercialized. I don't know how this particular popular Christian event took this course. I can't judge its journey to survive and thrive. I don't know if all the money that's made is going to help the poor and the hungry, the fatherless and the widow, and maybe it is. I don't know. All I know is that it made me care more deeply about the orphans of this world, because of its fine choices for musical guests and speakers, people who are not thinking of themselves as people who need their own "person" to escort them everywhere, but people who adopt and serve and love and talk about it.

I could be wrong, but I highly doubt that the intention of creators of this event is to get rich quick. Most likely they just want to help, like my friend in the Target lot, and like me.

I don't know what's going to happen next, but I do know that I'm more of a warm cup than an ice cube. And when ice cubes make me uncomfortable, maybe it's not so bad to endure the clashing I feel inside to experience something I may not fully understand but God is certainly always using. He's much bigger than opposite clashing temperatures, in my opinion. He will use me big or small because it's true what they say...he does not send those who are equipped...he equips those he sends.

I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes I may think it's horrible to add ice, but maybe I need to realize that as it melts, I can get at least one drink out of it. A drink from a place I wouldn't expect to find quenching. Those are everywhere and in every form.

Grace is a mysterious and tricky chameleon, and I love it.

~~~~~

This post is a part of 31 Days of Grace at Chatting at the Sky.

Life Without Church - Part 3

2010-10-28T08:53:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I wonder if the longing for something that looks like "church" isn't sort of the same longing that we homeschooling parents sometimes have for those "school" type things. I know that I look back and think of the good times I had at school, and I get all nostalgic, and I wonder if I'm cheating Mane out of something, some experience she isn't getting to have. Then I remember that I'm homeschooling to give her a different kind of experience, one that I hope will be equally positive (or more) and that she'll have plenty of nostalgia about someday. It just won't be the same nostalgia I feel for my school days.

I know I feel that same nostalgia about church. I remember the Bible verses and the Sunday School songs and the people who loved me. Then I want those things for Mane, and I wonder why we aren't going to church. It could be, though, that it's just the same as homeschooling. Mane isn't having the same experiences I had. She's having different ones. Maybe she's having some better ones. And, hopefully, she'll be able to look back fondly someday on the things we did together as a family, the people we met along the way on this faith journey, and the experiences we had.

It's a fine line, a balancing act, a bit of a blur to distinguish: What am I wanting because I really need it, and what am I wanting just for the familiarity and safety. How do I trust my intuition when my intuition is so connected to my emotion? How do I trust my own decisions when they fall so outside the mainstream?

***********************

Still no answers. But this is what came to me after Part 2. And, I realize that Part 2 sounds a bit too much like an easy answer following Part 1. I was just so amazed at how miraculously that prayer book seemed to have dropped into our laps when we needed it the most. It seemed, in some ways, a confirmation that we could really do some of this at home, that we don't need a church building and a church service to develop a practice of prayer, even some liturgy and tradition. It seems like that's something we could all learn, whether we attend church or not. For us, it filled a desperate need.

Life Without Church - Part 2

2010-10-08T21:34:00.004-05:00

Disclaimer: This is not an answer to my previous post: Life Without Church - Part 1. It is simply another piece of the journey.

********************

I was left with a longing in my heart and spirit when I left the baptism that day in August, and as the new school year began (we homeschool) I was searching for just the right thing to fill the longing for something more structured in our spiritual lives. My eyes landed on a little green book on my bookcase. I pulled it down. It had been a garage sale find - a Celtic prayer book. I picked it up because Mango's ancestors came from Scotland and because I have a certain affinity toward things that add tradition and ritual to daily life, though I find those things much more difficult to carry out in practice.

Over the years I have discovered something important about myself with regard to beginning a daily practice of anything. I know this may sound counter-intuitive, but I have to give myself permission to not actually do it every single day, to miss a day now and then. And I have to introduce it to Mane that way, too. Because Mane is 8 years old and still thinking in a mostly concrete way, I can't tell her this is something we're going to do every single day or she'll go crazy if we miss a day. So, I tell her, "We'll do this whenever we can, as often as possible. It might not be every day. We might miss a day, and that's ok."

When I'm talking to her, I'm talking to myself. It's ok to not be perfect, to make mistakes, to be flexible. My problem isn't that I'm too concrete. It's that I'm too much of a rule follower, having grown up in a rule following kind of family and a rule following kind of church. When I can't follow through, even when it's just my own rules, I feel defeated, a failure. So, I gave myself permission, from the get-go, to be flexible, to do what works, to make this our own prayer practice, not a rote, rule-following practice. And, we began.

Within a week I realized that we were meeting this need, filling this empty space. We need the [flexible] structure that that this little prayer book helps to provide. And we need the tradition and ritual that we're missing by not attending a church. Something about praying The Lord's Prayer with Mane every night helps me feel connected with other pilgrims on this journey everywhere, and I can relax knowing that she will know this prayer, too. And when she visits churches here or in Scotland or Russia or Mexico or some other unknown place where other believers join together in The Lord's Prayer, she will know it, too. I want her to have that.

We also say the Magnificat each night, which is the prayer or song of Mary, as recorded in the book of Luke. After hearing me read it for a week, Mane declared that she wanted to learn it. After hearing it for 3 weeks, she could recite it alone with no prompts. Two weeks later, I've learned it, too. I've written before about the power of repetition, how we move things from our right brain to our left brain and into our bodies through repetition (and, thus, memorization), and so I am delighted that Mane is learning such beautiful passages of scripture, prayers for her to cling to when she doesn't know what to pray for herself, prayers that she will believe in her mind and her body as she has learned them inside out.

Morning prayers include a time for us to pray over our own intentions for the day. Midday prayers have a space for congratulating ourselves for something. Evening prayers leave an opening for expressing gratitude and for petitions. I love that there is both structure and openness, liturgy and spontaneous prayer. I find that Mane appreciates the liturgical because she doesn't always know what to say in her own prayers. And I appreciate the prompt to speak my spontaneous prayers aloud, allowing Mane to "eavesdrop." I often keep my prayer life cloistered, though I have desperately wanted to teach her what it is to know and follow God. That seems a bit contradictory. So, using this prayer book pushes me to move out of my prayer closet and lead by example.

We don't want our lack of church attendance to mean that we raise a child who doesn't know scripture or understand prayer. Our intention has actually been the opposite - that she's understands authentic prayer and true Christianity better without the buzz of religiosity and legalism in her ears. It requires so much intentionality, though, to do that outside the structure of church-going. It requires us to build our own structure. This new practice of prayer (because it's actually pretty new for me, too, being a somewhat Catholic prayer book) is a piece of that structure. It isn't other pilgrims on the journey or the community we long for, but it's a connection to them, a link to all the generations of Christians who have gone before us and who walk beside us unawares.

*************************

Stay tuned...because I think parts 3 & 4 are coming. (If I tell you this, it will hold me accountable to actually writing those things...)

Life Without Church - Part 1

2010-09-28T10:26:00.000-05:00

The following was written about a month ago, and I never really finished it, but I started writing something else today and realized that what I was writing was "Part 2" of this post. So, today I give you Part 1...

I went to a baptism yesterday. It was the first time I've attended church in years. And it wasn't a church service, per se. It was an outdoor baptism service following the "regular" church service. It was hot and bright and the late summer wind was stirring up all my allergies. Even so, I found myself feeling all sentimental and nostalgic, closing my eyes to sing and just be with the Jesus-followers around me, in all of our imperfection and discomforts...and commitment to the same God and Creator, who forgives us our imperfections and loves us like we love our children, fiercely and unconditionally. I found myself singing that oh-s-familiar refrain,

I have decided to follow Jesus
I have decided to follow Jesus
I have decided to follow Jesus
No turning back
No turning back

The simplicity was stunning. And my eyes were stinging. And I realized that I wanted Mane to know this song. I want her to have the precious little gems I got out of growing up in church. Somehow, I want her to have this experience of being a pilgrim on a journey with other pilgrims. I want her to know that our family isn't the only family on this journey. I want her to know that there are other people in this family. I want her to know that following God comes in all shapes and sizes, that everybody has unique ways of being a God-follower. I want church. Not a building. Church. I want people who have the grace to not argue theology and church politics, who won't get hung up on doctrine. I want to talk about all of those things. But I don't want to argue. And, in the end, I want grace.

The real truth is that we don't go to church because we don't want Mane's impressionable mind to loaded with prejudices and legalism and an all-one-way kind of doctrine. And we don't want to have to be exactly like everybody else to belong. And, really, we want a church that is more about relationships than Sunday, Wednesday and Saturday services.

I don't know what this means because we haven't found what we want anywhere. And maybe it's because we don't have enough grace and flexibility to just go and be there and forgive the differences and choose to be part of something anyway. It's so difficult to find the line where wanting grace and flexibility becomes graceless and rigid.

I do know that, because we don't go to a church service in a church building, we have to be that much more intentional about teaching our children who we are and what we believe. Church-going offers a structure that is hard to come by in any other way. We must, instead, be intentional about finding fellowship, learning scripture, practicing prayer, and singing those favorite hymns. It's harder than I had imagined.

what matters most to you?

2010-08-26T11:03:00.005-05:00

I've been having an email conversation with a friend. She's known all her life that she's gay. She has fought this all of her life. She is preparing to tell her truth and to therefore be disowned by her family. She is ready to be honest.

My response to her?

I love you. I'm sorry you're hurting.

The End.

I just finished watching the conversation between Jennifer Knapp (a Christian artist and a lesbian) and Pastor Bob Botsford on Larry King Live. It left me itchy. Whatever your beliefs about homosexuality, I'm confused at what point a person finds themselves the authority, the one to say, Choose between Christianity and your sexuality.

I'm a Christian, and I know this is a hot button issue in my faith community. Sometimes I'm just not so sure why we're even talking about it. Why are we so focused on it? As Christians, what "should" we be focusing on?

Derek Webb asks some good questions...
(if you don't like swears, don't watch it)

As usual I love the point that's made through this song, that we're so focused on the wrong things. Please tell me, if a person is expending their little left-over energy on another person's moral choices, how do they have room for the sick and the poor and the orphan and the widow?

Sometimes I wish we all could sit together the exact same way we alcoholics sit together. If we did, I'm certain we'd have no room in our hearts for judging lifestyles. Those hearts would be so filled with the power of mercy and a holy redemptive freedom, we would go mute. There would be a lull in the crowd, mouths agape, standing in awe of love. We would see each other the way Christ sees us and the words that follow the pointed finger would be held captive by grace.

I guess this makes me a grateful alcoholic who fully admits she doesn't have all the answers, and is too busy learning to love and be loved to pass my time digging around in the lives of others in an effort to be right out of fear.

I want to transcend, to rise above all of this. I really do. To be a friend to my friend, and that is all.

Pastor Bob says that "sin is not ruling my(his) life," and that Jennifer is "not allowing Jesus Christ to reign over her life."

This is what gets me. Those very words. Those beliefs. It hurts. I hurt for my friend and I hurt for me. Because had people known about my addiction and had they told me, "Sin is ruling your life Heather"...I highly doubt it would have helped me, even if they were right to some degree, a degree I can't claim to fully understand. It would have left me hurting, even if they added, I tell you this because I love you.

I'm pretty sure my heart's response would have been something like, Okay. Now what am I allowed to tell you? Should I point out the way you believe you hold some higher authority, some right to point fingers? Have you ascended beyond having sin rule over your life? What are you not seeing about yourself if can say such things? Unless you can honestly say you're perfect, it's very difficult to find the dividing line between the sin-ruled life and the life Jesus reigns in.

If a man walks into a meeting with fellow alcoholics and says that he's relapsed and cannot stop. If he smells of whiskey with a touch of red wine, what happens?

Open arms, friends. Open arms. We're glad you're here today. That is the only response. And that is why the room is safe and holy, life-giving and life-changing. The change will come. After love.

I can't claim to know if homosexuality is a choice or a sin...I can't. I can't spend my energy looking over the arguments on both sides, arguments that both hold valid points and believable research. I don't think that's what I'm here to do. My friend's journey is her own, as is mine, and I simply love her for being her.

I just needed to get that off my chest.

The truth is, most Christians think alcoholism is a choice

2010-06-27T07:42:00.004-05:00

When I say that alcoholism is a disease, I'm often met with the same response from Christians,

Well... kind of.

Family, friends, professionals, it doesn't matter,

Well...kind of.

The commonality among people who have said this to me? They are not alcoholics.

I do understand why Christians struggle to understand alcoholism. As believers in the Bible, what comes to mind for them is "do not become drunk on wine..."

~~~~~

As a Christian and an alcoholic, I struggle with this mentality. I don't want to become angry or resentful, I just hope that I can help people understand, even if my effort here falls on many a deaf ear, I guess I just need to say what I need to say and then let it go.

I don't want to argue, but I do want to talk about this.

The way alcoholism is approached in most Christian circles is truly damaging. There is already so much shame in the mind and heart of the alcoholic, so to hear the message that this disease is a sin and a choice only compounds those feelings and therefore hurts rather than helps.

I'm writing about this today because I heard a pastor speak last night and it left me hurting, sad, frustrated....

The pastor was invited to speak to a group of alcoholics, to encourage and enlighten. I respect this man and truly appreciate him for having the courage to stand up and talk to people he may not fully understand. I believe he was nervous and uninformed, so this isn't about blame or judgment. This is about a deep desire in my heart to prevent my fellows from being hurt in the way they were last night. That's all it is.

To make a long story short, what I heard last night was that I've made my bed and it's going to be difficult, but now I have to lie in it and I should remember to love everyone, even the most unlovable, because well, look at me-God loves even me, so I should pass that on. I heard that I made a choice to be an alcoholic and that it's only because I grew up with bad examples (not true). And Jesus fed the multitudes with a few fish and a loaf of bread because he felt sorry for the people even though he was busy, and so He must love me, too. Even me.

Now, before I receive comments that tell me that my drinking was sinful, I want to be clear. Yes. I drank. I chose to take that first drink all those years ago, at a legal age, just as many other people do and then go on to never struggle with drunkenness or addiction.

But for me, that one drink never stopped. I am an alcoholic. I have a disease, and therefore, my drinking snow-balled all on its own. Please trust me if you can. I consistently found myself unable to control the amount I consumed and completely unable to control my ruminating thoughts about drinking. For so many years, I thought this had to do with me, as a person, that I was more flawed, lazy, lacking self-control. I couldn't understand what was happening. I had heard my entire life that alcoholism is not a disease. So, my conclusion was that I was simply failing, and then failing, and then failing again. It wasn't until I learned MUCH about the physiological aspects of this disease that I finally could get real help that made it possible for me to stop. I absolutely could not stop without starting a rigid program of recovery. That, my friends, is a disease.

So I look at what this man said last night and I roll it over in my hand like a stone and I feel it, I just let myself see it and feel it, and then I have no choice but to forgive it, tossing that sad stone away, over and over.

I guess what I'm asking here is this: When considering your beliefs about alcoholism, please know your unknown. Please know you can't judge something you have not experienced.

I heard this little ditty in treatment: The truth needs no defenders.

The truth, it stands on its own no matter what. It just is. Like alcoholism, it just is. Like redemption, it just is. None of those three things can be changed by our will, but there they are.

No matter what I do, I'm an alcoholic. And no matter what I do, I am redeemed. And no matter what I do, that's the truth.

In the end, no matter what anyone thinks of me, I know that alcoholism found me so I could find true freedom. And because of this disease, I have the gift of knowing more about unconditional love than I could have learned any other way. I'm grateful, and I will not be angry about these uninformed opinions of me, because I cannot afford to have this gift stolen.

"Alcoholism is a physiological disease with spiritual consequences."-Father Martin

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Peace.

For

2010-05-02T17:49:00.003-05:00

Ask yourself more what you are for than what you are against. Then live what you are for.

Yeah, that's all I got.

Except that I really liked this post by Shaun Groves.

Peace out.

Oh and one more thing. The nitty gritty details of my drinking story are being shared tomorrow as an introduction to a series on motherhood and alcoholism. I'm nervous. You can find out where that is tomorrow at the EO.

Peace back out.

The "I" in Church

2010-04-05T09:03:00.005-05:00

I had a sinking feeling the other day. I started to wonder what Miles had been told about Easter at school. He goes to a Christian preschool, and I suddenly realized this meant that, most likely, the Crucifixion story had been...covered. So one day last week, on the couch being silly, I asked him what he knew about Easter.

Nothing.

Nothing? Didn't they talk about it at school?

Yeah, but I don't want to talk about it.

Oh. Why?

They put nails in his hands and feet in wood and I don't know why he had to do that.

(Long pause while I was think think thinking fast.) I rub his little hand and I say,

Honey, it's okay that you don't understand. I don't think you're supposed to understand because you're four and your brain isn't ready to understand. How about if you try not to worry about it for now and if you have questions, we can always talk about it.

I said this all calm and reassuring like, but to be honest, there was a tornado in my head and heart. An angry tornado.

He is FOUR! He's scared and this will take a long time to undo. Anyone who doesn't believe that needs to take some time to consider the development of a child. Before they are old enough to own who they are, they are asked to give up who they are. That's what Jesus did for you, now you need to give your life to Jesus. But how are they to know what they are giving, or how?

Some think this teaching at a very young age gives roots and a foundation and I can't begrudge or judge that...I need to simply consider what I want to do for my boys.

I want to be so careful about what those roots are buried in, and with what that foundation is made of. Fear? Guilt? Shame? Or hope? Trust? Joy?

When thinking through his relationship to church and God in his book, Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller writes, "Perhaps it was because my Sunday School classes did much to help us memorize the ten commandments and little to teach us who God was and how to relate to Him, or perhaps it was because they did and I wasn't listening."

I'm sure it's much of both in my life. As a child, I wasn't very good at listening. Like most kids, I wasn't ready to sit and soak in things that were, for the most part, above my developmental head. And so, the stories and rules for life fell a bit flat, and then they were heard so many times, they became background noise.

This is my fear. When all that pressure is on, at such a young age, it solidifies what is already true of children...I am the center of the universe. We do that in church. In an effort to teach a person, to get them to take responsibility, to see their sin, we focus focus focus on not only the do's and dont's, but almost soley, in nearly every church I've ever entered, on ourselves and our lives. We sit around trying to perfect our own faith.

It's all about me. Am I getting this right? Am I getting this wrong?

Of course we do need some focus on these things, right and wrong. We need to learn. I'm not saying there's no place for it. I'm saying something else I'm not even sure I can articulate. Maybe simply that we focus on it more than anything else and in my mind that's too much.

After I quit drinking I had an email conversation with some Christian friends of mine. They were not at all judgmental, just curious, when they asked, "As a Christian, how did you keep drinking when you knew it was wrong?" Well, that turned our email conversation into quite a long one. Part of that conversation had to do with being brought up in the church. I told them that one thing I've seen now, after quitting, is that there is more unconditional love in a meeting of drunks than in any church I've ever been in. And beyond even that, there is more holiness, more redemption, and more freedom than anywhere I've ever been in this life. It is just so full of the bigger picture of hope.

I read this today, and it helped to solidify my thought process:

People often ask what makes (this program-12 step meetings) work. One of the answers is that (this program) works because it gets people away from themselves as the center of the universe.

A person cannot sit in these meetings and think much of themselves. It's nearly impossible. It isn't about shame, that's not what I'm saying. It's about telling the truth, exactly as it is, and knowing you're safe. When you witness people doing that, there is no room in your head and heart for yourself. Not in those moments, because the whole truth is full of holiness, and in holiness we experience moments of freedom from ourselves. And then it becomes a practice, a meditation almost. I will just sit here and listen, that is all I will do...and we will find true fellowship in honesty and then we will see the face of God and know Him. In mercy. In acceptance. In forgiveness.

What happens next is what keeps us sober. We listen...and then we help not with 'you must do this' and 'you must do that,' but in sharing what has worked for us. Sometimes we help by simply listening, and then mostly by encouraging. In this moment, you are in the right place. Tomorrow you will think of tomorrow. Yesterday is done, and you are here and that is good. That is enough. Judgment isn't allowed and it doesn't come naturally because no one there is pretending to be anything. We are in a position that forces only one issue: we are all the same.

In short, this experience brings me closer to an understanding of who God is and how to relate to Him. And other than that I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I'm thinking out loud. I'm processing.

What my children's faith is rooted in is extremely important to me. They can turn into good kids who follow the rules and talk the talk and even walk the walk, but if their faith is rooted in self and the fear of that self, it is empty. The road to spiritual maturity will be that much longer, and I know exactly what that's like. I still have so far to go, so far, and I cannot deny that I'm starting to recognize why.

Am I blaming the church? No. Am I recognizing that we have to be careful how and what we teach and when? Yes. We do so many things, teach so many things, from programs, ritual and religion. I am desperate to experience something different and even more, I'm desperate for my children to experience something different. And I don't know what to do.

~~~~~~~~~~

Have you thought about this? If you grew up being taught in the church, what do you think needs to change? What are the benefits in your mind? If you don't do the church thing and yet you're a believer, why don't you go? Please think along with me and let's refrain from judgment. I'm not looking for concrete answers, but simply, a conversation.

I am not at all trying to turn people away from church. I realize it is not about what you get, but what you give, but I do think there can be a tone that stunts that. I want to go. I want my family to go. We go. I know that many good things come from going. But to be honest, I've only attended one church that had me feeling like I belong. It was a life-giving and unconditional place. The diversity had a sameness to it. There was a spirit to the place that I can't describe...something that is missing from any other church I've attended. That's just the honest truth, but maybe it's just me.

Skeleton Bones

2010-02-09T21:52:00.001-06:00

Even though I really can't sing, I will be walking around singing this song.

Love.

Soul Sick

2010-01-08T09:40:00.003-06:00

"Why do you hasten to remove anything which hurts your eye, while if something affects your soul you postpone the cure until next year?"
-- Horace

This quote was in my inbox this morning. It cut right to my core. Just this morning while I was getting ready for work I had something in my eye and within seconds I had out my little magnifying mirror and quickly removed that annoying stray fuzz. Later as I was applying my makeup, I was thinking about some choices I had made recently. Not anything horribly bad, but enough to make me stop and think. My attitudes, my words, my lifestyle have been less than stellar... And I know it's not how I want to be. But I so easily justify postponing any changes. Next week I'll be better, next month, next year... Then I will deal with my shortcomings. I will deal with those little vises that make my soul slowly sick. Why don't I immediately pull out my magnifying mirror, aim it at my soul and go to work removing those annoying little things?
Because that would involve change, that would involve making better choices, it might even affect how people view me.
I wish I was more concerned with my soul than I am all the other trivial things I worry about in life. Right now it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but what happens when all those little things start to build? Maybe if I were to deal with the issues at hand, then maybe I wouldn't have to spend so much time picking up all the pieces when things get really messy?
I'm not sure what to do. Actually I do know what to do, but do I want to make changes? Not really... but I should. today. not tomorrow.

Food for thought...

2009-12-29T18:30:00.002-06:00

I just started reading A Year with Dietrich Bonhoeffer, and already I've encountered some passages that resonate deeply. They don't seem to need a lot of preamble or explanation. So, here they are:

God loves human beings. God loves the world. Not an ideal human, but human beings as they are; not an ideal world, but the real world. What we find repulsive in their opposition to God, what we shrink back from with pain and hostility, namely, real human beings, the real world, this is for God the ground of unfathomable love.

and

While we exert ourselves to grow beyond our humanity, to leave the human behind us, God becomes human; and we must recognize that God wills that we be human, real human beings. While we distinguish between pious and godless, good and evil, noble and base, God loves real people without distinction.

It's kind of amazing isn't it? That human is just what God created us to be. And as much as we rail against this human life, this is what God intends for us. God even joined us here, to redeem us...we human beings. We are where God's love is revealed, this world. We have borne witness to Love itself. "...this is for God the ground of unfathomable love."

Myself Less

2009-12-01T19:11:00.003-06:00

I stole this quote from my friend Jessica at One Wild and Precious Life...

“The Christian gospel is that I am so flawed that Jesus had to die for me, yet I am so loved and valued that Jesus was glad to die for me. This leads to deep humility and deep confidence at the same time. It undermines both swaggering and sniveling. I cannot feel superior to anyone, and yet I have nothing to prove to anyone. I do not think more of myself nor less of myself. Instead, I think of myself less.” -Tim Keller, The Reason for God (emphasis mine)

I just love that.

That's all.

Get a Life

2009-11-18T13:39:00.004-06:00

(the following is (another) response to a recent sermon. It may only make sense to me, but I needed to get it out of my head and in writing. I'm working through some things. Feel free to ignore me.)

It's a little stone, it's a little mortar. It's a little seed it's a little bit of water...
in our hearts, in our hearts this kingdom's coming. - Sara Groves

There is still hope.

We may look around, disgusted by the disgusting things people are doing in the disgusting world.

But there is still hope.

We look at it, we see no end to the pain and depravity, the lost and the broken, the ugly and the wrong. We can see no end to it. And then we're tempted to say, no this is not going to get better. I will not be so clueless as to say that the world can get better. I mean, after all, the Bible says that it will get worse and worse in the end times...so I guess I'll just ride this out because I'm one of the chosen who belongs in Heaven. I'll be right here waiting for that because it's not going to get better anyway...it's just hopeless.

Many of us really do believe that at least at some level, and we're wrong.

Sure, the truth is that there isn't an end to it. There's not supposed to be an end to it, not in this life. But if we simply say that it cannot get better, what are we doing here? If we cannot be positive, if we cannot say there's hope, why don't we just throw in the towel now?

I heard the words, if you think that way (believing that the world can change and get better) you need to get a life.

OK. I will get a life. A life of hope in the getting better.

When we turn our noses up in disgust, when we see something we cannot stand that goes against our personal beliefs, we are doing nothing to bring that hope. If we stay in our small circles with people just the same as we are and we talk about how wrong everyone else is, it's true, there is no hope. But you know what? The things we see as disgusting, they are a result of a poverty of the soul. The death and destruction, figuratively or literally, the kind that's brought on by man? That's a poverty of the soul and of the spirit. And it calls for acts of love.

When we step out in love, stand in the face of injustice, and serve the world around us...well, that's kingdom work, hopeful work. It is getting a life.

Heaven is still touching Earth in everyday miracles large and small. People are still reaching out and living in a freedom that is so contagious, it changes things, and it changes lives. Lives that looked so hopeless and are not.

There is hope.

When you speak of the world with such a lack of hope, it makes me want to stop caring about the world. I don't want to stop caring. So please don't tell me to get a life.

"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:..18 & 19

Last Sunday and it's seven numbers

2009-11-17T13:33:00.024-06:00

"Cursed is everyone who does not continue to do everything that is written in the book of law."
Galatians 3:10

I start to get angry. Then I stop. I take a deep breath and grab a pen and write my thoughts. I listen to the sermon. I look up, I look around, and the words just keep coming so I write them down in response to the listening. No one else is looking around. It's like they're scared to be seen while they hear about their complete and total depravity from the pulpit.

I want to stand up and say STOP please stop, where is the redemption, where is the grace, where is the healing...

Because so often, in so many congregations and so many denominations, it is left at this:
1) you are nothing but depraved
2) God hates sin
3) you are hiding your secret sins
4) God can see your sin
5) God hates your sin
6) stop sinning
7) the end

It's dangerous, I think. If we leave it at that, what are we leaving out? And maybe even more importantly, what are we adding in?

I've listened to more sermons than I can count that followed the numbered steps above, and only those numbers. So at some point in my life, I started to believe I was nothing but bad and that God could not possibly want anything to do with me. I don't think that's just me, partially because I have many people in my life who tell my same story.

When we hear something that's left at the end over and over, we fill in the blanks with a whole lot of shame, shame that leaves us stuck in our pits, afraid to look up, to be found out. It leaves us alone.

When I began to face my internal beliefs, things deeply rooted through years of words like those from Sunday, I saw that the complete focus on sin had back-fired. Because if I believe that is all that I am, I live out that which I think I am. Failure, ugly, shameful, unworthy...

dangerous things to live out.

I don't want to live there. I want to live in the freedom that Christ came to bring for this life and the next. I want to love because He loves me like mad. I want to try because He loves me like mad. I want to stand up and say NO, that is not who I am, THIS is who I am, and then I want to live that out.

I don't want to focus on me and fixing me and then focus some more on me and what I'm getting right and what I'm getting wrong.... That leaves no room for living out my faith in the world around me because I'm never thinking about them.

But how do I do that if someone is telling me sin is all that I am?

It seems that many Christian leaders are afraid that we'll forget the seven numbers. Maybe some people do forget, and of course there are some that have never heard the gospel message. But for the most part, I think we already know. Let's face it, most preachers are preaching to a congregation that is mostly Christian. There aren't many non-Christians who find the church appealing.

As one of those Christians sitting in church, longing to be fed some life, I am already fully aware of the seven numbers because I'm the one wading through my own troubled mind and life just like the rest of the world. Of course, I may now and again need a good bonk over the head, reminding me that I've got a long way to go, but for the most part I'm keenly aware of that long way on a daily basis.

What I'm looking for is teaching that reminds me I can do all things through Christ because He loves me the way that He does, and then I want to live the joy that revelation brings.

Because you know what?

If I do that, if I really GET that love...all the other stuff, the shameful horrible stuff we're focusing on, will fall away in it's time.

the end

I wanted so badly for this sermon to end differently. (and to be fair, it's a four part series, so maybe it will end differently, I hope.) But it didn't on Sunday. It ended with the end.

I wanted to walk to the front and grab the microphone. I wanted to add what I think He would say to me...

8) I'll never let you go
9) I'm crazy about you
10) there is no the end to that.

"Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us."
Galatians 3:13

I want to believe that fully, and then love other people with that kind of love...

(I wanted to share a video here because it says what I'm trying to say, but embedding it on a blog is not a possibility. You can still check it out on YouTube: How He Loves by David Crowder. Thank you.)

Red Light, Green Light

2009-10-04T14:53:00.008-05:00

Sunday~ October 4, 2009

The other day I was sitting at a stop light, fingers drumming the steering wheel, leg bouncing. The boys were being watched by a neighbor that I was anxious to relieve, and the light seemed extra long. Well, it actually was quite long because it's that light. The light that seems broken, leaving a person to sit in a row of thirty cars, only ten of which will be the lucky ones to make it through the next small chance at conquering the intersection.

The light finally turned green and I inched forward, small jerking movements, attempts at teleporting myself through the sea of bumpers in front of me, hoping hoping hoping c'mon c'mon c'mon I need to make it...

There were still ten cars ahead of me when the light turned red again. UUUGH!

Just moments after we were beckoned to go, we were stopped again.

Well! Just kidding, I said to myself, sighing and settling in for some more wandering thoughts while staring at red. I shut down, zoned out, gave up. Fine, I'm never going to make it.

I laughed at my grumptified self a little then and started to think about how life is a lot like waiting at a stop light. How I'll be chomping at the bit to do something, to change something, to make something happen. I'll be motivated and ambitious and ready, tap-tap-tapping at the gas, revving my engine. I'll see just what I want on the horizon, my hopes will rise with the green light of a seemingly obvious answer, and then...

Yellow light.

Oh no, I'm not going to make it. Why are there so many people ahead of me? Why can't I be up there with them? I need to go now!

Anxiety. Impatience. Discontent.

Red light.

I thought about this again today as I drove the two hours back from my parent's house. We weren't stuck in traffic, we were on the freeway, moving along without a hitch. I thought about how often that's the case in my life, this fast moving pace filled with only small problems like a sticky steering wheel and the annoyance of stopping for gas.

But I still have a tendency to get focused on the times I'm given the signal to wait. I shut down, zone out, give up. So quickly.

He's not sleeping through the night (whine stomp) When will I ever have time for me (fingers drum the steering wheel) When in the world will they sleep past 6 in the morning, I'm so tired (leg bouncing let's go let's go let's go) Look! I think I saw God open a door! (concentrating hard to teleport myself through bumpers) I really want to move, WHY can't we sell our house? (more whining and stomping)

In those times, I'm only thinking about me, how I should be the first one to go when the light turns green, how I should never have to wait.

But today as I drove, though I may have learned the lesson a thousand times, it hit me full force...

There are drivers around me who are truly suffering, they are stuck in a line of traffic much longer than thirty cars at a light that never turns green. I have been in their shoes. I know how it feels, and I know what got me through the worst kind of traffic jams. Other drivers, ones who weren't so self-obsessed that they passed on the right and kept going. They were the kind of drivers that looked out for me, those were the people that got me through. Grace people.

Some of the hurting commuters are in my life and I love them, and now I want (and need) to pull up alongside them, get out of my car, and climb in their passenger seats. Or drive. Or sing. Or tell a funny story. Or just sit. Whatever they need, I want to do it. I want to do what has been done for me. Whatever the cost is to my valuable time, I want to be there, doing.

When I forget myself, I'm not irritated by things like traffic lights. I'm much lighter, with less nail biting and leg bouncing. Suddenly, all those distant open doors and hopes off on the horizon are right there with me, in a much better form than I'd imagined.

It's good, getting what you needed instead of what you thought you wanted, because you gave of yourself.

Green light.

(photos courtesy of flickr)

I'm going to have to hug her...

2009-09-13T11:29:00.014-05:00

Amidst the overstuffed boxes of memories sat a stack of notebooks, the kind I started to use as journals or for school and then somehow quit. The first couple of pages were scrawled with words I can't remember writing, and then nothing, page after page of empty.

I set them aside and continued to pour over things I've kept over the years. I knew I was taking a risk, leafing through notes from a first love, scanning cards and letters from family and friends, staring long at pictures of a girl I hardly know, and yet know all too well.

With a pit in my stomach and a lump in my throat I asked myself why walking down memory lane is so painful for me. I realize that traumatizing things did happen in my more youthful years, some brought on by me and some brought on me. But it seems like other people can look back and say Water under the bridge, no big deal, I was young and that's over now. Live and learn. Move on.

Not me. Starting at a young age, I did take a whole lot of detours, creating pot holes of pain all over my memory lane, and I haven't really been able to let it go even though I know it all serves it's purpose in making me...me. And I'm okay with me...now. Mostly.

But it's still as if I made a choice to attach my past to my ankle and drag it around as some sort of punishment. Which ironically, leaves me living in many of the same behaviors that bring me that feeling in the pit of my stomach, the one that seems so big, I'm terrified it won't ever go away, that pit that leaves me depressed and impatient and distant.

Because it's attached to my leg, the past always seems very close, pulling me from the here and now and leaving me back there, somewhere very lonely, since everyone else seems to have left it all behind, moved on...grown up.

Here I am, 34 years old, stomping my foot and begging God to work some kind of miracle in me, one that would change me, making me more peaceful and less moody, more joyful and less melancholy. Like yesterday, after a particularly difficult road trip with the boys in which I totally lost my cool, I actually resorted to begging God to hurry up and zap me, change me with that instant miracle I've been waiting on my whole life. But He didn't.

(What He did choose to do that very moment was to paint a rainbow across the sky. That was nice, and it did bring me some tears of relief, thinking on how He does still keep promises, but I still wanted to be zapped.) (Just saying.)

Then today I talked with a friend who could be me if we were allowed to share the same body. I told her about the notebooks, the ones filled with things I feel like I'm still saying all these years later, and the ones that are mostly empty. I joked about how those notebooks are a great analogy for my life. How I've wasted so many chapters on what seems like nothing and how it makes it feel like I'm never going to just get over it and change already.

To which she said, "I want to shake that old me. I want to slap her."

ME TOO. (not her, me.)

That's when we both got it at the same time.

I want to be able to say that if I could go back in time, I would hug me. I would forgive me. I would somehow love me no matter what I was doing.

I haven't been giving her that grace.

One thing I know for sure is that God loved me despite all of it, and He still loves me now.

Instead of doing the same, I've looked back in disgust, shaking my head and feeling a whole lot of shame, whether I think I've worked through it or not.

Being hard on yourself for things you cannot change is just as much a waste of time as not forgiving others.

Then my friend said, "I think this is more about love than it is about change."
The change will come with love. Love is a change magnet. Like a rainbow to the rain.

We joked then about how we're not quite ready to hug our former selves.

"Maybe tomorrow," she said. "For today, let's just go with a high five."

Yeah, I guess that's a good place to start, better than a slap or a kick anyway.

Perhaps the next time I sit down with the old notebooks, instead of cringing, hating that young me for what she did or what she said or what she didn't do, I will look at her differently, forgive her, and then leave the pages behind. I hope so. I'd like to love her so she can stop effecting my present.

That would be just the miracle I'm looking for, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to hug her first.

(If you would like to read another redemptive story brought on by the notebooks from my past, I wrote more about them here.)

My Part

2009-09-04T13:24:00.007-05:00

Miles called me back to his bedroom.

"I'm scared."

"I'm right in the next room, what are you scared about?"

"Remember that guy with the slurpy tongue? That big guy who ate up people by slurping them in the cave?"

"No, I don't remember that. I don't know what you're talking about, but if you feel scared, why don't you talk to God about it, ask Him to take those thoughts away so you can sleep."

A few minutes later, I'm back to sorting through piles and piles of paperwork, and from the monitor I hear, "GOD, GIVE ME A CHANCE HERE AND MAKE.ME.STOP.THINKING.THAT. UUUGGGHHHH!"

I feel a tinge of recognition, a pain in my heart. I can relate to his frustration and fear.

Moments after that, he's calling me back to his room again. He tells me (with his exasperated-I'm-trying-to-sound-like-a-grown-up-voice) that God is not listening to him. He says God won't take away the scary thoughts.

Then the words just poured from me and I found myself standing there talking to my boy and myself about something very important.

"You have to do your part, Miles."

I went on and attempted to explain that God can give him the strength, but he needs to make a choice to think about something else too. He needs to decide to think a different way, like maybe about Curious George, something good or funny.

Oh, how I too want a magic wand experience with God. World peace - Pazow! An end to world hunger - Whamo! Healing for the sick- Kaboom! Overcoming my own demons - DONE! Patience and peace with a touch of a zen-like state - YOU GOT IT! BOOM! Money tree - IT'S YOURS!

Maybe it works that way sometimes, and I'm sure that's awfully nice. But for the most part, I think it's a two-way street. To be honest, most of the time I wish it were not. I don't want to have to do anything but believe. I want to sit back and watch goodness come from my wanting of it.

Then I remember what would be lacking.

If God always responded with immediate relief, the relationship and refinement that comes with doing my part would disappear. When I listen, when I pick myself up and do what I know I need to do, I finally take a good look at those purposes.

What we're working on here, together, is my heart.

I haven't been doing that lately. I'm standing in doorways and preaching to my child, but then on the other side of the wall I am fists tight and a stomping foot. I am shouting, "GOD, GIVE ME A CHANCE HERE AND MAKE.ME.STOP.THINKING.THAT. UUUGGGHHHH!"

I see the child that I am standing there, and I know I've got work to do. I just don't really feel like doing my part.

What amazes me is that my heart continues to grow and change despite myself, ever so very slowly, even when I don't want to try.

Grace.

Miles somehow accepted my advice without an argument or a sound. He was sitting up, shoulders slumped in the dark and after hearing what he needed to do, he let himself fall back to his pillow. To try again. To rest.

Sometimes that's all we can do.

Inspiration

2009-06-28T09:18:00.002-05:00

I want to be more like Sara Groves when I grow up...

I included the first two snippits below because of the conversation we've had in recent months about the validity of the Bible. I just really like what Sara has to say about that:

And lastly, one of my favorite Sara songs...I love the message of this song, the way it reminds me that if I see pain in this world (which of course I WILL), I want to be moved to action. Showing the love of God is really what it's all about...

The Spaces

2009-06-19T16:32:00.003-05:00

Mindy Smith sings the hauntingly beautiful song below. (She also sings a mean "Jolene" with Dolly Parton. Just sayin') I thought about this song (not Jolene, the one below) during a discussion about the book The Shack recently. Someone mentioned that they loved the part when the character portraying Jesus in the book tells Mack, the main character, that he didn't leave his daughter alone when she was kidnapped. Mack had a lot of hard questions about why God would allow this to happen, thinking that his daughter was simply abandoned by the God that created her. Then Jesus says something about it not working that way, that he's always with us, even in the worst of things. He says, "I was with Missy in that truck."

"Worry not my daughters. Worry not my sons. "

We can only get so far when we ask the hard questions in this life. There's nothing wrong with seeking the answers, but the parts that don't quite make sense to us are the very spaces we are asked to have faith. If we believe the part about God's constant prescence and love, it's like we've set a magnet in one of our spaces, one that pulls our faith to it with it's strength and settles in with peace. So I love this line -

"In Heaven, we will wait for your arrival. In Heaven, you will finally understand."

We are loved.

Even for a duck

2009-05-25T08:51:00.002-05:00

After a long day of fun in the sun, playing ball, flying a kite and grilling out, we turned on to our quiet street, a load of happy sun-kissed people, worn and ready for baths and bed. But in the shade of a tall tree, we noticed two ducks sitting right on the street. We unloaded ourselves and crossed the tar, hoping to get the Mallard and his wife to stand and rush, inadvertently removing themselves from the real danger of a vehicle tire.

The male stood and led the way, drawing his lady to a nearby tree, hopping up and over the curb to reach a spot to hide behind the trunk. Then we saw it, the way she was walking, one leg flinching with the effort. She was injured, slow, tired. She didn't panic as birds do. She seemed unconcerned, no energy left to fight her fear.

So we said things like "Oh look, she's hurt." And we watched her limp slowly over the curb, struggling to lift herself.

My heart was breaking, even for a hurting bird, watching her pain and wishing I could end it. I was biting back tears and trying to answer all of the three year old questions coming my way. Her end was very near, I could see that. My controlling tendencies started to hop around in my head and heart. For a moment, I tried to think of a way to fix the situation. Then I started to think about what our pastor had said that morning, about the inevitable pain of life. He said it like it is, "Your life will never be void of suffering. Never. That's just LIFE." Then he talked about how it's not so much about the suffering itself, it's about whether or not we have the faith to believe in greater purposes. Do we truly believe that God does not just leave us in our pain, does not strike us down with ailments and death with a big stick, but that He takes all of it and works it together for good? That pain is an inevitable result not of God's will, but of a world that fell away from Him? That He will rescue us at times, and not at others, according to the very best bigger picture that only He can see? That kind of trust is terrifying.

It won't stop the pain, it will simply bring hope in place of despair.

Asher watched the duck so closely, without a sound for the longest time. Until suddenly, a guttural cry came from him, a heart-piercing and loud, "OOOOH, ooowie....OOOH." There was so much sadness in his sound, buried in layers of empathy. Our friend who was with us, watched him and let out a soft, "Wow." Yes. That boy knows pain. And so, he loves any creature deeply enough to feel theirs with them. I suppose that's what we're to do with all this suffering. Love, feel for each other, lifting the burden even just a little, in a moment on the street as we observe, feeling helpless.

Miles stepped closer, carefully inching his way toward the ducks like a curious moth to an intriguing flame, firing off questions about what happened, why is her leg like that, and did we run her over when we drove by? "No, honey. No. She was like this before we came along, we didn't do it." He thought about it for a while and then he said, "God doesn't like it that the duck is hurting."

No, I don't think God does like it even one bit. And knowing that He doesn't somehow lifts the fear of the inevitable suffering in our future. If He doesn't like pain, He groans as Asher did, because He too knows pain, and I know that when He cries out, something happens. Peace. Mercy. Grace. Love.

Asher's groans, my tears, and Miles' questions serve their purpose in reaching the ears of a God who I believe cares deeply. Our cries are love. He is love. Love even for a Mallard duck, limping on a quiet street. How much greater is our love for each other, all held together by His love for us? When we enter each other's pain, we're showing a level of trust that we may not have even known was there. And it's good.

So, why did God plant the tree?

2009-05-19T12:26:00.000-05:00

This is cross-posted at The Midnight Cafe.

The question that stuck with me after my most recent meeting with my Bible study group was this: Why did God put the tree in the garden in the first place? I mean, ultimately, the tree represents the ability of people to choose their own destruction. If God did not give people the ability to choose, life would still be perfect in the garden of Eden. Perfect. Instead, the "gift" of free choice means that we live in a world where murder, rape, hunger, disease, and greed exist right alongside compassion, generosity, abundance, health, and joy. Love crashes and shatters against evil every day. Perfection does not exist.

So, why?

The best answer that I know of is that God wanted us to CHOOSE. God wants us to freely choose relationship with God, which means that there has to be another choice. Otherwise we are robots, creatures who worship God because that's what we were created to do, but not because we choose God. And, honestly, I believe that God wants to be chosen. God doesn't desire relationship with beings who have no choice.

God gave us the dignity of being free. God grants us the respect of autonomous beings.

I mentioned (in my Bible study) that it's a little like being parents. We could, potentially, protect our children from risk (and also choice and freedom) for much of their lives, maybe even their whole lives if we did a good enough job of isolating them. But then who would our children be? We've all heard of people who have been so isolated they can hardly function, and they certainly cannot think for themselves. They have no personality, no individual personhood.

Having read a fair amount about different types of parenting, I know that kids who are raised by more strict parents, especially strict conservative Christian parents may be less likely to endure a tumultuous adolescence, but they are also less creative, less adventurous, and less engaging than their peers who have been allowed more freedom...including the freedom to make some stupid choices.

Another wise parent in the Bible study group responded that, of course, she allows her son some choices...but she wouldn't let him set himself on fire and dance naked on the kitchen table. ;) In other words, she limits his choices to protect his life.

It seems that God didn't do that. God put that tree right there in the garden and did not prevent people from eating the fruit that would lead to destruction...to unspeakable pain and evil.

I'm sorry to admit that I became swallowed up in my own thoughts after that and lost the discussion, and by the time I returned the topic had moved on (we were discussing The Shack, and there's plenty there to talk about).

Here's what I was thinking, though. It's true that while my children are young, I protect them from the serious choices, choices that could mean the difference between life and death. I don't let Mane run out into the street or set herself on fire. But, very recently, I've been faced with the fact that I cannot do that with Vespera. I cannot protect her from every choice that has the potential to harm her.

If I remove her choice, her freedom, even in cases where her life could be in danger, I destroy our relationship. I'm willing to beg, plead, and persuade when I think she's making an unwise choice. But if I cross over the line into removing her freedom, I open a chasm between us. We can talk, negotiate, and argue...unless I take away her freedom. Then I've shut down communication, broken the lines, built a wall, or whatever else you want to call it. And we are left with a quiet, empty chasm between us.

And God is a God of relationship, a God who wants to communicate with us, even if it's to argue and persuade. There's simply nothing to say if we don't have any choices. So, God gave us choices to keep our relationship.

I've been trying to post this for 3 days and keep changing it. So, go easy on me. I'd love a discussion if ya'll have anything to say, ask, or argue.

How Great IS our God?

2009-05-06T13:19:00.005-05:00

I saw the below video this morning and wanted to share it here.

You know, I think about myself so much, that I make me (and my problems) really big and important. This video reminded me how very small I am in this big old universe. Not unimportant, just very small. Which reminded me of our discussion here recently on faith and humility and other things.

You may have to stick with it just a few minutes to really get into it, but I'm pretty sure you won't be disappointed by the end. No matter what you believe about God, this will get you thinking. If you aren't able to sit through 5 parts at once, the post will still be here, come back later (with popcorn), this is really good stuff.

If you have older children, I think this would be a really good thing for them to see. It really drives home what miracles we (they) are, and how much God loves us. I think that's so important for kids to fully grasp starting at a young age. (I say "older children" only because it probably won't keep younger children's attention.)

OK, enough rambling Heather...

ENJOY!

Oh OK, just one more thing. I have this tendency to doubt that God is actually really intimately involved with humans. I see all the sick kids, the death, the disease and I want to scream "WHAT are you doing???" But today I was reminded that He's there and He's HUGE. He is the One that picks up the pieces, helps us take one step further...even when He could have left us to do the pain thing all by ourselves. We see it. We see the miracles coming after death, disease, and pain. He didn't have to do that. But He made it so that the greatest good will eventually come from every pain and sorrow. There is an eternal hope.

The End. (of my part anyway) :)

In which I attempt to answer two different questions at once

2009-03-29T12:36:00.005-05:00

If you're new here, we've been carrying on a conversation in which my friend Jess asks questions about our beliefs and we make attempts at answering.
If you would like to start at the beginning of this faith conversation, please click here.

Also, please keep in mind that I don't claim to be right (correct). I don't think anyone can claim that when discussing all aspects of theology. That's why we argue so much, all those different interpretations of things and such. This is just me, sharing my personal thoughts, feelings, and beliefs based on my own experiences, and what bubbles around in my mind and heart.
-----------------------

"The groaning of creation is not a pretty sound."-Angie

When I was a little girl my parents, my sister, and I would take camping trips Up North with friends and family. I don't remember much about these yearly adventures, it's been a really long time. But I do remember a big, black, scary dog that wandered into our camping space and sat at our fire like a mascot, and a horse on a country road that trampled a car.

They say the things that bring out the most emotion are the things you always remember.

I'm guessing at some time those memories will continue to fade, but there's one thing I'll never forget. And that's the day a little girl with blond hair was pulled from the lake to the shore, lifeless. She was gone. Her parents were left without her. What was left was a heaviness that hovered around that wide open space, the murmurs of grown-up speak, and my own confusion.

I didn't look to God, asking those difficult questions that I ask now. I simply wanted to know what her parents were supposed to do without her? Even at a young age I understood that parents need their children to be who they are, who they became when that new little person joined their family.

But it didn't surprise me that such a thing could happen. As a young girl, I think I more easily accepted that life holds both beauty and ugliness, disease and health, danger and safety, good and evil.

I was emotionally affected, but not doubting the goodness of God. I readily accepted that God is the beauty, the health, the safety and the good. I understood more easily that He was a shelter from this life, a loving Father who was very sad when something went terribly wrong.

-----------------------

Is it that I'm just more aware as I grow older? Is it the fact that I'm a part of the internet now, seeing so many sad stories, or is it really getting worse?

I guess it doesn't really matter. What matters is what we make of it. How do we go about loving each other? We have to, it's all that we can do.

There are times when I want to hide. I want to find a place in my own comfort zone and just ignore the groans. And then there are times when I just want to take it all in and see what I can do about it.

No matter what time it is, I want the groaning, the pain and sickness and dying to stop.

I can try to wax theological all I want, but I doubt that even twenty years in seminary would give me all the answers. I could approach it all psychologically, I'm good at that, I have a degree there. But no amount of therapy or understanding of the human brain could take away the pain. All I can do is pray, and even then I will not have all the answers in this life. There are some things that our mere human minds can't possibly ever know.

So many people ask me how I have any faith at all. What does it all mean? Why doesn't God stop this roller coaster ride and let us all off?

Do you want to know the truth?

I don't know.

I can only go so far with my answers before I hit a dead end. That end is usually at the question "Well sure, God works things together for good, He comforts, He loves, He cries...but if He's an all-powerful God why did He let us go our own way in this fallen place in the first place? Why doesn't He just make it all stop?"

I love the line from a Chris Rice song that responds to those questions with, "Maybe it's because He loves us that He's giving us more time here."

No, it's not always a fun place to be, but perhaps He's not snatching us out of it because there are so many that have chosen not to believe Him. He wants to give us all a chance to experience the joy and peace that comes with throwing caution to the wind and getting to know Him. He wants us to know Him, to realize He's more than worth knowing, so that when He takes us home to a perfect place we'll know Who it is we'll be joining.

Maybe we groan because there is something at the core of each one of us that just wants to go home.

I believe that we humans made a choice to separate ourselves from God, making our own road back to Him quite long. The result of our turning from Him in our free will is that He has to respect that. He has to let us go. Why would He want a forced love? So we go. Just as if our kids turned to us and said, "I don't want to follow your rules, you're not the boss of me, I'm leaving."

Oh how we would want them home. But we'd have to let them decide to get to know how much we truly love them, to trust us, and to return.

I think that the fact that there is so much good and beauty in the middle of all of this is the proof of the God we're looking for. I can't believe that He continues to lavish such gifts on us despite our propensity to rebel, to control, to fix things for ourselves. Despite our pride.

I'm humbled by that.

Jess, you asked me once how I can believe in God's plan when it includes children living in pain. "Why did Asher have to hurt for that greater good to be accomplished?" (and I paraphrase.) I've thought more about that recently...

I don't think God planned for Asher to be hurt, to have a brain surgery at age one. I don't think He likes it one bit. BUT, our life story here at the EO household is still in His hands, in His will. As we "free will" our way through and come up against the groans of humanity, He is turning all of it to good, somewhere, somehow, molding it to his will (if you will :).

I don't believe He strikes us down randomly. I think disease is a result of a fallen world, not something God plans. In short (ha!) He takes all the bad, that of our own doing and what's simply happening because this place is a mess, and he brings it back to good. Sometimes not in the timely way we expect, but in a perfect way that we would accept if only we were able to see the very biggest picture. The very end. The grand dream come true. Eternity. Infinity. Whoa.

The messes and the pain are something He redeems. He uses it all to bring beauty, grace, wisdom, and perspective. In our trials we learn what love really means, it grows deeper in us and then it's shared. So many times we're not even aware of what an impact our trials have on us and those who are changed in a positive way like a ripple effect.

He doesn't have to do that. But He does. He could say, "Well, most of you want nothing to do with me so good luck...see ya...I'm turning my face from you." But He doesn't.

And I'm humbled.

In the days I feared for Asher He drew me closer to Him because I so fully knew He was there...It's when your hurting, terrified and desparate that you start to see Him sometimes. I don't think He's playing games though. He's not making us hurt so we'll notice Him. I think it's that our pride finally is set aside in those moments and we can finally see Him.

He was there when the IV went in so easily for Asher's surgery. The nurses were stumped, shocked, and so happy. Not a peep out of the little Ash Man. Miraculous.

He was there when an unbelievable peace washed over me as I watched the clock and waited for the neurosurgeon to come and tell us Asher was OK.

He was there when Asher drifted off to sleep in his hospital bed despite hours of agitation, crying and pain. A peaceful sleep through the night. A miracle, in his condition.

And that's humbling. Because I ignore Him so much of the time. I don't believe He's going to carry me through sometimes. I even doubt His existence, and especially His never-ending grace, and yet He never fails to fit himself into the corners of my humanity...healing, loving, comforting, holding...Doing the very things He would do if we had lost Asher. I'm pretty sure I would have lost my mind if that were the outcome, but I would have somehow survived it.

And that too would be a miracle.

Healing that kind of pain? Miraculous. Humbling. I know for certain that is not something I could do on my own. Sometimes he heals the pain in the child, and when He cannot because of a much bigger picture than we can see, He's healing the parents through a million small miracles that all add up to love.

--------------------------

OK, I'm done.

(Almost.)

In every explanation or attempt at understanding exactly how God works there are gaps. Things that we just don't like. We all want so badly to escape the horrors of this life. We want it all to make perfect sense. We want perfect answers that take away the pain. But we just don't. That's where the trust comes in. To come to a place of knowing that God really is good. All the time. And then believing that even in death, there is hope...in that biggest picture happy ending.

To know God and to be Humble

2009-03-25T13:51:00.000-05:00

Dear Jess,

You obviously ask some really great questions because it requires some serious thinking to get back to you!

I think you hit on the answer to your own question when you said that God's existence is questionable and intangible to you. Of course you cannot feel humble toward something you're not even sure exists. And you cannot have that fall-on-your-knees, totally awed type of response when you haven't experienced God for yourself. How could you? It wouldn't make sense.

On the other hand, you stand in awe of nature, of birth, of the cycle of seasons. And those things wouldn't be here without God. I don't think there's anything that we know as humans that is more amazing than nature - waterfalls and oceans, mountains, and canyons. Yet, I believe that God created those things. What a fantastic imagination God must have, what a deep and complex mind, what amazing power to spin all those things into existence! If I am amazed by nature, I must, in turn, be amazed by the God who created it all. ...if that's what I believe - that God created it all.

And the place where I stand truly in awe and humbled by God, is in that the God who made this whole big earth *knows* me, hears me, sees me, LOVES me. God is everywhere, continually creating and calling all of us into existence, holding this whole apparatus together...and, yet, God also has concern for me as an individual...me, so small in comparison to the rest of the world, yet I am held close to God's heart. What an enormous God...to know and love each of us that way.

In some way I believe your husband is right, it doesn't make sense to *try* to feel a certain way. I believe you when you say that you're already living a humble life, a life of goodness and compassion. And, certainly, these are qualities that are pleasing to God. You know why? Because you were created in the likeness of God, in God's image. These are the qualities of God in you. But I don't think this means you can stop seeking. You obviously have a drive to know the truth, to meet the truth, to encounter this God we're all talking about. The Bible tells us that those who seek will find. I can't tell you what that will look like for you because I think God has a knack for meeting us where we're at, in ways that make sense to us as individuals. That makes it different for everybody.

I guess I don't see your feelings of humility , or lack of those feelings, as the real issue. If you know God, humility will follow.

I'm curious about your response to this and where you want to go from here. You may be interested in something called Apologetics if you're truly interested in exploring the existence of God. Apologetics is the part of theology that addresses the existence of God and the historical Jesus. For me, Apologetics is fascinating and an encouragement to my faith, but I don't know if it would have fed my hunger to really know who God is or not. It's a very academic approach to God, providing proofs for the existence of God. If you're a reasoning/rational explanation kind of person, Apologetics may be for you. If you're more about feelings and emotions, maybe not. I know I need both.

I am inspired by your persistence!
MidnightCafe

Humility

2009-03-12T19:07:00.004-05:00

If you haven't been following along, our conversation with Jess begins here.

Below is my latest email from Jessica. Her thoughts have taken a turn from the topic of our last few posts, which is just fine. We're on to humility now. Does she know how to ask good questions, or what? I'll put my own thoughts into post form soon. For now, here's Jess:

I wanted to kind of go in a different direction. I finally had a sort of epiphany about HOW to ask what I was thinking about. It's been stewing for a long while, and it started from somewhere away from blogland but was reinforced when you pointed me to the conversion blog. It's about the term HUMBLE or having humility, and all its implicated meanings.

I feel that I am humble (or at least trying to be each day) in my everyday existence. I am constantly reinforced to NOT judge when I hear others dishing out how they think person X should have handled a situation or how person Y should have responded to another situation. I feel that I can never sit and tell another how they should behave because I am not them, I have not lived their life, and what they want for themselves may not be what I think they need. I try and remind myself of these things so that I will not judge and can be humbled by the fact that many people find the "RIGHT" ways for themselves, find better solutions, greater paths, and endure more than I could imagine. I am constantly reminded that I have not experienced nearly an IOTA of what others have, and this alone humbles my existence in my eyes.

What I cannot seem to FEEL is the concept of being humble towards God. That's not to say I feel braggerdly or greater than God, just that I can't seem to get to the "fall to my knees at the mere thought of you" humility. I think because the very existence is questionable for me, intangible, and therefore difficult to feel "small" in comparison. I am certainly amazed and in awe of things around me that live and thrive since the beginning of time. I am amazed that we can grow full human beings in our bellies, I am amazed that trees live and die and live and die in cycles, and keep coming back to green up our lives. I am amazed that people have been able to make amazing creations with things found on Earth. I just don't know how to get to HUMBLE with respect to God and religion. I am still so in the "moment" of being here on Earth that I cannot feel "at his mercy" or "weak with sin" as a humble human.

Does any of this make sense? When I asked my husband about this concept, he talked a LOT but then finished with how I need to stop looking to others to "get" God and religion, and stop looking to others to figure out how to live the life I obviously am seeking but already living. He said all I have to do is look in the mirror to find a humble human living like God would want. He said the fact that I come home a day after he and I have had an argument and continue going on about the night, keeping peace in the home, feeding him with the children, etc. shows acts of being humble and doing what is right versus what I might FEEL like doing. Do you think?

Thanks for being patient with me.
Jessica

Infinite Love

2009-03-07T14:37:00.002-06:00

This is a cross-post from The Midnight Cafe. Thanks, Heather, for asking me to post it here.

***************

I found a passage from Mister God, This is Anna that was so profound and so full of sense that I posted it in my sidebar, and I'm posting it again here.

"Mister God is different from us because He can finish things, and we can't. I can't finish loving you because I shall be dead millions of years before I can finish, but Mister God can finish loving you, and so it's not the same kind of love, is it?"

Sometimes I sit and listen to the sounds of my house, I look around at the beautiful faces that surround me, rest my head on Mango's shoulder, close my eyes, breathe the familiar smells of home, and I know I can never, ever finish loving these people. Nothing I can say or do or even think or write is enough. Not even music and pictures can say what I cannot say. Long hours of late night conversation, fresh enchiladas, head massages, notes hiding in Mango's suitcase, Valentine balloons...none of them will ever tell the whole love story.

But God. God can love us all the way, completely, fully and to the end. God is infinite while we are only finite. Human. Small. Fragile. Incomplete.

I have a thought, though. A very small thought because I'm finite.

Maybe, God's love is different because it's infinite, and if we abide in God, God will draw us into infinity, too. And, in that infinitely, we will be whole, strong, complete, and able to finish loving...to love God fully, to love each other fully. We will be there in the middle of God, engulfed by the God who is love. And then we can know what love is.

I respond (sort of) (finally)

2009-02-21T11:54:00.001-06:00

Hello Jess,

It's taken me a while to respond to your latest question because I'm not sure where to start. To simply answer why I think God allows children to hurt, be hurt, get sick or even die doesn't seem the right thing to do. Because the answer sounds way too simple without some major theological foundations being put out there first.

I mentioned the "mean dude" in a previous post. I talked about believing that evil exists and I believe also that because of free will, God has allowed us the freedom we think we want. And then we just go on ahead and totally wreck the place. So things like cancer or hydrocephalus are a result of what you'll hear Christians call "a fallen world."

That's all I'm going to say because I think that maybe we should talk a bit more about this. What do you think about it? Do you think God causes the bad things to teach us lessons? Or do you think maybe that stuff isn't from Him? What other questions does that bring up?

I think if we talk more about this, the answer to your question about children being hurt might become more clear to you. Not that our human minds can EVER make sense of the injustices done to children, I don't believe we're supposed to be comfortable with that, but maybe we can understand a little more that God's role in it is always love.

Take your time and throw more questions out. I'll make Midnight Cafe answer them :)

Some very good questions

2009-02-17T19:51:00.000-06:00

(If you'd like to start at the beginning of this conversation, click HERE)

My latest email from Jess:

One of the points you made has stuck with me through these past couple of weeks and I still cannot wrap my thoughts around it. You spoke of the evil that God has us dealing with here on Earth, but you don't think it's an intentional guinea pig scenario. I would LIKE to believe this, but I always come back to the question that seems so cliche: A child dies. Yes, there might be a lesson of love and understanding for the people who must survive this baby. But what about the suffering the baby had to experience? Now, what makes sense to me is that our bodies are created in the image, but are flawed. Death is inevitable too...but I just can't see how God plays a part in such tragic situations. Please help me understand how you keep glorifying God every time you see your baby boy in pain from his condition. I do NOT know how you do it....but I sense that your faith gives you peace regarding this situation as well, so maybe that's all it takes to believe in times like that???

-------------

Jess sent me this email quite some time ago. I thought I had an answer, but the more I've tried to write it out, the less I feel I can do the answer justice. Anyone want to help out? I will add my thoughts soon. I've just been doing a lot of thinking...

Dear Jess,

2009-01-25T17:50:00.005-06:00

(if you're new here, you can start at the beginning of the conversation with Jess, HERE.)

It's been awhile since I've written any kind of response to your thoughts or mine. So I have to apologize in advance if this is too much at once. I've been thinking a lot about what to say and I've had a hard time knowing what to write because there are some things that we haven't gotten into yet, and without those things it's hard to know where to go next. I want to know what you think about these things. So...HOLD ON, here we go: :)

I've just started this book called "Walking with God" by John Eldredge. It will most likely take me about a year to read it, but I'm going to try. I love this writer. I love the way he thinks and how he expresses himself. The first pages got me thinking about our conversation.

Christian or not, we've all got this longing. It's what brought you to the point of asking, "But HOW do you know God? How do you believe?" And it's what keeps me asking, "Am I finding Him, am I doing this right?"

If He were not there, our Creator and source, I highly doubt we'd be so concerned. Sure, we'd be bombarded with people's opinions of a Higher Power, religious ideals and theological guesses. But both you and I know that those things are not what pull at the deepest parts of us.

He does.

I believe that He made us to be in relationship with Him. One that runs much deeper than Sunday mornings, being good and doing right, and checking off some list of tasks that need to be done in order to be considered religious.

Sometimes I feel like you and I are actually more on the same page than you would ever think. Because even though I am a Christian and I do believe, I'm still struggling to make a connection in a way that means I'm truly in relationship with God. And a lot of that has to do with me. It's not about Him being distant and abstract, it's about me not knowing exactly how to walk with Him the way He made me to walk with Him, and not thinking that I'm good enough.

I came flawed in the first place. And then I made mistakes and believed a lot of lies that have kept me feeling "not good enough" for that walk with God. I know this so fully about myself. It is one of the things that keeps me aware that there really are forces of good and evil.

I believe that the evil in this world also has a source. And that mean dude will do everything he can to keep us from the relationship with God we're longing for. (Yes, I just said "mean dude," because it sounds less crazy religious than satan) It's what every good movie and book is based on. Artists and writers are drawn to writing and expressing stories of good overcoming evil because it exists. And we're drawn to reading and watching these stories because we too know that we're fighting against something dark. We're fighting it because we're inherently good, made in God's image.

Now I'm not saying this so you picture a big red man with horns on his head and a long tail, peeking around the corner, waiting to pounce on you. I don't think we have to look at it like that. I think if we've lived very long we're pretty aware of a whole lot of evil in the world, a lot of hard things that don't come from a loving God.

Sometimes I think it's pretty frustrating that God would have us here dealing with any kind of evil at all. And other times I understand that there is a much greater depth of love and understanding that come through trials. I don't think God looks at us like a bunch of guinea pigs, watching and waiting to see what we'll do with our latest test.

I do believe that we've made a choice. It started with Adam and Eve in the garden, the day they went against what God asked and chose themselves over God. That's what we still have a tendency to do. God allowed all of that because He would much rather have us choose Him, than to be forced into relationship with Him. I think about my kids a lot when I try to work through that. Do I want them to love me because they know me and find me lovable and worthy of their love? Or do I want to control them into loving me? Even though it's risky, I'd have to say I want them to choose me. I want a genuine love. And so does He.

Okay, that's probably about enough for today. I've most likely sounded like a zealot of some sort, but I just wanted to put some of the basics behind my beliefs out there. I may not have done a very good job, but I hope I made some semblance of sense. Take your time and let me know what you think.

Thank you again for putting up with my scattered thoughts and ideas,
Heather

(If you're new here and would like to start at the beginning of this conversation, click HERE.)

More from Jess

2009-01-19T13:41:00.003-06:00

Below is my most recent email from Jess. Once again, I want to thank her for her candid way of expressing herself. Jess, you are NOT offending anyone with your questions. We can all see that your tone is one of careful questioning, not of judgment. Thank you for that.

__________

I have read and re-read the posts in Highway, but Sabrina's most recent post about giving touches on another subject/list of questions I have.

Actually, I feel that she said what I've always thought was "more right" if there was actually a "more right". I remember the money basket going around the pews when I was small, but I didn't understand what it was or what it meant, and I had never known the word tithe.

After I met my husband, he explained the theory on tithing, the 10% rule. But I always wondered if Jesus was himself poor, and taught people for free, how does it make sense for common churches to consider tithing 10% of their earnings as WHAT they're supposed to do to give? I understand giving enough to allow a pastor to live completely in his passion of teaching God's way, but it seems that the act of giving has come to dollars and cents as opposed to aiding common folk through common sense.

Maybe my feelings on this topic are touchy because I haven't ever been and don't forsee a time in the near future where I can afford to give up 10% of ANYthing I make. Paycheck to paycheck prevents that. And I guess I feel a bit angry at the idea of going to church and knowing I'd feel guilty for not being able to contribute much to a tithing bucket. I feel like it would be expected, watched over, and judged by the neighbors sharing my row of seats. I feel a bit angry that if I didn't hand over that ten percent, I'd be judged as not worthy of the praise lavished by "good Christians".

Please don't take this last paragraph as angry-sounding; if we were speaking face to face, you would see that it's not. I just get confused by the "rule of tithing" versus my ideas of giving and versus my guilt for what I can and cannot do and versus my perception of how I am judged by those who believe and do as the tithing rule states.That's a lot of versuses. Sorry if it gets confusing to read. It's all a jumble in my head most times.

I have read just a bit of the conversion diary, but intend to go back and read more. I enjoyed her five step plan post in April 2008, I felt it made "sense"...which I am figuring out is a common theme. I don't think, for the most part, any of you have been speaking "Christianese" as you all put it. :) I appreciate the effort everyone has made to put things into "simple terms" for this confused gal. IT HELPS.

I hope you've had a wonderful weekend and that today has started off a great week for you. I hope to get to a bookstore later today to browse through selections in the Religion section. Wish me luck that the children will behave long enough for me to find what I need/want!

Jessica

On Giving...

2009-01-18T19:12:00.004-06:00

Hello friends,

It's been awhile since I've posted on this blog. Lately it's been more interesting reading what has been written between Heather, Midnight Cafe and Jess. But I was reading a blog by a very dear friend Diana. She has a lovely, thought provoking blog called extra grace required, and by all means go and check it out. Recently she was able to hear Shane Claiborne speak. If you don't know who that is, I would highly recommend you check him and his ministry out. He wrote a book called The Irresistible Revolution : Living as an Ordinary Radical. This book will really make you think about serving, giving and living radically.
Diana said that one thing that stood out to her was something Shane said:

"The best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them away."

That also resonated with me for a number of reasons.
Lately I have been thinking about giving.

Does giving just mean tithing? Or can we give in other ways too?
Tithing is a touchy subject because there are so many different view on tithing.
Generally if you belong to a specific church you tithe to that church. But what if, like me, you do not belong to a church? What if you don't know to who or what you should give to.
And can you tithe in other ways besides giving money?
What if you give money but you can only tithe five percent or what if you can only tithe one percent of your income?

Okay so we do know this:

2 Corinthians 9:7Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. NIV.

First of all, it should be from your heart, and with a joyful willingness.

Luke 21:2-4 NIV
2He [Jesus] also saw a poor widow put in two very small copper coins. 3"I tell you the truth," he said, "this poor widow has put in more than all the others. 4All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on."

Then we see God honors those who give even when they have nothing to give. Ten percent or not. Give what you got.

Micah 6:6 & 8 NIV
6 With what shall I come before the LORD and bow down before the exalted God? Shall I come before him with burnt offerings, with calves a year old?
8 He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

I am a firm believer that the Lord always looks at the heart and motives of people.
I suppose I could give all the money in the world to God, but if i was just doing it to receive praise from others, I really don't think the Lord would be impressed.

I guess what I am trying to get at is this:

Give what you can, with a cheerful heart, and with a willingness to give even when it's tough.

It may not always be with money.

I don't have a lot of money to give but these are things I do have:

hands to make a meal for someone who is hungry
time to visit someone who is lonely
clothes that I rarely wear that someone else may need
a house to open its doors to someone who needs shelter
a car to drive someone who needs to go somewhere important

Yes, I will still give money when I can. But I also have a lot of other ways to give as well.
Give my best away by giving the best of me.

The Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood as to understand;

to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Dear Jess,

2009-01-11T19:28:00.006-06:00

I loved what Midnight Cafe had to say in the last post. I'm hoping that post was a response that helped you with the questions that have come up so far in our discussion. It helped me :)

I've been thinking about the beginning of your last email. You said that you don't know where to start, where to go from here, especially with not having enough TIME. (for extra reading and stuff.) I totally get that. For now, why don't we just continue our discussion here? Myself and others can share our stories and if questions arise, you can email me and I'll include them here.

I know there's no time for extra reading, so I'm going to keep this short by saying READ THIS. It is a post by a blog friend of mine that speaks what I've been unable to speak any time that I'd like to open a discussion about what I believe. I hate to steal Pam's words, but they really are what I think too. So check that out. It will help you understand where I'm coming from and then we can take it from there. I'll tell more stories and you'll have that foundation in your mind. Coolio?

Thanks lady,
Heather

More on the Bible and Knowing God

2009-01-09T14:43:00.001-06:00

Dear Jess,

I’m not good at beating around the bush. So, I’m going to just dive right in & see if I can make some more sense out of the answers you’re asking for…

About the Bible… Ultimately, I don’t think there’s definitive, empirical proof that the Bible is God’s book. There are the things I already mentioned – like the fulfilled prophecies – that seem highly unlikely if the Bible is just a book written by men to scare the common people. Regular men don’t have the ability to see the future. And, then there’s the fact that the Bible is 66 books, written by many different people, over more than a thousand years, in three different languages and it still has a high degree of unity. That also seems unlikely if it wasn’t inspired someone by One singular being. So, for whatever those things are worth, it seems plausible that the Bible was divinely inspired.

I can only totally agree with you that many people have twisted the words of the Bible over time to achieve their own ends, to enforce their own rules, to condemn others. I’m so sorry that it is that way. I have had my own moments of being so frustrated that I don’t even want to call myself “Christian,” and I still prefer to qualify that statement somehow when I talk with people. All I can say is that I don’t think that the condemnation and hypocrisy are what God intended. I think the key word is “twisted.” People have twisted and distorted the Bible to say what they want it to say. That’s sometimes easy to do since we’re reading the Bible in a language different from any of the 3 languages in which it was written.

Heather already mentioned how she enjoys Beth Moore’s studies because Ms. Moore so often goes back to the original language to check out what a word or verse or passage means. I believe this is essential in the study of scripture, and that’s why having a guide with some commentary can really help. If we know the historical context and we understand what some of the words meant in their original language, I think we see how the Bible is really and truly a story of God’s love, of God continually drawing people into relationship with God and with each other. When we don’t understand the historical context or the language it can all be kind of fuzzy.

Having said all that, I get the sense that what you’re really asking is HOW people believe on a personal level? HOW do we know God? You asked before how we can tell if something is God working in our lives or just life happening the way it was going to happen anyway. Heather and I talked a little about this today, and we both came up with the analogy of childbirth. I know, sounds crazy, huh? But, you see, childbirth is a little bit different for everybody. It’s unpredictable. And it’s not something you can usually describe and put into words. I even teach childbirth classes, and I still cannot tell people exactly what to expect. I can’t describe a contraction. But now that I’ve had them, I certainly know what they are. It’s like that. It’s hard to explain how you know that it’s God working in your life, but once you experience it, you know. I can imagine how frustrating that answer is. You probably feel the way I did sitting in my midwife’s office begging her to tell me if there was any way to know if labor was coming soon…because I sure wanted it to come soon, and she just kept saying that there was no way to tell ahead of time, but I’d know when the time came. So frustrating.

Have you ever had the experience of having something raise your awareness about something, and then suddenly you notice it all over the place? For example, we just bought a Saturn Vue. Before October, I had no idea what a Saturn Vue was, and I would not have been able to recognize one. Now, I see them all over the place, and I end up saying things like, “EVERYONE has a Saturn Vue.” Knowing God is something like that. If you’ve never noticed God in your life before, you’re likely to think that God just isn’t there or isn’t involved. When you finally have an experience that you really KNOW is God, you start seeing how all those random things fit together in a not-so-random pattern, and God was there all along.

I am just now seeing how some seemingly random things in my earlier life are coming together to benefit my oldest daughter, Vespera. We adopted her almost 3 years, and I’m seeing how my life experiences and my education, Mango’s experiences and personality, and her needs & life experiences all meet up in this amazing way…in a way that seems “meant to be.” It’s far too perfect to be random. That’s when I have to believe that it’s God.

I have to say this one more thing, but I’m not entirely sure how to say it. I think it’s important to remember that God is not only in the miraculous “meant to be” moments in our lives but also in the mundane day to day moments. And God can be active in the lives of people who don’t even believe in God. God is working in and through whatever humans are willing and able to help carry out the plan of love and redemption for the world. The Bible tells us that God IS love. So, in essence, anything that is love is from God. It’s kind of like the way that I said before that humans are created in the image of God, and, therefore, it is human to love and care and nurture people and relationships. Because God is love, humans love, and, in this way, God is part of every loving thing we do. Hmmm…hope that made sense.

Again, I hope this helps. I know that, in part, it can be just kind of frustrating. Unfortunately, I can’t give you any “pat” answers.

Dear Heather (and friends)

2009-01-07T20:45:00.002-06:00

The latest email from Jess:

I am going to attempt to see where I want to proceed in this conversation...I think that's why I'm hesitating in my response. I'm not sure where to go NEXT. I don't want to use the word overwhelm...I don't feel that emotionally...I guess the best way to describe what I'm feeling is UNDERTIMED. LOL I've found it hard to find time to reflect. I'm anxious to get to a bookstore and look these books up. I am not certain I will have many valid questions without starting some "research".

My first goal was to try and hear real stories about HOW you feel, how you CAME to feel, what it means to believe that Jesus' death saves us....I guess I would like to read through Midnight Cafe's post and see what questions I get from there. After that, I will re-read your most recent post and see what questions I have from there. Here goes:

With regard to the Bible - I guess the cynic in me says this: If the Bible is truly God's word (inspired or direct), then the mistakes that are bound to occur from translation don't affect me, and seem insignificant. BUT...if the Bible is just a combination of stories that old men made up and passed off as a "higher being's" philosophy for life to scare the commonfolk, then it bothers me. I do think that the stories in the Bible provide a good basis for solid, healthy living. I also feel that some people who base their life on religion twist the stories in the Bible to say doing THIS or doing THAT is "evil". I don't want that to sound judgmental, but even re-reading it I fear it will come across that way.

I want to say that the last paragraph that Midnight Cafe wrote about acting in a human way vs. Christian way really hit home and made SENSE to me. Thank you for that.

Heather - these recommendations are wonderful. The blogs AND the books and the studyguides. I am going to look for some this weekend, and take time to go read these blogs this week. I bought my Bible years ago, and have not been able to find a way to crack it open. I knew there were studies available and the "read it in a year" help guides, but I was afraid if I started it alone, I wouldn't have anyone to bounce my questions off to. So thank YOU for this forum, again. I know I've been saying it a lot, but it's easier for me to do while typing rather than in person. I think I'd get too nervous in person! Choke up, forget my words, babble about nothing. Much like right now. I will be back with more questions, but in the meantime....thank you to EVERYONE who has responded and will hopefully continue to do so. In the near future, I might put this information and link on my blog to point others in this direction. I'm just not ready to "face" the bloggy
world with my religious ignorance. LOL

Good night!
Jessica

From Heather:
A HUGE thank you to Jess, once again. I appreciate the candid way you express yourself. That's how I do it too, so of course I like it :)

(The bold emphasis in Jess' email is mine. Not because I found it judgmental, but important. I will respond to Jess in post form very soon.)

Dear Jess,

2009-01-03T11:22:00.007-06:00

I was relieved by these words in Jessica's last email (yesterday or the day before):

"I hope you know how much you are helping me. It was stories like these that I really needed to hear in order to see where people come from....and I don't know if books about "miracles" were going to help. You did, however, suggest some books, so feel free to pass those titles along whenever you get a chance. Happy New Year!"

_______________

Dear Jess,
I'm so glad to hear that our conversations have been more helpful than totally overwhelming :)

(Thank you to those of you who have shared your stories in comments and emails. That's a vulnerable thing to do, but I whole-heartedly believe that when we tell our own personal stories, the message of the beliefs within them become more valid. When we can speak from our hearts rather than talking in vague terms about religion, we learn more than we thought possible from each other.)

You asked if it would be okay to take a few days to ponder things. Absolutely not, hurry up!! (Kidding of course.) Take your time, lady. A lot has been said, so much to chew on. If I were you it would take me two weeks to respond.

You and I have also been talking about books that might help, so below are my recommendations. There are quite a few, but I thought if I gave you a bunch to check out, you could decide what interests you the most:

Philip Yancey:
"What So Amazing About Grace?"
"Soul Survivor"

Anne Lamott:
"Traveling Mercies"
"Plan B: More Toughts on Faith"

John Eldredge:
"The Sacred Romance"
"Waking the Dead"

Francine Rivers:
"Redeeming Love" (fiction)

You also asked about starting to read the Bible and wondered about recommendations for where to begin. Many people think the New Testament is the best place to start. I think it's difficult to just sit down and read the Bible at any point without some guidance, especially if it's new to you. I would encourage you to get a study to go along with what you choose to read. Some are cheesier than others, or maybe even just boring. So I'm hoping someone could give recommendations for good studies in the comments.

Any Bible study by Beth Moore is excellent in my opinion. I love how she so frequently teaches the definition of the words of the Bible from the original language. Learning the original definitions of the words has been one of the key things in having the Bible "come alive" for me. I am constantly saying, "OH, so that's what He meant." I'm moved and touched by how I can see LOVE in what He was saying when I truly understand it.

I'm pretty sure you could get Beth Moore studies on Amazon or something. There are books and workbooks that carry you through certain parts of the Bible. It might all sound kind of foreign at first (the studies) but I think if you're patient with it, you'll be surprised (in a good way) by God's intentions for you. He has the ability to make the Bible "come alive" for you too.

I also wanted to pass on two blog links for you.
Conversion Diary (a former atheist becomes a believer)
Bring the Rain (a Christian music artist's wife who lost a full-term baby girl shares her faith and her walk through grief)
(the links are going to take you directly to two posts I think might be of some help to you.)

I love it that you're interested in giving Bible reading a try, you brave woman! Be patient with yourself and open to it taking some time to grasp what's so great about it :) I know if you're taking this step of faith, God will speak to you. I just know He will. Cause He rocks.

Love,
Heather

The Bible and other things

2008-12-31T14:12:00.001-06:00

Jess,

It's me. MidnightCafe. (So as not to confuse people who might think it's Heather responding. ;) )

You said:
"My first thought I wanted to share with YOU was about the Bible. With a one sentence description on my feelings and struggles with it: it's scribed by men from men from men...and to me it becomes the "telephone cup" game of sorts where you pass along a message so many times that "I love to eat bananas" becomes "May I shovel the feet of camels". Know what I mean? I do believe THIS about the Bible - the essential meaning and lessons give a great "to do" list for living a good, honest, meaningful and CARING life."

I wanted to respond to this, if I may be so bold as to jump in the middle of this discussion. You have a lot of things going on here in this one sentence. First, it seems that you're wondering about the accuracy of the Bible as an ancient book passed on over time. But, also, you seem to wonder how it is that the Bible is God's book...not just the thoughts of a bunch of people.

I tend to begin by approaching this stuff intellectually. I enjoy theology, and I love to explore the details. Bear with me.

There are a number of books and articles out there attesting to the historical accuracy of the Bible and also the integrity of the book as it has been passed down over time. Late manuscripts of the Bible have been compared to very early manuscripts, and the consistency has been remarkable. The people charged with copying the text were held to a very high standard, and several manuscripts are out there demonstrating that the words have, in fact, not been changed over time. In spite of it seeming like it would turn into a big game of "telephone," the documents themselves demonstrate that this is not what happened.

Aside from that, there are some "proofs," if you will, that the Bible is historically accurate, meaning that the historical events recorded in the Bible are the same as the events recorded by other historians at the same time period. Current archeology also supports the historical accuracy of Biblical events. It's actually pretty amazing.

These things, of course, say little about how it is that the Bible is God's book. People can, on their own, record history and even accurately pass down manuscripts and texts. It's still a book written by people about people, right? Interestingly, I kind of agree with you there. There are a lot of different schools of thought about the way that the Bible is God's book. People have different theories about how it was written, if the words were given directly by God or if the people were simply prompted or inspired by God to write the stories in their own words. I believe the latter, that God prompted people to write the stories. I don't believe God held their hand and literally wrote the text through them.

For me, though, this doesn't make the Bible any less God's book. It's a book about God moving through the lives of people, weaving a story of love and reconciliation through the ages. The stories are true, and they're all about God. So, that makes the Bible God's book. We know that it was really God speaking in and moving in the lives of people because of the number of prophecies recorded in the Bible that were later fulfilled. Do you know that the books of the Old Testament contain something like 2000 prophecies that have all been fulfilled? And we know that the books were not written after the fulfillment because the early manuscripts have been clearly dated before the time when the events happened. It's wild and amazing.

I *do* believe that the Bible is inspired by God. I believe that God inspired the people to write their stories and experiences. It's not something I can prove, as Heather mentioned. It's more that it's very clear that the Bible is true on other levels. So, I choose to believe in this one last area that it's truly inspired by God.

I don't actually think you have to believe the Bible is inspired by God when you're first exploring it, though. I think it's important to know that the stories are historically accurate and that people appear to be telling the truth, that the prophecies were accurately fulfilled and that even many of the miracles are historically and archeologically supported. Then you just go from there. You read the stories to find out what those people knew about God, how they experienced God, who God was to them. You listen to the stories and the way they tell God's story. And that's all. (And you skip the family genealogies and the several repetitions of the laws until some other time....)

I hope I haven't said too much. I, personally, didn't really get "into" the Bible until I started studying it in college & seeing it as a whole unit that tells the story of God bringing redemption/reconciliation/ whatever-you-want-to-call-it to the world, to all of us human beings, individual people who are each made in God's image.

Oh, can I say just one more thing? I don't want to wear you out, but that reminded me. You were saying something about how people ought to live good lives, care about others, etc, etc...because it's human, not because it's Christian. What I just said there in the last paragraph is why I believe that it's both. Human beings, if I believe the Bible, were created in the image of God. We have a teensy bit of the character of God in us, and that is why it's human to love, to care, to have compassion, to do good. God is all of those things and we are made in God's likeness. So, it's human to do those things. It's the humanitarian, if you will, way to be. And it's also Christian, because we have that likeness, that character, that image of Christ, of God, in us. That's what makes us human.

Phew. That was a lot.

Dear Jess

2008-12-31T08:04:00.005-06:00

(If you're new here, the most recent posts are comprised of a conversation between myself (Heather) and a reader/friend, Jess. The conversation has grown to include a few more friends in the comments and I'm loving that. Thank you all for coming along.)

(If you'd like to start at the beginning, you can click HERE for the first post.)

_______________

Dear Jess,
Hopefully you aren't getting too overwhelmed! There's a lot being said here and I hope that as you wade through it all it's helping rather than frustrating you.

I hope it's o.k. that I speak for all of those who have responded when I say that it's tricky to find words. Because this discussion is about faith, it's hard not to speak too much Christianese. I think about that a lot in my own life. When I'm talking to someone who's not a Christian about theological stuff, I often have to laugh at how I must sound. I just wanted to let you know that I'll do my best to not use phrases and terms that don't make much sense.

After the last post, Midnight Cafe (a contributor to this blog) left a comment I want to quote here because I think it's really important.

"I'm wondering if looking for proof that God exists OR if you're more in the position of believing that there *is* a God but you're not sure how people have a relationship with that God. Maybe you're wondering about both.

And, clearly, you're wondering about the Bible...how we know that Bible is really God's word, how we know it hasn't changed over time...that sort of thing."

I've gotten the impression through our email correspondence that you're asking not WHY a person would believe (since you don't think it's ridiculous), but rather HOW. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought I should help clarify.

Now on to my response to your last email (finally).

Your thoughts about the Bible are totally valid. If we're being honest it seems a bit far-fetched to trust a bunch of imperfect humans to get the Word of God written by hand and call it good. For me that's exactly why I'm blown away by it's validity. It seems impossible, but even though it was created the way it was, it speaks to my mind and heart in a way no other book can. It's not that we're dumb, I think it's that we can't wrap our minds around God's bigness (yes, that's a word.) He is perfectly capable of using men to do things that only He can do, we just like to give Him human qualities, restrictions and limitations. So when the ink was in the hands of men, God was really the one doing the writing, knowing exactly what He meant and how people would respond. I think God knew there would be a lot of disbelief and worked his book to speak at the right time to each individual as they seek it and try to understand. It's like there was a different Bible written for each of us. You know, a spiritual phenomenon if you will. We are always evolving, changing, learning...and as we do, the Bible does it with us, different parts of it speaking to us at different times. That's what I mean about the Bible coming to life for me. It's aliiiive. (: That's what makes it different than other books even on the same topics.

For example, as I went through my years of being frustrated with "the church," I kind of shut down my belief system for awhile. I needed a time of quiet, without all the doctrinal stuff floating through my head. I'm a distracted person, always have been. I've never been good at just sitting with the Bible, praying, doing Bible Studies, etc. And I always felt like that was bad, or I was wrong and should feel guilty. I needed somewhere to start, but didn't know what to do, I just get so stuck in feeling like I'm not up to this whole Christianity task.

I'm a sensitive person who is easily sad and down on myself. Since I believe God made me, I think He knows this full well. He knows therefore what my specific needs are. He knew I needed to hear that I am loved fully no matter how lame I can be. So he met me there through His word. When I was reading and learning (here and there) I was being plowed over with verses that spoke to my hurting heart. I didn't have much self-worth and finally the Bible started to act as the tool to heal that.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." James 1:5

For once, I didn't think something along the lines of "oh, that's nice." I was hit right in the heart, I could see that I needed to get that, to really get that He... "gives generously to ALL without finding fault..." I was blown away by this verse and so many like it because they screamed God's love to me. Instead of being a big book of do's and dont's, I started to realize that God just wanted me to read it so He could tell me as often as possible that I'm loved, just exactly as I am.

When I opened myself up to that perspective, I started to see the Bible in a new way. I recently heard a woman speak on this. She talked about how we need to start imagining ourselves IN the stories of the Bible, to be the woman at the well, to be a part of the crowds receiving the fish and the loaves, all the while coming from the idea that God is showing LOVE in every every story, even the ones that don't seem that loving.

That's enough on that for now. I do go on and on and I don't want to do that. I'll be saying much more about the Bible as I tell you my personal story in bits and pieces if that's o.k.

PHEW.

Your second question had to do with "praying the prayer," the feeling of getting saved and what that entails. I'll start by saying that I believe that coming to a belief in Christ is not always so black and white. I believe it can be a process. I think there is more than one way to "accept Christ," if that makes sense. Sometimes that can be kind of a slow dance, moving toward a full acceptance of all that He is. I don't necessarily think a person needs to have a date and time of the moment they suddenly believed. Some people think the Bible is saying you DO have to be that certain, that clear...but you know what? We're all different. God is the one that made us that way. Not every person is going to have a clear cut "come to Jesus" moment. I have dear friends that are good examples of that. They may have never "prayed the prayer" in the way we're taught we're supposed to, but they've been "praying the prayer" in the sense that they pray, they believe, they're growing and changing...they are Christians just like a girl like me who prayed the prayer a gazillion times, trying to fix myself. In the end, maybe it's more about coming to a fullness of peace in knowing that Jesus was who He said He was, and He loves us like crazy. Then we take it from there and ride the faith train, learning more as we go.

I'll shut up now.

As usual, I'm looking forward to more thoughts from you,
Heather

Dear Heather

2008-12-30T19:17:00.003-06:00

I began telling Jess my own personal faith story in the last post. This is her response to that post and to your comments. I'll post my response to her questions tomorrow.
(My email from Jess)
My first reactions were:
1. The ladies who commented were very, very sweet.

2. I got nervous about posting under my blogger name (I could create an anon but don't really want to do that) because I still felt, just from reading their responses, that although some say they came to understand as an adult...they still sound so..."church-savvy" (in a completely unoffensive way) I'm afraid I still won't be able to relate.

My first thought I wanted to share with YOU was about the Bible. With a one sentence description on my feelings and struggles with it: it's scribed by men from men from men...and to me it becomes the "telephone cup" game of sorts where you pass along a message so many times that "I love to eat bananas" becomes "May I shovel the feet of camels". Know what I mean? I do believe THIS about the Bible - the essential meaning and lessons give a great "to do" list for living a good, honest, meaningful and CARING life. Please share your story about how your views on it changed, as you see fit and when you want. I'd love to hear more of that.

My second thoughts were to ask these questions if anyone is willing to elaborate and share:

Heidi - Thank you for being honest and not feeling "put off" by the fact that those who have always known are somewhat of a mystery to me. LOL Hopefully in time I can relate to what you say with regard to this topic.

Sara@butterville - What types of "other" things had you tried and how did you become certain that HE was the one moving things in your life, that it wasn't just "life" happening?

Kazzy - How do you experience a "two way" relationship with God? How are you certain that what's happening is two way?

Growin' with it - Just reading "it will always be a process" and "I don't ever expect to figure out God" helps more than you know. I'm a SOLID THOUGHT person. I have to have definitive answers and solutions. I hate leaving things open-ended, and I fear that this search will still feel that way once I am done or give up.

Brooke - If she is willing to share any of her experiences that solidified the knowledge, I'd love to learn of them. The quote was wonderful, thank you for sharing. I think it'll be something I hang onto for awhile.

Lastly, for you since you mentioned it and it's something my husband repeats as what he KNOWS and feels about religion - accepting Jesus as your Savior. I understand why we should do this, in the most general sense. But other than saying "sure, he might have offered up his son under the presumption we'll be saved because of this act"....how did anyone come to FEEL this acceptance and that you were "saved" because of it? I follow the story, I think I believe that Jesus existed on Earth as a man to share what he believed was the word of his Father...but from here it gets gray for me. I hope this doesn't qualify as blasphemy - that would really suck. LOL

I will stop now...you talk about YOU rambling...sheesh. I am not even going to spell check!
Thank you for giving me a forum/sanctuary of sorts to read and talk about this but still feel like I'm under my blankets. I've already been told I'm going to hell back in college because I didn't know what I believed, and I really don't feel like hearing it anymore, even if I AM doomed to it. LOL

Jess

Dear Jess

2008-12-29T08:12:00.006-06:00

*Disclaimer: I'm no theologian and I don't have all the answers. This is simply a discussion among friends and these are my thoughts and feelings as a part of that conversation. Some will agree and some will disagree and that's cool with me. Please accept my story as my experience, not as right or wrong.

__________

Dear Jess,

I wish I had a nicely wrapped answer for you. With a bow on it. But I guess if it were that easy, you most likely would have received it already. :)

Most likely I will go on and on, but I want to get the conversation (on my end) rolling by keeping it short and sweet so you don't have to respond to a huge lengthy ramble. (Have you noticed I have a tendency to ramble?)

That said, I'll begin the story of how I came to a certainty of belief.

I did grow up in church (of the Baptist variety.) I never disliked it. I had fun with my church friends and found going to church on Wednesday nights and Sundays to be more of a social thing than actually learning about God. Because I was just a kid, and in my insecurity I cared more about what boy liked me than memorizing verses. But I did "accidentally" come to believe what I was being taught (for the most part.) My parents are also Christians, so there was a lot of talk of Jesus in my house too. I'm thankful that this foundation was there because it has really helped me as I've made my faith my own in adulthood. I'm simply admitting here that I don't think my faith was all that genuine until much later in my life. I was missing some very important things that would open my eyes and heart more than I had thought possible.

Early on, I was taught that a person needed to pray a certain prayer and "accept Jesus as their Savior." It seemed to me that was the most important thing because that gets you into Heaven (PHEW). From there, it appeared that having faith was about lifestyle. (Going to church, no drinking, no smoking, no swearing...)

(I must say here that this was MY impression, it's not how every Christian thinks, I'm sure. But that's how Christianity appeared to me as a child.)

So up until I was an adult, I think I "prayed the prayer" about a thousand times, every chance I got. I had this sneaking suspicion that I wasn't good enough so I should probably keep trying to make sure I wasn't going to Hell.

In my early twenties I finally started to see that walking with God was not just about an afterlife. I now believe that we focus a bit too much on that. Sure, it's very important to have an assurance of your final destination, but I think that final destination may take care of itself if we could learn more about freedom in Christ in this life. Coming to know that freedom means a person has come to know HIM for who He really is, and if we do that, I'm of the opinion He'll welcome us to Him in person one day cause we'll be friends and stuff. (I have no idea if that sentence made sense, sorry.)

I'll continue this possibly very boring story after your response. As I tell it, hopefully I'll answer your question of HOW a person comes to believe. I don't think there's a specific answer to that, like I said before. But I have my story to tell of how it's been for me and I hope that will help.

Lastly, I want to throw a little something in about the Bible. Because I'm a Christian a lot of the knowledge I have of God comes from His book. I have to admit that for much of my life I found the Bible to be somewhat...boring, unrelatable, and really confusing. As we carry on our conversation I'll tell you how that changed as well. I'm now finally understanding how God's Spirit works with we humans, opening our eyes to see things in a way that we couldn't if we didn't ask for His eyes. His word came alive for me and I was actually quite shocked (and impressed) by that.

Jess, I want to say that as I was cutting and pasting your emails in last night for the first post, I found myself more and more impressed by YOU. I appreciate that you aren't judgmental, you're so thoughtful, funny and just plain kind. Thank you.

I SO look forward to hearing from you,
Heather

From Here to There

2008-12-28T13:28:00.010-06:00

I wrote a post recently on my other blog about what I believe. Shortly after posting it, I received an email from one of the readers asking if she could ask some questions about my faith. Her name is Jessica, and with her permission, I'd like to share some of her words.

_______________

(from Jessica's first message)

"I wanted to express to you how much I enjoyed reading your full description, but didn't feel
like commenting in the public forum. I hope you don't mind. So much of what you said are things I feel in tune with, and was wondering if I could share some questions with you.
I have been speaking a LOT with my husband (a Christian man who knows what he believes) and trying to figure out things for myself.

I learned a few months ago what it was that I was seeking out, and it was someone who found their path to God and religion and might be able to share with me ways of understanding it. I have found it very difficult (so far impossible) to discuss my reservations about religion with people who have always grown up "believing"in a higher power. They talk about it as if God already exists for everyone and explain from there, but I'm still back
at "how do you GET to him and feel him in your life" stage. I hope that makes sense...as you said, it's very difficult to put into words what exactly one means when talking about faith.
If you would be open to sharing some conversation with me, I would love to "chat"."

_______________

(from Jessica's second message, after I told her I would love to talk more with her about faith)

"I appreciate you being open to discussing, I just felt from the tone of your posts, you would be a comfortable voice to talk to. I've been searching for quite awhile for someone to bounce ideas around with, and realized looking around my peer group wasn't cutting it."

I decided to start off by giving a very condensed synopsis of me and any religious"ness" that's been in my life. It's brief, which makes it the easiest place to start (when you compare it to the thoughts in my head that I've tossed around for years). I'm 31. The first 10 or so years of my life, my dad took our family to Catholic church and Sunday school, almost without fail, every Sunday. One day, we woke up and didn't go anymore. I asked my mom about it, and she said they had a problem with the Father who was currently at that church (he picked on families with small children if their children were loud - go figure, Catholic priest getting mad about KIDS??). My mother was raised Methodist and converted to Catholic to marry my father. For those ten years, I really got nothing out of church. We didn't discuss religion at home, and I don't recall much of anything from Sunday school lessons, and all I really remember about mass was the singing and trying to stay awake.

I basically went through the rest of my young years and all of college ignoring everything about religion. I didn't have anything against it, and I didn't have anything for it. It existed, and I existed, separately.

I started to ponder religion and what was "real"in my early 20s. I was living alone, working,
surviving....I saw a guy a few times, but during a latenight phone call, we started talking about church. I don't really remember what was said, but I believe it started with him saying something about being blessed, God knowing what was right for him...and I was totally
shocked at myself because I started crying. Not to him, and not aloud, but I just cried. He sounded so peaceful talking about God in his life, and I knew nothing of what he felt.It was during this conversation where my thoughts began, and so did my confusion. By this point in my life, I was so set in my beliefs that good things happen because good people made them happen.

Simple as that. I believed that you treat people nicely and as you want to be treated because it's the right thing to do, not because I want to please a higher being. I didn't feel this way to shun God, but I just didn't see how it was "Christian" of me to behave this way, I felt it was a HUMAN way to behave. It's how my families have always acted. And because I felt and still feel this way, it makes it hard to understand that it's a Godly way to live. My husband has told me that he believes I'm one of the most Christian-living people he's known and I don't even realize it. But I tell him it's how people are supposed to be, I shouldn't have to believe in a God to want to live this way. Because I could go on and on with my confusing thoughts, I'll get to my main two points of conflict (right now anyhow!).

1. I think religion is a great thing for those who have it. I think, no matter if the afterlife and God exist or not, having something like religion to believe in allows people to live more peacefully. I envy that feeling that people have, and that no matter how rough life can be, they honestly feel that by praying, their life becomes less stressful and the struggles are given to God to lead them the right way. I think it's wonderful to have it regardless of what really exists.

2. I have yet to meet anyone who came to understand and believe in God as an adult. I have realized I can't talk and ask questions from most people who have believed all their lives because they truly canNOT relate to what it feels like to not believe or to waffle. Asking questions about how they KNOW God is there and how to form a relationship with something so intangible always ends up with answers like "praying will help you find your answers" or "I just knew he existed because I've been so blessed". That doesn't work on someone so uncertain of it's very existence. It doesn't make sense. I don't feel blessed, I feel like I struggle and good things happen if I work hard or have good people around me. I can't pray because that feeling of inner peace or tranquility that comes with releasing your fears doesn't wash over me. I feel silly.

I am so sorry this got so long but I guess with a topic like this, it's very difficult to condense such confusion. I am really looking forward to hearing from you. Your post made me feel like I could get some truly honest and non-judgmental responses and conversation.
Thank you again, good night.
Jessica"

_______________

(and from her most recent message)
"My question or quest is determining how to create or seek out this relationship or how to even come to terms with his existence at all. It's like..."I want to believe that someone will "catch me when I jump" but I can't force myself to step off the ledge". Make sense?"

_______________

Jessica and I agreed that it would be a good thing to have this conversation in a public forum. For me, that's because I would love input from the comments, people adding thoughts to mine when I can't find my words. And also, the contributors of this blog will most likely have lovely things to say in post form if we get their wheels turning. They are wise women who are the type of people who understand, like I do, where Jessica is coming from.

I'm honored that Jessica felt comfortable opening this discussion with me. I'm humbled to think she found me worthy of carrying on this conversation. I consider her a friend, and can't wait to see what's in store for both of us. I respect where Jess is coming from and hope and pray that I can express myself well here. I'll ask God to reveal himself to both of us, since every human has much to learn, whether they are believers or not.

We're all on a journey in this life. Come along and think with us, out loud if you'd like.

Feast or Famine

2008-12-18T14:21:00.001-06:00

Over ten years ago I stood in the city dump in Quito, Ecuador baffled by the stench of garbage and completely disturbed by the fact that people lived there. My heart hurt as the dark side of life sunk in.

We were an idealistic group of Americans, and as we crawled out of our van and stood loaded down with loaves of bread, we let the children run to us, their dirty faces smiling.

Radiant smiles. Pure joy, confidence, contentment, shone from their faces like headlights angled up a bit too much, blinding with bright. I was the deer in those headlights, dumbfounded and confused, unable to move for fear I might miss something, a clue as to why this awful place held so much happiness.

That's when I began to realize I was the one there to learn something. The aching need I thought would be expressed in those faces wasn't there as I had predicted. These people were simply happy. I imagine they were truly thankful for our gifts. But the thankfulness in their faces wasn't temporary, a result of our presence or our bread. It looked like the kind of gratitude that proved consistent, a part of the countenance of the souls behind those smiles. It was the kind of thankfulness that could be trusted to remain, gifts or no gifts, feast or famine.

I looked at the cardboard boxes leaning together posing as walls and roof tops, and thought of how so many called this home. There were old blankets and stuffed animals molded into beds. I couldn't imagine spending even one night there. But for many residents of the city dump, it was all they'd ever known.

I thought we would come to these people and tell them something they didn't know. That there is a God who loves them despite their circumstances. I was going to teach them about faith. But mine is a faith clouded with things. Opinions of denominations, the inevitable task of keeping house, daily doses of commercial "freedoms" clouding my vision and confusing me. I can have the best of intentions to love my neighbor the way these people did, but my intentions often get buried under sales flyers, phone calls, emails, and the rat race of my American life.

That day in the dump I realized that one day, or even three weeks of stepping outside my comfort zone was not what I was called to do. It was a good thing to do, but I knew I couldn't leave it at a loaf of bread, wash my hands of it, and head home.

Because every one of us has a specific calling over our lives to serve the people around us, whether there is a feast or a famine in our own lives.

The fulfillment of moving forward and reaching out brings joy, feast or famine.

That day in the dump, we had shown up with the idea that we knew something about life and faith that these people needed. We went assuming that what we knew of God had not yet been revealed to the people of the city dump in Ecuador. We felt we were there to help some lost souls meet Him.

But God had shown up long before we had.

"God is in the slums, in the cardboard boxes where the poor play house. God is in the silence of a mother who has infected her child with a virus that will end both their lives. God is in the cries heard under the rubble of war. God is in the debris of wasted opportunity and lives, and God is with us if we are with them." -Bono

The light that shone in those eyes I met that day was pure, ignited by the simplest of life's pleasures. And a knowledge of a loving God that meets people in their need. The Great Comforter is a dear friend to those that live in the city dump. And He is just as close to those of us who are completely distracted. We just don't often cry out for Him like those who have set aside their pride and realized their need for His daily presence, feast or famine.

My twenty-year-old American mind could hardly grasp the lesson, but I believe it was there.

Stripped bare of all other desires and freedoms, the human soul can finally rise up to meet contentment as that desperate soul comes face to face with it's Maker. In that contentment there is pure joy, feast or famine.

Tomorrow

2008-11-03T13:11:00.004-06:00

As I look to tomorrow, the big election day, my head is full. There is only one thing I know. God does allow us to make our own choices, but He's always moving us toward a specific goal. His kingdom, where love reigns.

He is there already, defying time and space, completely capable of handling all of our tomorrows.

The following post was written by my friend Kristen and was posted today on her blog.
______________
It's an election year, and passions and opinions about the abortion debate are at an all-time high. People are extremely vocal about their views on protecting the unborn. In fact, it seems to be, for many, the single-most important factor in deciding who to vote for.

I am pro-life, and I think all this conviction is great. But I wonder what it will look like on November 5th? Will we be as "pro-life" once the vote is cast? Where will all this energy go? Once the pro-life political email forwards and youtube videos slow down, how do we take this enthusiasm and translate it into action?

How would this affect how we spend our time?
How can we mobilize our local church to care for birthmoms?
How we will care for pregnant teens in our own community?
How would we assist with the orphan problem worldwide?
How will we respond to the 115,407 children in foster care who are waiting for a family?
How will we aid children suffering from malnutrition in impoverished countries?
How will we demand that our government protect the lives of innocent civilian children living in countries that we attack?
How will we respond to the children in US cities who live on the streets or in shelters or transient motels?
How will we educate teenagers so that they have the information they need to avoid unwanted pregnancies?
How will we keep our local hospitals accountable for their policies on late-term abortions and infant care?

I'm not asking these questions hypothetically. Shocking, I know, but I am not being sarcastic. I am absolutely sincere here, and I hope we can all think about these questions, and how we can respond, so that our pro-life talk becomes more than rhetoric.

I've heard a whole lot of conversation about how people don't want the government choosing how to spend our money, or mandating that our taxes be given to the needy. "The church should respond to the needy, not the government", some say.

So? How are we responding???

It's time to show the world that we are SERIOUS about defending the life of children, both the unborn and the born. We can't leave this up to the government. Our vote, or our president, will not solve the problems facing children and birthmothers in need. We must help. There are too many lives at stake to be passionate with our vote and then forget about this issue until the next election.

So, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? - Kristen Howerton
___________________

(back to Heather now)
I'm thankful that I'm not only educating myself one way or the other this election year, choosing to read things that are slanted only toward my personal views and watching only channels that support those views. It's amazing what a good dose of the perspective of both sides can do for your heart and mind.

I don't want to lean so heavily one direction that it becomes my main passion in this life. There is so much more to this life than our one country, our election, or our views on specific certain things.

It doesn't sit right with me when people are passionate to the extent that the Word of God that they stand on is being taken advantage of. No, that doesn't sit right with me.

Slander does not sit right with me. Judgment does not sit right with me. Anger does not sit right with me. Fear does not sit right with me.

Each one of the above is being used to it's fullest extent by the religious right (and the media) in this campaign, and it's wearing me out. I simply find it to be very sad. I see and hear people around me doing and saying things that are absolutely against the teachings of the Bible they profess to believe is truth.

The woman who questioned each of her trick or treaters on who their parents were voting for and refused candy to those that said they were voting for Obama. Hate.

The letter from Dobson predicting the future of our country if Obama is elected, detailing the corruption and demise in the imaginative days to come. Fear.

The man who started a fight with a fellow church-goer in the parking lot of his church for saying he's voting for Obama, calling him a sinner and a fraud. More hate.

Hate and fear are not alone this election year. I want to point at idolatry as well. Our country is not our God. One political party or another is not our God. One president or another is not our God. Our God is still on the throne. He is Sovereign, all-knowing and completely and totally in love with us. He will not let us down. No elected official can keep Him from working ALL things together for good.

When we are this passionate and wrapped up in our political views, we must ask ourselves where our faith is. Is it in this country, the one some believe is somehow the first in line, powering over all other nations, and somehow more important to God than any other nation? Is it in a political party, or in a belief held that says it is our right to mandate the moral decisions of others?

Or are we believing that God's in control no matter who is elected and no matter what party holds the most spaces in office? Do we believe that He might know more about what our country needs than we do, even if we're disappointed in the outcome?

It is one thing to feel strongly about our own taxes and to feel strongly about our moral convictions, but it's also a good idea to dig a little deeper. When I take a look at the world around me and really sit with it, asking God to guide my heart to see it how He does, what do I come up with? Are my blinders on as I put myself and my family before all others and look down my nose at the ideas and practices of others?

Hearing the self-righteous views of Christians around me this election year has not swayed my personal political views. If anything it has reminded me of how badly Christians in our country need a good dose of perspective.

The (much) bigger picture (the world, God's plan, people outside our bubbles...) is often totally forgotten in our haste to be right and to win.

Practicing Peace

2008-10-13T17:29:00.004-05:00

I'm an anxious person.

If I could have three wishes from a genie in a bottle, one of them would be to POOF, take away my anxiety. The other two wishes would have to do with cottage living on a lake and poverty. Really. I mean that about ending poverty. Even if three wishes from a genie are meant for frivolous things.

But I digress.

I'm the kind of anxious that produces nail-biting and leg hopping. There could be absolutely nothing anxiety producing going on in my life and I'll still walk around with a bit of an edge to me. A bubbling group of butterflies batting away at my stomach.

I'm sick of it.

Every which way I turn these days, I have been hit over the head with these words:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me-put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

Easy peasy, right?

Not for me. I can admit that I need some work in this particular (and many other) area(s). It seems like a simple equation:

Stop yourself when you start to worry + Pray + Think on lovely things = Peace.

So straight-forward.

This may not come easy for me, but I believe that it works.

I am an excellent example of a work in progress. Because it will take some time and faith to re-train this anxious brain. It's easy for me to fall back on worry, to listen to the little red guy on my shoulder, whispering his negative messages, his lies.

But I would like to silence him, until he is bored and moves on. I would like to stop when I notice that I'm about to start chewing my nails and staring off into space, thinking hard about all that isn't good. I would like to stop and say,

"I am good. Maybe even lovely. I have this man in my life who thinks I am good. I have these children. They are pure joy, and that is excellent. I have these parents that I admire. I see someone hurting and I want to help and do what is right. There is a God who loves me, and I know that is true. He is more than praiseworthy."

I want to stop and speak truth. I want to do what these verses say and calm my anxious heart. I want that peace that passes all human understanding. I want to stop biting my nails over lies.

Sometimes I want it to be miraculously simple. Like that genie in a bottle. But then I realize that most of the time, change comes a little slower, by putting a new way of thinking into practice.

I have met my "genie in a bottle," and I'm so thankful that He still speaks, bringing me peace when I didn't think it was possible.

The Line in the Sand

2008-10-06T08:27:00.002-05:00

To clarify the previous post...

We really rockin', ultra-cool Bible Study Ladies were talking about names people had called us over time that affected who we are now. Someone brought into the discussion that a family member of hers had been offended by being called "conservative right." A discussion ensued about whether "conservative right" and "liberal left" are derogatory terms. It seems that it mostly depends on context. In some situations these labels are offensive and in some situations they aren't. (So, for those of you who were hoping for an answer, my apologies.)

The end part of the unheated discussion went something like this:

The Other Lady (TOL): Jesus was conservative right.

Me (MidnightCafe or MC): Well, next week I'll have to wear the t-shirt that reads "Jesus is a Liberal." [this was teasing, but also to provoke some thought]

TOL: I don't think so [that Jesus was a Liberal]. Jesus drew a line in the sand.

MC: I do, too. That doesn't mean I have to vote Republican.

TOL: [something I don't remember]

MC: I have really big feelings about this.

Ok, so here's how I, personally, understood the line in the sand comment. I did not associate it with the story where Jesus drew a line in the sand. I associated it with the idea of having boundaries, morals & values. Dictionary.com defines "draw a line in the sand" as a figure of speech meaning:

"to set a limit; allow to go up to a point but no further."

As in, "I have lines that I will not cross." I'm not totally sure, but I'm thinking that's what TOL was talking about.

James Dunigan at Park Hill Church of Christ said it this way:

When the lines of compromise are drawn we cannot cross it. We cannot swap sides back and forth. We as God’s people must have the courage and strength of character to remain faithful to God’s word no matter who dares us to cross over their lines drawn in the sand and join their side. Whatever line is drawn before you make sure you always step to the side God is on!

But I wanted to talk for a minute about another way that "drew a line in the sand" can be interpreted, and where in scripture the idea comes from. John 8:3-8 says this:

3The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group 4and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" 6They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." 8Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

I can't think of a better way to express the sentiment of this passage than Pastor John Frye in his blog at: Jesus The Radical Pastor:

The time that Jesus drew a line in the sand
The scandalous woman lived; sent away forgiven
While blood stones lay unused on the ground,
Once held by self-confessed sinners.

What is our line in the sand?
Does it heal, forgive, give hope and life?
Is it a life line or a line of dark challenge,
signaling separation, judgment and death?

Go click on the blog & read the rest of what he wrote. It's beautiful.

So, Jesus' writing in the sand wasn't about morals and values at all. It was about forgiveness. It isn't even clear that what he wrote in the sand was a line. Maybe He was writing words:

Love,
Mercy,
Grace,
Forgiveness...

I don't know. Maybe it was just a line. In any case, I'm not crossing it.

Whatever line it is, whether it's about having some morals and values I will not compromise or whether it's about crossing the line into judgment, I'm staying on this side.

And I don't think the conservative right has the corner on the market. Not on morals and not on forgiveness. To be clear, I don't think the liberal left does, either. More often, though, I hear the conservative right claiming that corner and casting judgment stones at the liberal left.

Political Feelings, Big and Small

2008-10-03T11:43:00.004-05:00

You know, the thing about politics is that they are so political.

I know. Can you believe it? We get done with the whole church conversation and I bring up politics! I can't help it! There was a debate last night and a little something else happened at Bible Study that I'm really interested in discussing.

Both Midnight Cafe and I attend the same women's Bible Study every Wednesday morning. Now before you go picturing us sitting around in a circle, our heads bowed reverently with a bunch of gray-haired ladies, I want to say that our little group of women is totally cool. I love them. They're good people. We drink coffee and eat naughty things and then learn a little something from a little known lady named Beth Moore.

Anyway. A couple of Wednesdays ago, a political discussion reared it's ugly head in an otherwise mild conversation. I overheard parts of it and had to ask Midnight Cafe about what was said afterward, because she was sitting with the women who were discussing liberals and conservatives.

Now. Midnight Cafe may have to correct me if I get any of this wrong, but in short, someone was offended by the term "conservative right," or "religious right." They then said that it's a slur and that liberal people are also offended by the term, "liberal left." I was a bit confused by that alone. I guess if I feel strongly one way or the other, left or right, I might even consider it a compliment to be labeled as such. But an unheated argument came after these remarks, questions being asked and a bit of a non-conclusion resulted. Since that's how it goes with politics.

But then the thing that got me the most was one woman's response to being conservative herself. She said, and I paraphrase, that Jesus would be considered a conservative...a conservative falling very hard to the right. Someone asked a question and the response was "well, He drew a line in the sand."

Then Midnight Cafe could be heard saying, "I have really big feelings about this." Which gave me a chuckle.

I don't claim to have a clue what Jesus really thinks about Republicans. Or Democrats for that matter. I do know what He preached about justice, mercy and service to the poor. But I won't pretend that these beliefs answer all the questions.

I'm just curious. What do you think Jesus was saying by "drawing a line in the sand?" And does it make him part of the religious right of today? A lot of people think so. I admit that I do not. But I'm always willing to see another's point of view and try hard to understand. Do you have big feelings about this? Or are you just plain tired of the whole conversation?

Tangible & Intangible

2008-09-21T11:37:00.000-05:00

I think that Christianity is a lot like love. Love is an abstract concept, but it doesn't mean much without the tangible practice. I don't think that means you have to go to church to practice Christianity, but I also think that going to church can really help.

I know it sounds like I'm contradicting myself. The trouble for me is not whether or not going to a church building is good or right.I think it certainly can be. The trouble is more that it seems very difficult these days to find a church that is about those things that are central to the Christian faith - service, community, love... Church is supposed to be the people, the body of Christ. If the people in a church building keep that focus, they are BEing the church. If they don't, I don't think being in a church building makes them the church.

Candles, incense, liturgy, ritual *can* help keep us focused, but they can also become the focus. Eucharist is supposed to point us to Jesus. Eucharist itself is not the focus. Jesus is the focus.

In the same way, lots of churches right now seem to be getting hung up on the finer points of theology, rather than building community and breaking bread together. I don't think it was this way when I was a kid, but I definitely think there's something going on in Western church as a whole right now. We've traveled all over and visited lots of churches. I don't think it's that we're so very picky. We're just having trouble finding something so basic and life-giving as a community of faith struggling to live the Christian life together in love and joy, walking together in a way that draws other to them.

Personality & Ritual

2008-09-19T11:56:00.004-05:00

Wow! 4 posts in 2 days! I was going to reply to Heather but decided it might get a little long, and I want to keep talking about this.

I have to say that I totally think people choose churches according to their personalities/experience/family dynamics. We (people) choose a church that fits us in somewhat the same way we choose a marriage partner...someone with quirks we can put up with and a communication style that matches ours (though it can get pretty muddled up sometimes). People who are less demonstrative, for example, are way less likely to choose a Pentacostal church. People who are introverted and more reserved by nature may be drawn to quiter traditions, Catholic, Lutheran, etc... And I think how we feel about the church building also has something to do with who we are as individuals, how our personalities function, and our current worldview. When I was studying family therapy we used to talk about how we also tend to choose our denomination based on our family's flavor of dysfunction. Isn't that encouraging?

I can't tell you how difficult it is for me to deal with all that I just said above. I know it's so true, and, to a certain extent, I think it's ok. We come to God however we are, and we seek out a niche where we fit. God loves us in whichever niche we choose. But then there's this other part of me that wants to see a more unified body of Christ. AND there's a huge part of me that wants to say, "No! I'm not choosing this because of me. I'm choosing this because it's right." It isn't just that I want to be right, though I don't mind that either. It's that I don't want to be choosing out of my brokenness or dysfunction.

I *think* maybe this is related to what Heather was talking about when she first posted on the subject. She wanted to know if all people sit in church with prickles running up & down their spine or if it was just her own stuff getting in the way. I worry about that all the time, too. I don't want to be choosing not to attend the building just because I've been burned in church or because I'm too worried or judgmental or self-righteous or whiney. I want to choose whatever I choose for the "right" reasons. Which is maybe why this is such a huge topic here all of the sudden. We're talking it out, trying to figure out what's right.

Ok, the other thing I wanted to respond to is the importance of weekly/daily ritual, as Heather also mentioned. This is the one thing that draws me back to a church building, the one thing that keeps me second-guessing where we're at right now. Sure, we have family rituals, but the ritual of going to church can be so valuable. It's so tangible. Maybe this is why I miss going to church most for the sake of my children. Spirituality/Christianity is so abstract. The church building is SO concrete. It's so tangible and visable. I have to confess that, although I grew up in a Pentacostal tradition, I have always been drawn to incense & stained glass, memorized prayers and making the sign of the cross. I think it is innately human to desire the physical and tangible rituals to connect us with the things we cannot see. It helps up to move Christianity from our head and hearts into our bodies, our flesh and bones.

So, at this time we've chosen to live intentionally outside the walls of the church. We're hoping to create more ritual, community and connection outside the building. It isn't easy to be in either position right now, though - either inside our outside the church building. Both places have challenges. I can't help but feel that there's a stirring going on right now of God's people. We are getting restless and ready to change. Nothing sits well or easily. As I've said before over at The Midnight Cafe, you always know that if you're a little (or a lot) uneasy and you feel like you're living on the edge of a cliff, you're probably exactly where God wants you to be. You have to hang in there & follow God's lead. Life on a Cliff

I Don't Know (Miles chose that title and I think it's perfect)

2008-09-18T13:52:00.009-05:00

The term Church definitely means different things to different people. Some people read the Bible to mean that we are called to attend church (the building). Some may interpret Scripture to mean that Church is simply the body of Christ in communion, fellowship, and service to one another wherever that might be.

I don't know that we can find a "right" answer to which Church term is "correct." (But please give me scripture if you know of it, backing one side or the other.) I don't know that there is sound biblical evidence that I'm to attend a church building each Sunday in order to be doing this Christianity thing "right."

After reading the post from Midnight Cafe, I thought of how their family home schools. They do not have their daughter enrolled in classes at a school building with paid teachers and staff. But they do have school on a daily basis. They are doing school. Whether or not it's as organized as it is at a private or public school building, it is still school. It is learning, challenge, growth, stretching, reading, writing, interpreting, investigating, hypothesizing. If done in such a way that meets the individual needs of Mango, it serves it's purpose. Possibly even more fully than she could be served within the actual walls of an actual school.

Now I realize that this isn't necessarily the perfect analogy. But bear with me. What I'm getting at is individuality. We're all made in the image of God, but we're all unique too. Some were made to be teachers, some learners, some seekers, some thinkers, some talkers, some doers, whatever it may be. I'm starting to wonder how much of our individual make-up decides for us how we define Church. Just as some families need a structured school environment to be able to learn effectively and others thrive in a school setting right at home.

Maybe some people need church (the building) every Sunday and some do not.

Maybe some people have a personality that allows them the ability to focus on God and "do" Church on a daily basis, fellowshipping with family and friends, talking about God, teaching one another and serving each other with all the love they can muster. These people may even be blessed with an immediate family that is all fired up for the things of God, just constantly exuding His goodness, all parts of the family working together as "hands and feet." I've heard of this and seen it with my own two eyes. It is rare and beautiful and it makes sense to me that the desire for an organized church setting would be so little in the face of such spiritual abundance (Church) at home or in your immediate surroundings. This can happen with an individual too, who lives focused on the heart of God and seeking Church in all their relationships and experiences. Some people are blessed with the ability to see things spiritually without weekly reminders at a church building.

Then there are others that need Church (the building) in order to stay focused and to feel connected to the body. To find ways to serve. To be reminded on a weekly basis what life is all about. Maybe these people don't have a lot of natural spiritual support and flounder without this weekly connection to the family they have in Christ. Maybe some people need church or they totally lose sight of what they're here for, they can't focus, they struggle. They need a concrete sense of accountability and maybe even a concrete sense of boundaries, a reminder of God's love restricting some of what we do so we don't hurt ourselves or others as much as we would without these concrete reminders. And for these people, a large part of Church (the building) is the community, as Riley commented on. Some people have no other real sense of community, or have a very isolative existence, so they need weekly community gathering in order to fulfill the call to be in service to one another. I think this is the majority of people today because we do live such individual lives. Most people don't live in any kind of community setting and may even have limited friendships.

You get the idea.

The problem for many people in either of the shoes described above, is that finding real community in Church (the building) is definitely hard. It's sad. That has been said by each person giving input here. It's hard to find. And that's hard to swallow. I wonder what God thinks about that? What does He think of the Church today, the Church His people have created with good intentions (and some not-so-good). I wonder what He thinks about how difficult it is to find a "home" among "His people." For those that do need this structured routine, this place to feel safe, this place to call home, it is rarely what we're looking for. Or for those who simply love it, like Sabrina: the music, the teaching, the encouragement, it's even hard to feel comfortable when you're coming at it with this good attitude.

I guess the question is individual. What is God speaking to me personally? What do I need? What does my family need? I will be honest here and say that we need church (the building) in my particular family. We need a concrete focus. We're a household of ADD folk with little patience and easy-to-flounder personalities. That's us. If we don't have concrete set-apart time for learning and spiritual community we tend to watch too much TV and spend too much time on the internet, rather than talk about what really matters, pray together or spend time serving others in our community. Our hearts are in the right place, we just have a tendency to get distracted quite easily. I think the weekly ritual of church helps center us on what we believe and reminds us of who we want to be. Some people have all of that without having to attend a weekly meeting to find it. And I think that's okay too. I'm a bit jealous actually. I really wish I were more focused and self-disciplined if left to my own choices for learning and growing.

I don't think either choice is wrong? Is that way off base? Maybe I'll never know in this life.

Just more fuel to the conversation fire.

And my thoughts too...

2008-09-18T13:27:00.003-05:00

I guess this is a hot button topic... Have we had one of these yet? I guess since I am a contributor I would like to contribute. I share the same sentiments as Heather and Midnight Cafe. I do not have a church. It's not that I don't like going, I am one of those strange people who enjoys it. But I never feel "at home". Should you have a building to feel at home? Sometimes I feel more at home sitting on a friend's couch fellowshipping then i do in a pew? I often feel more connected with people when I'm making a meal for them then when I'm half-heartedly making small talk and shaking their hands on a Sunday morning. I have no answers. There is no right or wrong.
The early church was not just one service one morning a week, it was everyday living.
Loving, giving, worshipping, serving can happen anywhere at anytime and that is more important to me then a service once a week.
Truthfully, I am made to feel guilty by others who say I'm not Christian enough if i don't go to church every week. Should=Shame. I don't want to go to church out of shame or guilt. I want my heart to be in it, but I want my heart to be in it everyday with everyone that is around me.
Love joy peace patience kindness gentleness faithfulness self control.

Coming out of the closet...

2008-09-18T11:57:00.001-05:00

About church.

I was talking with Heather of the EO the other day and realized that I'd never really come out and said where I'm at with regard to church. I guess it isn't something I advertise, though I'm putting it out there now as just a piece of information.

The short story is that we don't go to church. We've been to a lot of churches, regularly attended a few, and finally decided that this is not what the church is called to be. We believe that we ARE the church, that the church was intended to be the body of believers who are called to live and work together, loving each other in a way that calls others irresistably to Christ. Last I checked that isn't what happens in most church buildings...on Sunday or any day. I believe in church as the community of believers, not the church building. So, we don't go to church...as in, we don't attend a service or a building, which calls itself church. I actually don't believe that one can go to or attend church because church is supposed to be who we are not where we go. But anyway, we don't go. Have I said that enough times now?

The truth is that I can listen to great music, sing, and hear a sermon all at home, on TV or over the radio. There isn't time when we go to church to actually BE the church. No actual, real live fellowship happens in most churches on Sunday morning as near as I can tell. Small talk? Sure. Real friendship, sharing, discussing, exhorting? Not so much. Where real fellowship (or church) tends to happen for me is in my small Bible Study group, in coffee shops, in my living room, around the kitchen table... Corporate teaching and worship may have its place, but I don't think it was intended to be the bread and meat of the Christian life.

We are called to BE the church, and the church is not a building.

This is not to say that I don't feel guilty about not GOing. It's pretty tough to grow up going to church and feel like it's ok to NOT go, especially if you still call yourself a Christian. My neighbor called the other day to offer to take Mane to Sunday School. Ouch. She's of the firm belief that we should be GOing to the building, and we aren't doing the right thing for our children if we're not.

We DO teach our children about God. We read the Bible and pray together. We talk about living our lives in service to God. It's part of fabric of our lives and our conversation with each other.

So, that's the beginning of those thoughts. There's a lot more to say and a lot more I'm thinking through, but this seems like a good stopping place for now.

Some "Finding a Church" Wisdom

2008-09-12T21:11:00.008-05:00

After my last post on feeling uncomfortable (again) in church, I received an email response that I couldn't help but want to share here. This email was exactly what I needed for reasons I won't explain in this post. I'll let you make your own conclusions as you read this well-articulated, non-judgmental view on the importance of church, and what issues need our consideration before making a decision of where to attend. I've highlighted a few things that really got me thinking, and I'd love to hear what you think. Give it a read, it's worth your time:

-------------------------------------------------------
We got your email and I read the post. Yes, first, it is sad--regardless of whatever reasons, or whoever's "fault", it is sad when we can't feel at home in a church. So I hear you there. I obviously didn't hear the pastor, but some of what I "do" with that thinking, whether or not he intended it, is:

I distinguish between attending church as a legalism that we "must" do to be Christian, and attending because I do think it is the biblical way. It seems Jesus continued to go to "church" pretty much through out his life, especially early on. He went to Synagogue, listened to the teachers, even did some teaching--I think Jesus was first and foremost a Jew, not creating something over-against Judaism--his life and ministry was grounded in the church and Torah. Eventually he didn't have a "place to lay his head", but that doesn't mean he didn't want to (I think).

It sounds like the pastor's message sounds condemning or exclusionary. To that extent, it is not gospel, and should make you feel uneasy. If I want to listen to the sentiments though (from a distance), I've changed my way of thinking about the church to more of what he's getting at (without the overstatement and condemnation:) For a long time I was primarily wounded and sad about church, that I couldn't find one that I felt really accepted in, and to a lesser extent, that I basically agreed with the theology/worldview. I always had an ideal that our family life and my ministry would be rooted in a church home, but it just wasn't happening--it was very sad, and isolating, and I was very cynical/sarcastic (which exacerbated the "not being accepted" part....I was probably a hard guy to accept). So, what changed for us/me, was partly my own work which included clarifying my actual beliefs and passion (vs. what I thought I should believe), and some soul-searching on how I wasn't as able as I liked to say, to open myself up to real friendships. In other words, I mostly blamed others for not accepting me, but as I got honest, I realized 1) I didn't accept myself that much, 2) Being on the "fringes" was more comfortable for me than I thought, 3) I was not accepting others about as much as I blamed them for not accepting me. It was a humbling, and freeing time.

Those were the first steps. The fact remained though, that even if I did alot of my own "work" to open up and let go of some of my resentment and "righteousness", there are still many churches/denominations I just couldn't be a part of any longer. I realized leaving the AG wouldn't just be for my sake, but for their sake too--It was healing and liberating when I let go of the AG, not in reaction/judgment, but in getting realistic about the differences, and how they were genuine (no one's fault....and insurmountable), I was able to claim the gifts I got from my AG heritage, and maybe most importantly, thank them, and bless them to continue in God's work the way they felt called to (even though it wasn't my call). This is where I "might"? agree with the pastor: I really do believe that the Christian life is not primarily an individual thing, or even family thing, but that is grounded in the church, in fact a particular church--I mean this as a positive not legalism. Placing my "story" in the context of a church, and the heritage of that church and the global church, has broadened my faith to something beyond just me, just my "decision". It is a gift from God, found in the "story" of the church--it is grown and even safeguarded by the church. This is pretty Lutheran thinking, but it's pretty much where I'm at. It has melted my heart to think I'm not alone, it's not up to me to "do" my faith under my own power, but to be held up in grace through the history of the church--in some real sense I am a Christian because I commune with the church (not legalistically:), but the church as a gift, as a "people growing place" where I can be flawed and screwed up and scared and lazy on a personal level, but still be wrapped up in the grace found in the body until I am able to grow, from that grace, to the "next" place I can become.

So, 1) I did/am doing a lot of personal work, 2) That wasn't the end of the story, I had to find a "good enough" fit (never ever perfect) where I could be myself and have "enough" people be genuinely interested in me, and me in them, to be able to talk openly, and feel accepted "enough" to grow and face each other, self, and God. I'm not a flame'n liberal, but frankly, I could no longer be a part of the AG or most baptist, E-Free, type churches. There are significant differences--the easiest theological distinction to raise is whether a church ultimately sees the world as "us" (saved) and "them" (unsaved), or not. Of course there's something to this, but does the church have this distinction as the primary piece of their identity and mission? Arguably all/most AG/Baptist/Efree churches do think this I think--they try to be "nice" about it, and "caring" for the unbeliever (in there assessment), but the fact remains, there is a pervasive and enduring "culture/worldview" of judgment, unavoidably built into the fabric of the church. When this is it at the heart of identity, it naturally gets applied within the walls of the church too!

So, I don't know where you're at, but if you are "somewhat liberal" like you say (I know I am), it might be time to do some soul-searching, grieving, and decision-making??? I'm admittedly biased here--I think theology/worldview/culture of churches are extremely important. Not because of "right" and "wrong" but because it has real, felt, effect on our spiritual health and livelihood--I could care less about alot of theological topics in the church, if the underlying ethos is humility first, followed by openness and genuine interest in each other, and those outside who are different--assuming first that God is working in the lives of all even if they differ from us--maybe we could be just as off base as they are--that's the most important part for me--when that's the primary culture, the rest can be "worked out" with freedom and trust.

There are alot of us struggling evangelicals out there, I feel your pain, and really wish the best for you and your family!!
-------------------------

Where Two or More are Gathered, Communion, and Church

2008-09-07T13:22:00.003-05:00

I think I might be either overly rebellious (entirely possible) or overly sensitive (totally possible) or both (pretty sure that's it).

Because when I sit in many of the churches we've been to, at least once during the sermon, I wince. Or my heart starts to race. Or I start looking around wondering if anyone else is shocked and notice no one seems to have felt a thing.

I'm frustrated. Mostly with myself. I don't expect a church to cater completely to the needs of my family. It's just that so many times, like I've said before, I come away feeling as if I don't fit in. Then I wonder why no one else seems uncomfortable, and figure it could just be my rebellious, cynical nature. Maybe I just don't like hearing certain things. Maybe they don't sit right with me because I don't want to have to change. Maybe the double-edged sword is a bit too much for me to handle in my immaturity sometimes. Maybe I hear things through my somewhat liberal ears, twisting what the person is saying so I can be offended and say, "I told you so, another judgmental closed-minded sermon."

Other times I think there's no way around it. Something is said that seems so far off, I never want to come back again. But I don't want my family to switch churches every six months when we're hopeful we've found a church home, then suddenly surprised by the misrepresentation of the word of God. I don't want to find out that things I hold dear are not being lived out. I don't want to feel as if there is no way the Holy Spirit is a part of the services, classes and other gatherings. I'm frustrated.

Today the pastor spoke on communion and the doctrinal beliefs behind it. All was well and good until he got a bit fired up and said some things that didn't sit well with me. I tried to check myself, asking myself not to judge him. I tried to understand where he's coming from, what he could mean. The sermon took a turn when the pastor started to talk about a poll that was done asking baby boomers if they're attending members of a church community. Many of the boomers answered that they would call themselves Christians, but they did not attend church each Sunday and were not members of any certain church.

I understand that the body of Christ is a vital aspect to faith. We hold each other up, we teach one another, and we even keep each other in line a bit, wanting to see one another living the fullest of lives possible. I agree with that.

But then the pastor started to talk about how "absurd" it would be to call yourself a Christian and not go to church.

He talked about the act of taking communion, and it's mysterious power when we do it together. True. That's cool. But then he said that if you were to take communion at home, with no one else there, "Jesus will not show up." He used the "where two or more are gathered" verse and basically said if there are less than two, God will not be there. He was specifically talking about communion.

I'm still chewing on this, so forgive me for rambling and thinking out loud a bit.

Then he also said that what you do in the world as an individual Christian is basically useless. It has to be done as a part of a church body (he was meaning a body that meets on Sundays, not the body). He said that handing out tracts on a corner by yourself does nothing for the people that read them (I'm not a fan of this method either, but I wouldn't be surprised if God has spoken love to someone at some point even through tracts.) He then moved on to say that loving people on your own, not representing a church, does nothing for the person you are loving. Because in the end it doesn't last. The person would not be witnessing Christ because they could just go and find the next person to love them, someone that may not even be a Christian and they'd find the same thing there. Basically saying that if your love cannot be traced back to a church or ministry, it is separate from Christianity.

I'm pretty sure that I think this is way off. Maybe I'm missing something. Yes, the church can definitely be effective in the world for those reasons, but first of all, how often is it effective in our world today? And what did Christ mean by "the Church?" And I sure hope that God still shows up when I'm not a part of a church community, because I can't seem to find one.

Mostly I'm just sad. Sad that we just can't find a home. A church where our kids can love other kids and learn about God. A place that doesn't sneak up and hit us over the head with stuff we just can't swallow. I was hopeful and now I'm disappointed again. Maybe it's wrong to not go back and give more chances. But to be honest, we had already heard a few things that didn't sit well with us, and we kept coming back because we were hopeful about the lovely congregation and children's programs.

But we don't want our kids to hear these kinds of messages either. I'm so frustrated.

Thoughts from the beach at Lake Superior

2008-08-23T21:56:00.002-05:00

Heather said it was ok to cross-post this from my blog at The Midnight Cafe. So, here it is (edited to add that Mango = my husband, Vespera = my 17yr old daughter, Mane = my 6yr old daughter, and Novio = Vespera's boyfriend):

Last week we camped...5 days, 4 nights...just on the outskirts of Duluth. We brought the whole family + Novio.

On Wednesday evening I sat on the rock beach watching the waves come in, nestled up close to Mango, the wind whirring in our ears. Mane collected "rock babies." Vespera and Novio sat quietly, first taking pictures and then just still and contemplative. My heart was so full I could have laughed or cried. Instead I poured out my thoughts to Mango, poured them into the wind and the waves.

I have always loved the passion and intensity of teenage emotion. I love that electricity. And I think we are faced with a couple of choices as we grow out of our teenage years. We can stop feeling all that intensity because it's heavy and difficult, because it's hard to be stable and cope with life at that level of emotionality all the time. OR we can allow ourselves to feel, to be fully alive. And, in being fully alive, we have so much more experience and depth to the emtional intensity that follows. It makes your heart feel like bursting so very often, but the joy is just as deep and intense. Sometimes I feel as though I might drown in my own heart, covered over by the depth of all that I've learned and experienced since those teenage years.

I was aware, sitting there on the beach, that Vespera and Novio were in the midst of one of those deeply emotional moments. Novio comes from the ocean, and surfing was his hobby. Since moving to Minnesota he has not visited a body of water so vast that you cannot see the other side. The water and waves of Lake Superior were both the wound and the balm at the same time. So poignant. So bittersweet. The waves washed up old memories, even while we were there creating new ones.

I asked if the Lake made him homesick. His answer was heavy but quick and direct, "Yes, but Vespera is here, and I want to be with her." And they curled into each other, one wave inside another.

I honor the depth and breadth and truth of the emotions that my child and her Novio held out there in the wind that evening, while also acknowledging that the strength and depth of my own emotions go deeper...just because I've lived longer and known more, because I know them AND I know me. The wild ride of learning that we have intense and passionate emotional selves that begins in the teen years is really only the beginning. I can keep a cap on it better now if I want to, but when I sit in that quiet created by the rushing wind and crashing waves and allow myself to feel, I know that I draw from a well that is deeper now than it used to be. And I am so glad. I feel as though so many people around me have forgotten how to really just be connected to the waters of passion and intensity, of life and vitality. And the lack of connection limits our ability to love, to know joy, to be loved.

I do wonder how this relates to our ability to know God and be loved by God. God is such a powerful, intense, and vast Being. We connect a little bit to that vastness in those in-between years when we're so full of life and vitality ourselves. So much gets lost in the race to be successful, to care for our families, to do the necessary day-to-day things that we forget. We forget to open our arms wide to the wind and let the waves wash over us. We're filled with inhibitions that come from more experience, from fear. But our possibilities for understanding and knowing that Greatness, that Vastness are so much greater as we gain experience, more life, more depth. It's a conundrum, a paradox. Experience creates our inhibitions, but it also increases our potential for knowing and being loved by God and other human beings.

And this is why I love the wind and the waves. I love the way that the natural world grounds me in my humanness while drawing me into eternity, into a full, wide, expansive relationship with God and with others.

I want to live with the expansiveness of a teenager and with the tiny bits of wisdom I've gained since then. I want to put to use the full range of human life and emotion that God has granted me. I am willing.

Maybe it's in the Moments

2008-08-20T20:23:00.007-05:00

I look out the window at a man who has been struggling with his weight, his love of food taking over and leaving him defeated most days. Today he looks happier, a little lighter. He has been sick and couldn't eat, making weight-loss that much easier. For quite a few days now, his desire for food has paled in comparison to the desire to avoid the pain that comes with eating. So the weight dropped, leaving him to feel like health might be possible. It is only by these days of inevitable consistency and motivated self-discipline, that the outcome that has been so long desired is starting to appear. His weight loss can be chalked up to a mere accident, in the face of no other choice. The ability to be self-disciplined handed on a silver platter. The platter of no other choice.

That's what it takes for me too, I think. Something has to happen that changes everything to get me to follow through as faithfully as is required of me. And even then, my will-power only lasts until I'm comfortable again. Or distracted. Or allowed the opportunity to be even the slightest bit lazy. If given the chance, I fall ever so quickly back into patterns of self-destructive behavior. Or at the very least, the absence of healthy habits.

One way I do this is with my "quiet time," as we good Christians like to call it. For a month at a time I can rise in the morning and spend some time with my God, feeding my spirit with His words and learning more about Him. And then the month passes, a new routine appears and I cave. I give in to the stress of life, the desire to sleep, or a generally distracted nature.

Sometimes I ask and ask, wanting God to give me a quick fix. A fix to a situation, or a part of me I'm tired of battling. But just as a diet plan is slow and arduous, so is faithfulness. We attempt and fail many times, making small strides and falling back. Lately I've been wondering if that's because we think in endings. The final weight goal, total freedom from addiction, a life where we live as we desire everyday without fail, or a perfect walk with God. Maybe it would be better if we stopped thinking that way. It seems too simple to say we need to start thinking in moments rather than in endings, but it may be true.

Maybe "living in the will of God" looks more like taking tiny steps with Him, thoughtfully considering what He would want in a particular moment, rather than believing there are only big choices on the road to His purposes.

It's maybe not about that one big decision, a job, a new baby, or a big move. It's maybe in the way we speak to the annoying co-worker that everyone else ignores. Or in the way we extend a hand-full of change to the homeless man holding his sign on the corner. Or it's in the way we take a deep breath, rather than lashing out at our children our spouses. Or in the moments where we stop and let another's hurt pierce our hearts, compelling us to act on their behalf. Or it's in the small ways we are called to action; to live, to feel, to hurt, to love, and to extend grace freely to the world around us.

In small moments we can stop and choose what God would want for us and His world around us. So maybe it's not about the end goal weight, but about the simple choice to choose fruit over a danish, just one morning at a time. And maybe it's about choosing to take a walk over having another glass of wine. Or it's about choosing to get up and sit at the throne of God, asking for wisdom and grace, just for today. I can do it, just for today. No need to think of whether or not I can do it tomorrow. Just for today.

Maybe as we choose the heart of God in these small moments, we live our way into the big and glorious calling for our lives.

The Easy Path vs. The Difficult Path

2008-07-30T13:36:00.003-05:00

There are a number of things I know about God in my head that still don't seem to get all the way through to my heart all the time. Much of the time, I think I've got a pretty good handle on who God is (dangerous, I know), and it even seems like I can feel it for the most part. But, then these moments come along when I realize that there's something I'm missing. I'm in the middle of one of those moments right now (or maybe it's more than a moment...more like days or weeks).

I can't get into too much detail, but there are some very concerning things regarding my daughter, Vespera's, immigration process looming on the horizon. It'll be another 9 months, most likely, before the whole thing is ironed out, and, in the meantime, I get to practice deep breathing and anti-anxiety techniques. This isn't my point, though. My point is that I always get this niggling feeling with regard to huge things like this that they aren't going to happen the easy way, that I can't even ask for them to happen the easy way because God doesn't give us the easy way. This is such a jumble for me. I believe, honestly, both in my head and my heart, that God isn't about taking the easy road. Really. That should come as no surprise to anyone who knows God. This isn't about smooth sailing and sunny skies. And, yet, I believe that God deeply and truly loves us and doesn't *wish* the more difficult path upon us. Really, in my head I know this. God isn't trying to make life difficult. God doesn't give us the hard road just because it's hard. And God isn't trying to make a point. God gives us the *best* road, which is often difficult anyway.

I'm really not saying this very well, but here's where I get hung up. My mom is praying for all of Vespera's immigration stuff to fly through with no trouble and in the quickest possible manner so that it doesn't require some additional travel, time missed from school, time of separation for our family, etc, etc... I am convinced that it won't be that easy. I mean, I hope that it might be that easy, but I don't even dare to ask God for it because I don't really believe that it's going to happen that way. I believe that it's going to happen the hard way, that there's going to be some bitter-sweetness, some heartache, some headaches and negotiations.

Why do I believe that?

That's my question. Why do I believe that God won't answer the prayer for calm waters, for sunny skies, for smooth sailing? I even cried about it the other night and begged for God's mercy. "Have mercy on my, Oh God, according to your unfailing love." I beg for compassion, for leniency. My head knows that God can move mountains, that, according to scripture, our faith can move mountains. And I think that I even believe this in my heart....that God can do that, I mean. But my heart doesn't believe that God will do that.

I also believe in my heart that we don't know the best way, and that God leads us in the best way, though it isn't always the easiest way. I have trouble letting go of the idea that it isn't always the most difficult way, either, though.

My good friend in Montana says that she's recently been connecting with God's sense of humor and God's desire to give us wonderful gifts and surprises. I found myself wondering what that feels like. I've been connected with that part of God at other times in my life but not recently, and I don't know how it even relates to my life right now.

I feel so schizophrenic about God. Sometimes I get it, and sometimes I really don't.

Small Hopes

2008-07-20T10:18:00.003-05:00

I was sitting, thinking about my life... having one of those "is this all there is to life" moments. When it struck me, I completely have made God small. Or basically, I am lacking the faith to believe that God can still do big things. Lately, my prayers have become small, my hopes have become small, my faith has become really small. I think i used to believe that God could do anything. Then somewhere along the way, I have become one acquainted with disappointment. When the things you have hoped for, for so long never seem to come to fruition, you start wondering if they ever will. So your hopes become small and your faith just shrinks. I really want to believe that God can still move mountains, that He can do big things in my life. But i have been so disappointed in the past, I just have stopped asking for God to do anything.
This morning, I was struck by how futile that thinking is. Of course God can still do BIG things, he is the God who parted the Red Sea, collapsed a wall just by having people walk around it and yell really loudly. He is also a God who can send his son to the earth, to die for our sins and then raise him back to life. These aren't small feats.. these are big feats done by a great big God. Of course i am foolish and forget all the big things he already has done in my life. My memory often fails me, until i am reminded of all the times that God has moved mountains in my life, broken down walls and brought me back to life. I forget so easily. But I have become complacent with just settling for small. If you don't get your hopes up for anything big, then you will never be disappointed if it doesn't happen. But then i guess I'm missing out on the longing and expectation and faith that accompanies hope. I read this quote recently, "The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for." ~Allan K. Chalmers
So my goal this week is to believe, to pray and to hope for something big from God. I don't expect it to happen immediately, but I just want to for one week, put aside my small faith and have BIG faith for a little while.
I really love the verse Proverbs 13:12, Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Most of the time my heart is a bit sick, but i think its time i start holding out for my tree of life.

I Want to be One of Them

2008-07-14T13:56:00.007-05:00

While looking back over the posts I've written here, I was struck with this thought,

"What a bunch of silliness. If only I could keep the big picture in mind."

I had a conversation with a friend today about the inevitable questions that arise when we look at evil in the world. "Where is God and why is He allowing all of this?"

In the dark times of my past, I did have to wonder a bit on the reality of God. Where is He? Why isn't He helping? Why can't I see Him working? Why am I not convinced of His love? The answers were few and far between, but they came. I still struggle with a lot of questions, but I've been realizing something that is a challenge to me. That is, had I seen the love of God exemplified in the lives of people who claimed to know and believe in Him, I may have believed more fully in Him and myself. If people would have taken time for me and loved me unconditionally, I'm sure I would have found that contagious, maybe even tangible proof that God still had room for me, just as his people did. Instead I experienced people basically walking away, confused as to how my life could be such a mess, leaving me to believe that must be how God felt about me too.

I am in no way saying that the mistakes I made can be blamed on other people. I just wonder how different things would have been if I didn't feel that people's disregard for me meant I was not valuable. Because what ended up happening was that I lived out what I thought I was worth. And I thought I wasn't worth anyone's time, patience or understanding.

There is a messed up, crazy world out there that appears to have been abandoned. But I wonder, are we abandoned by God at all? Or have we simply abandoned each other, leaving most people feeling so unloved, that they lose faith in a loving God? As Gary Haugen of International Justice Mission says, "it's not a matter of asking where God is, but rather, where are God's people?"

I feel challenged by these thoughts because I forget to do selfless and loving things for someone else. Even just something small, keeping a hurting person or place in mind and doing something to help them see that someone remembers them, and considers them valuable. I get wrapped up in my own life and I simply don't take time to do what matters most.

"...the one thing, on which we can all agree, among all faiths and ideologies, is that God is with the vulnerable and the poor...God is in the slums, in the cardboard boxes where the poor play house...God is in the debris of wasted opportunities and lives, and God is with us if we are with them." -- Bono

We may see the reality of God more clearly if we would rise to the challenge of fighting for justice in our messed up world, exemplifying God's true nature. To love even the most frustrating of people. What if we did that? If we let someone who feels lost into our lives and hearts, loving them fully? What if we didn't expect someone to change overnight and put aside all their old habits and ways? What if we simply loved them, and taught them about God's unfailing love for them? I wonder if all the baggage they carry would fall away in the face of a radical acceptance they never knew could exist.

If we could do that, I have doubts that we would need to ask the questions we struggle with. We would be seeing God in action through His people, unable to say that He has abandoned us. In reality, more than likely, we would probaby have to admit that we had abandoned each other.

There are a lot of people who live out exactly what I'm talking about. I simply want to be more like them. I simly wish there were more people like them. They are true saints. That word can be used so flippantly, but the word brings to mind the idea of someone fighting to love people, disregarding themselves and focusing on the needs of others.

Sara Groves says it for me, "...and when the saints go marching in. I want to be one of them."
I'll keep working on it.

Plan B

2008-07-12T21:31:00.002-05:00

“And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 New American Standard Version (a most literal, though difficult to read translation)

I’m going to begin by quoting myself from my other blog. On May 9th I wrote:

“I believe in free will, which means that I believe that people have the ability to mess with God's plan. Sort of. Mango & I both believe that he was supposed to be at his current teaching position for at least one more year. We have been saying since Vespera came to us that he would stay until she graduated for sure, and then he'd reassess his career plans. He knew that he wasn't going to be in the same position forever, that there was some possibility that the school would be closing...or shrinking. Well, the school shrunk a year too soon, and he was "excessed," meaning that he still has a job in the district but not at his school, Vespera's school. The smaller size of the school has a lot to do with mismanagement, ridiculous policies...in short, fallen people living imperfect lives. Since I don't believe that God wills the bad things in the world to happen, I have to believe that people choose these things of their own free will. If people choose things of their own free will, they do things outside of God's ideal for them.”

“…having said all that, I think we're in front row seats this year seeing how the plan we really felt we were following has been messed with by people outside the plan. And now we're waiting to see what GOOD God will bring of this. Because we also believe that God works all things together for the good of those who love God and have been called according to God's purposes.”

That’s what I wrote May 9th. Since then, Mango was re-hired at the same school for next year. It’s interesting that we made a whole bunch of other “plans,” thinking he would have to work somewhere else next year, but each one of those plans was thwarted. Then the call came that he’d be right back in the same school, just as we had firmly believed was God’s plan to begin with. God sure knows how to lead when we’re stumbling along.

I have a number of similar stories I could tell. It seems that we (and God with us) are often operating out of “Plan B,” something different from the original, ideal plan. For example, I don’t really believe that adoption is part of God’s perfect or ideal plan because I don’t believe that God predestines children to be abandoned, orphaned, abused, neglected, or left in hopeless situations with little possibility for future success. I really cannot reconcile those things with a God who is self-described as “love.” If God is love, then God doesn’t predestine these things. But I do believe that since the ideal doesn’t always happen, God can orchestrate a second plan, a Plan B. This is why our family adopted Vespera, and she is a beautiful part of our lives. Because we choose to love and follow God, God can use us to bring about something good and beautiful, even if it wasn’t the original plan. In fact, the way that our family has connected, the way that little pieces of Vespera’s life fit so perfectly into our lives, the way that her interests and experiences match ours, and the way our previous lives fit like puzzle pieces into the gaps in her life makes it seem as though this was all part of God’s plan to begin with. I don’t think that, though. I think only that since things didn’t work out for Vespera’s family of origin, God took us, two people who were willing to follow a calling and matched us with her. And the whole thing has benefited us every bit as much as it has her. It’s so perfect, but yet not perfect.

Let me give another personal example. I think it’s totally outside God’s plan or God’s will that I experienced sexual abuse as a child. If I had to believe that God willed these things, I’d have to walk away from God right now. Since my experience was so far from God’s perfect plan, though, I honestly believe that God guided me to Mango…someone who had heard enough stories and witnessed enough of the pain and trouble in the world that he could help me heal and bring “good” from absolute evil. I believe that since we both had experiences outside of God’s “will,” God brought us together to find healing, and to, in fact, create something beautiful – a relationship that mirrors God’s tremendous love for people and a family that has the depth and strength to love people and serve others in ways we’d never have dreamed. God can take the broken pieces of our lives and create something good if we are willing.

Of course, this also means that we, as God’s people, have more responsibility than I want to contemplate. The idea that I, myself, can screw up God’s perfect plan is enough to make me want to lock myself in a closet for the rest of my life. But then I REALLY wouldn’t be following God’s plan. So, I muddle through. My only hope is in God’s grace. When I deviate from the plan, God’s grace is sufficient. God’s love is eternal, unconditional. This is what keeps me out of the closet. God can work with the messes I make if I keep my heart open and willing to follow. I really, honestly believe that what God cares about is our hearts. God is always able to intervene in the lives of people when those people are willing to follow…whenever we’re willing to follow. I think that this is what interests God the most – not the particular things that we called to do, but the fact that we do them. God is interested in our love and our willingness to follow the calling.

In answer to your own questions Heather, all I know is that it’s totally possible for God to use the experiences you’ve had in between that chapel time in college (I never particularly enjoyed chapel, either) and this moment right now to make something so “good” that it doesn't matter if it's Plan A, B, C or D. Yes, I believe people can mess with God’s plan. But I also believe that, if we’re willing, God can guide us into the “good” that is promised for those who love God and are called by God. God can turn ALL THINGS to good. I don’t even believe that God brings us along some arduous and difficult path just because we didn’t follow the first time. I believe that God really, really loves us and wants desperately for us to experience that love. God is ready to use us whenever we’re willing. Maybe your calling is different now. That isn’t what matters. What matters is your willingness to follow.

I have a whole lot more I could say, but this is all I have time to type out at the moment. I talked this all through with Mango, and he’s got some great analogies and ideas I might try to type out in the next few days.

Still On It? Or Might It Be Gone?

2008-07-10T12:54:00.004-05:00

This whole idea of getting off on a detour, outside of the highway you were meant to travel? What is the real, biblical theology behind all of that? Are there clear-cut answers to this question? Or is it another thing that we won't ever know for sure, especially because different theologians, pastors, etc. seem to disagree on it, seeing what the Bible has to say in differing ways? (Sorry about the run-on sentences, but I'm really good at those.)

I used to think that if I was disobedient and didn't follow the directions I was clearly given for my life, that was that. No more perfect plan. No more dreaming. I thought I lost my chance.

For example, in my third year of college, God clearly "spoke" to me about a certain country. I was to do something with my life in regards to this place. A speaker came to chapel (I never really liked chapel) and I expected not to get much out of it, to be honest. But then it happened. I was shaken to my core, brought to complete and utter attention. My body was literally shaking, I couldn't stop the tears, and I knew full well God was speaking to my heart in love. He was saying, "go." But I didn't know what that meant fully and I like to have every detail mapped out so I don't have to worry (totally feasible right?). So I ignored Him.

Ever since that day it's been in the back of my mind that I left God's will for my life on purpose. I have lived with a lot of guilt over that. I have floundered because I figured I wasn't on the right path anyway, so I might as well just...not care. I thought, and sometimes still think, I lost my chance and was now living some other life I was never meant to be living. A life that would bring me far less peace and joy. I started to wallow in depression over all of those thoughts. I started to give up hope that my life meant anything at all.

At one point I asked my sister what she thinks happens if you "miss," in all your glorious free will, God's plan for your life. She held her arm up, running her finger along it as she talked. She said that if her arm was my predestined road and I (her finger) went veering off that path (she slowly drove her finger away from the path of her arm, God's grace and mercy would one day bring me back. It would just be the long way. More painful, possibly. More tiring, surely. But my "finger" would somehow head toward home, and get back on my "arm," my original purpose. At the time, that felt like truth to me. I'm pretty sure I still agree.

Because God is stirring something in me and I've known for awhile now that His love never changed. But I changed. I grew. Maybe I wasn't mature enough to handle whatever was speaking to my heart that day in my college's chapel. No, I know I wasn't mature enough and I know I still struggle with maturity and faithfulness, I've only taken baby steps. But I would not have been this version of Heather. I would have possibly tackled a dream head-on only to be surprised by how ineffectual I was, if I was that twenty-year-old girl with no real life under her belt.

Because I took a detour I experienced some things that stretched my heart beyond it's previous capacity to love. There was endless heart-break, pain, lessons, and trials, many due to my own very serious mistakes. But without those, I wouldn't see people and life the way that I do. Which begs the question, did I really get off on the wrong exit? Was God's plan actually to let me "prodigal it" for awhile? Did He possibly even ordain it?

Or is He now just picking up the pieces despite what my will has done? Because He's forgiving?

Midnight Cafe? Are you there? Wanna discuss this a bit? Is it all just super obvious? Do I just think too much? What are your thoughts? (anyone else? feedback?) I'd love it.

Slow Change

2008-07-08T20:28:00.003-05:00

The "other man" in my life (dad!), and I were talking about how hard it is to make the things we learn a real part of our lives. I mean, you can get all excited about something you really "get," and yet it's really hard to make it stick. Really hard to carry it with you in all your years. Really hard to be disciplined and obedient.

Maybe it's just us? I don't know. But I've experienced it over and over. I have these light bulb moments where God is really revealing something profound and I finally grasp it. And then.... gone. Two days, two weeks, two months, whatever it takes, it disappears. It's so frustrating.

I wish I had a super-human capacity to with-stand the distractions and frustrations of life enough to truly live what I know. I can know so many things with both my head and my heart, and still I'm unable to truly live it.

Live what? Patience, kindness, gentleness, self-control.....

That's just the truth.

I suppose this is why Paul said all that stuff about doing what he didn't want to do and never being able to do what he wanted to do...

It's hard.

The only thing I know for sure that works is being in the Word of God. Really in it. Seeking His face in the midst of the stories and poetry. Really studying what it means to me. Really opening myself up to the Holy Spirit's ability to teach me something that would have appeared boring if left to just me and an old Book.

So why can't I stay in the Word like I'd like to? There are so many things I do instead. So many things I would rather do, if I'm being perfectly honest.

I've fallen for a lot of lies in my life. The most devastating one is that seeking God's truths from His very mouth is for the more earnest of heart. Most of the time I believe that I must not be that earnest. I falsely believe that the believers I compare myself to are closer to God than I could ever dream to be. People who cannot give up their time with God, they live for it and breathe it. I compare myself to them and then the guilt and shame come. The questions rise and I wonder how I could be so far from where I would really like to be.

Then I remind me (or dad reminds me) that it's a process. Sometimes I think the difficult and long road I'm on is serving a purpose. Because if it came really easy for me too, I wouldn't be able to relate at all to those who struggle.

If life is a highway and I got off on the wrong exit (more than once), that means the grace of God makes more sense to me than it would if things were always cut and dry, always peaceful.

I don't want to stay here forever, living with this belief that I may never change. The beauty is that I know I won't stay right here. I will continue in this process because God has not forsaken me. He can't. Because His love is too radical for that kind of disregard.

So I keep thinking and praying and calling out for change. A change that will last. Because without the belief that I can change, I would be truly lost. And I'm not.

What Comes First, the Love or the Rules?

2008-06-28T21:54:00.000-05:00

I've started writing this three times now, gotten about four paragraphs into it, stopped and deleted it. Maybe that's because I don't really know what I'm thinking or trying to say. So bear with me, as once again, I think out loud.

I struggle so much with a busy mind (not much clarity, only a few moments of 'crisp and clear' here and there). I have a hard time figuring out what's really right and wrong. I have been experiencing this struggle pretty much my entire life. I know a lot of it has to do with being brought up in some pretty conservative circles. I think in some ways that can really mess with your head. And your heart.

I also think it simply has to do with the fact that we're all made to know there's right and wrong, to feel that intuition about yourself and others that really does come down to morals. But there are so many angles and gray areas to me. Sometimes I wish I were more legalistic so I would just be more comfortable and at ease with myself and the way I live life. Behind the rules.

Right now I'm not so comfortable. I still struggle with the idea that God's love and grace are dependant on how I'm living, acting, and even feeling. I don't know how to shake that.

In my childhood and teen years, I did live by the rules (for the most part). The things that were considered really bad, I refrained from.

I think I was happiest then, in the sense of not being tormented by my conscience (as unhealthy as my trained conscience can be). In a sense, I felt free because I was following the rules.

But I don't think that's good.

I don't want to feel free because I'm following the rules.
I want to feel free because I feel wholly loved.
I don't want the things I do to determine how close I feel to God.
I want God's love and how that brings me close to Him, to determine the things I do.
I want to live by the rules on accident.

I want to be so aware that God is crazy about me that I accidentally take care of myself and others, believe in myself, and live out of the joy that brings.

I don't want the things I do and the way I live to come first.

I want the love of God to come first, spilling all over every aspect of who I am.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I wish I would have learned fully of God's love before I learned a list of rights and wrongs. When it comes to "The Christian walk," my road and my ideas are colored with do's and dont's, rather than what it's truly all about.

*I just paused in the writing of this and discovered Midnight Cafe had posted something here (thank you!), and she said what I'm trying to say. So I'm going to stop rambling on now and post this tomorrow. I want hers to be the latest post for awhile. Cause it's good stuff...

Thoughts on Love

2008-06-27T16:21:00.002-05:00

I think I was 11 years old when I first doubted my salvation. I had given my life to God at the small age of 4, but, at 11, I began to wonder if I was really, honestly "saved." The crisis began when a teacher at my tiny Christian school called me "self-righteous" in front of the whole class and told me that self-righteousness was just as sinful as more obvious things like lying and cheating. And, while I actually believe that to be true, I'm not sure how helpful it is to point that out to anyone, much less an 11 year old who probably couldn't even define self-righteousness at the time. I wondered if I was lacking in faith since I was "self-righteous" and, therefore, trying to earn my salvation, rather than accepting it as a free gift from God. If I was lacking in faith then maybe I wasn't really a Christian at all.

I don't really believe I was self-righteous at the age of 11, or maybe I was in a kid sort of way. I tried to be good, to do the right thing, to get good grades, and to make my parents proud. I wonder how my life would have been different if that teacher had made a point of telling me in front of the whole class that God was so in love with me, that God smiled on my efforts to be good and to do good but that nothing I could ever do would make God not love me any more. I wonder who I would be if I had learned at a much earlier age to trust in God's goodness, love, and kindness. Kindness. Love is kind. This gentle, loving message is so painfully missing from the lives of most Christian or formerly-Christian people I know. The church, as I see it right now, is so full of judgment, is so terribly good at pointing out sin, and is so downright bad at helping people understand the central characteristic of God: God is love. So bad, in fact, that an 11 year old can have a crisis over whether they're really "saved."

So, I'm starting small and trying to change my own little corner of the world. I try to think of God's love when I'm with my kids. Love is kind. Love doesn't humiliate people in front of the whole class...or the whole family. It is better to communicate God's love to them than to dwell on their sinfulness. I want them to operate out of a sense of their loved-ness rather than guilt or fear. This reminds me of one of my favorite principles of parenting: It is better to teach what "to" do rather than what "not" to do. I want my children to know who they are: children who are desperately loved by the King, and, then out of their assurance of that love and some careful teaching, I hope they grow into compassionate, loving people, who desire to serve God and to serve others.

That Beautiful Thing

2008-06-21T13:33:00.003-05:00

I had a very interesting conversation about Christianity last night. This particular conversation has been a long time coming and today I can't get it out of my head. I really didn't say much. Hardly anything at all. I listened long and hard about the views of...let's call him...Ron. I respected him and refrained from talking. That's really hard for me to do. I love to talk. I love to say what I think. I love to keep rambling until I feel I've been understood. But last night there wasn't room for that. It isn't even that I'm afraid I don't know what to say, although at times there's some of that. It's just that sometimes it's time to shut up.

I'm torn about this conversation because the topic was so heavy and intense and I felt as if I couldn't do justice to what I hold in my heart. I'm also torn because on so many levels Ron and I are on the same page. We hold a lot of the same views on justice, compassion, peace, and the struggle to understand why Christianity has become what it is today.

I've known for a long time where Ron comes from. He says he's not a Christian, but is very focused on spirituality. He believes in the spirit world, in a divine calling and plan for our lives, and each person's individual power. That we are all made in God's image and hold His power and His goodness. (I'm probably not doing his beliefs justice because there isn't enough space and time here, and I'm not him, so I can't speak for him. That's simply a short version of my take on what he believes.)

And Jesus? Well, we talked about Him a lot. Or I should say Ron talked about him a lot and I listened. It may be putting it too simply, but my understanding is that he believes Jesus did live here. He believes He did what the Bible says He did. He talked a long while about Jesus' love, His ability to perform miracles, and His revolution for the poor in a dark time. He called it all a "beautiful thing." But the thing that Ron can't stand is how the end of the story is, in his view used for fostering guilt. He talked about being shown the crucifixion story at a young age and how it scarred him. He feels he was taught that the message behind the cross is that you should be so disturbed by it that you never forget that you owe this Jesus. That you never forget how unworthy you are. That you never forget that you better live in a way that doesn't offend what Jesus did. And if you don't live right, you better feel pretty bad about nailing Jesus to that cross.

This is one of the areas where I can totally respect his frustration. I don't think that any of what he was fed, or that many of us are fed, is the point at all. Jesus did not die so we'd feel bad about it for a lifetime. He did it to take on every ugly perversion and hateful act of mankind in one fell swoop so that we could be free. He did it because He is love. I'm not saying we're free to do whatever we want because Jesus took care of it, but I genuinely don't believe the point of the cross was for us to wallow in our unworthiness and never forget how bad we are. But sometimes that's what we're taught, subtley or not.

I think the only question I asked Ron was what he thinks about Jesus claiming He is God. The one and only God. He said some things about how he doesn't know, because he's not sure exactly what Jesus said and perhaps His words have been twisted...Then he went on to say how frustrating it is to watch the Western world fall for an idea of fear-based religion and all that's been stripped from the original stories and teachings of Jesus. That frustrates me too. But I still believe that Jesus is the one and only God, part of a beautiful trinity that has revealed itself to me in a powerful, tangible and personal way. That's where we're different. But I didn't say that.

I didn't say it because Christians really have done a number on the truths of a loving God. To the extent that when these conversations arise, there is so much frustration and anger, that I don't even get a chance to speak. Pretty much anything I could say would come out sounding like the same old mumbo jumbo Ron's been hearing his entire life. Things he has an educated argument against.

There are times when I think I just need to rest in being me. Just rest in knowing that there are times when I shouldn't speak. Rest in the hope that perhaps my life might speak more than any scripted answer I could ever attempt at giving. I cannot tout my beliefs to someone who is in fight or flight mode. He's in that mode because of a long history of people in his life misrepresenting Christianity.

What is so interesting to me is that if you take the Christianity of today and you strip away judgement, arrogance and disrespect, and maybe even guilt, you come up with what Ron believes. If these things were removed from his idea of Christianity, he may not refuse to call himself a Christian. Because the things he holds dearest to his heart and soul are exactly what Jesus came to teach.

So I'm thinking about this conversation today and feeling sad and a little angry. Angry that the "beautiful thing"Jesus came to do has been all covered up in many ways. And yet I'm feeling hopeful, knowing that all of it works together. Even the disillusionment and failures of God's people and the mistakes they've made to hurt others will all work together in His good and perfect plan. He's that powerful. He's that wise. And He loves us that much.

Never Gone

2008-06-17T09:34:00.004-05:00

When I get a little of my own head space, away from the demands of every day life as a mom, I think. Well, I think all the time, too much really, but I think even more when I get a moment to myself. So the shower is a great place for ideas. Thoughts flow there, just like the water, with no interruptions.

Sometimes I take really short showers because I have to jump out and write something down. It's like God is showering me with His wisdom, and I have to take note so I won't forget what He taught me in a moment by myself.

I set that up like I'm about to share something super powerful and life-changing. I'm not because I don't think that's possible. Light bulb, or "ah-hah" moments usually aren't shared at the same moment in someone else's mind. Nor in the same way. Sometimes I repeat one of these moments to someone and they just stare at me like, "well yeah....duh." Maybe that's because those moments really are too personal, speaking to your heart in a way that will never happen again. It can't be repeated even within yourself. It's like waking and trying hard to hold onto the last moments of an interesting dream. Usually you just can't get it back in the same vivid and profound way.

When I have these moments and feel as if God said something just for me, I feel loved. It's so amazing that He "lifts the veil," helping me gain wisdom and experience the reality of His truths. Those truths are always freeing. His whispers are always meant to bring me further from a rut I've been in. Sometimes He says it through a wise friend. Sometimes at church. But mostly He speaks it straight to the heart because that's where He's always looking.

It has been good for me to rest in that idea. To realize that God is most interested in my heart. He sees all that I am there, and is slowly showing me His love in those quiet moments. He says that underneath it all, I'm His. That's it. Loved. Despite the things I'd like to get caught up in focusing on about myself, He sees the core of my heart, the image of Himself. That can't be removed. Hidden sometimes, maybe yes. Covered a bit by my own history, but never gone.

"I'm gonna start with the scraps of the truth. I was starting to see that the past might color the future, but it didn't determine it. And if I could believe that, it was much easier to let go of what I'd done wrong." - Paige, in Harvesting the Heart by Jodi Picoult

Exterminate Me

2008-06-06T13:35:00.002-05:00

I was just sitting here reading some of my favorite blogs and I felt a little tickle at my neck. I reached up and realized there was something there and immediately went into the panic brush off, in case it might be a spider. Or worse, a tick. You know this brush off, the one where your whole body responds and you frantically swipe at yourself without looking at what monstrous thing it might be. This 'something' fell to my lap, but I still don't know what it was. I couldn't find it. I was looking everywhere to make sure I didn't remove the horrifying insect to another part of my body, only to have it crawl around and try to get back to my neck.

I got to thinking about how I'm like that when there's something in my life that is also quite icky and needs to go. Something sneaks up on me, tickles me and raises the hair on my neck. Then I quickly brush it away, thinking that will fix it. But it doesn't. My attempt at ridding myself of the problem, habit, negative attitude...well, my attempts at brushing them away don't work. I remove the sneaky thing to another location, a quieter corner of my mind, leaving it to wait in the wings for a moment when I'm not paying attention.

The truth is that I need an Exterminator, a very powerful one. But I keep forgetting to call Him. I try to ward off the creepy crawlies myself, hoping that if I ignore them long enough they might not multiply. But creepy crawlies always multiply if ignored, don't they? And they do more than creep me out. Some of them widdle away at me, stink me up and steal my food. The good things I know about myself get all chewed on until they don't resemble anything good.

It's not like you could really ignore a true infestation of bugs. I mean, once they're there and have been given the opportunity to reproduce in large quantities, there is no escaping them without some help. I've heard of people though, that simply get used to living with bugs. Let's take cockroaches for instance. You've seen those shows, people with garbage houses, infested with grime and bugs. And you think "HOW? How would you live like that? It's disgusting!" But I suppose it's just as anything else, as people we have a tendency to get comfortable in our misery. We judge people who live in squalor, but I for one can admit that I do the same, just not with the tangible.

I get comfortable with my anxiety, my unbelief, my fears and my doubts, until they are so normal that I don't recognize how much I'm itching and scratching. Then I'll come in contact with someone who seems to have so much more peace. To be more at ease and faithful. Then I'll suddenly remember that if I would call the Exterminator I would be much better off.

I've been realizing that a lot of this journey to God's love, to sit near His heart and really believe that He thinks I'm great, is largely difficult due to my fruitless attempts to get rid of my own junk. It's not like a human exterminator is scared of bugs. It's the same with God. He's not scared of my junk. He knows about it already and He's the only one that isn't completely intimidated by it. He can handle it. He's just that good.

Maybe it's as simple as if I really did have bugs all over my house. I would open the yellow pages and pick a name (I'm not big on research) and then I would call and say something like, "I have bugs, come right away and blast 'em." I need to do the same with the ugliness that creeps into my life, my mind, and my heart. "Exterminator, help. Please take it cause I know that you can, and I know I'll be much better off without it."

The Parent Heart of God

2008-05-31T20:08:00.004-05:00

I've been thinking about how much of the struggle to really let myself be loved by God is completely natural. Having two babies has revealed that to me in ways I don't think I understood before. Because those babies started out with such unflinching trust in my love, and then slowly and subtly it has a tendency to shift and change. They experience my humanness and it creeps into their doubtless world and steals a little bit of that trust. Like I said, it's completely natural. No one can attain perfection in parenting no matter how much we wish we could and so it just....happens. This loss of a pure belief in love is not only due to imperfect parents, although most of us would like to blame our own. But it's also that we then venture out into a difficult and surprisingly painful world and sooner or later, we put our human experience on God. We are either downright upset with Him for allowing any of the pain, or at least subconsciously, we begin to put some sort of human attributes on Him.

The "love lesson" God is teaching me these days comes from my love for my children. Not that this love, even as a mother, could ever be as raw and radically accepting as that of our Father in Heaven. But maybe it's a good start in seeing what His love looks like.

Knowing how I love my boys is a beautiful glimpse into the unfaltering and nurturing heart of God. I am crazy about them. I think they are the best two boys to ever hit the planet. Of course I do, I'm their mom. I've been keeping a very close eye on them since their very first breaths.

As they grow older and there are times I don't do right by them, I pray these two boys will never completely doubt my love for them. Hopefully they never will. It would break my heart if they did. I know fully that I could never stop loving them, not even for a moment. There is absolutely nothing they could do to lose my love, my attention, or even my time. I will always notice the things, big and little, that make them lovable. I really want them to believe that. Mostly because if they ever don't believe it, they will be finding themselves unlovable. That's just ridiculous. If it happened, I would tell them a million reasons why my love for them is unconditional. I wouldn't want to stop until they believed. And if they wouldn't hear me, if they just couldn't listen, I would wait expectantly with a thousand words on the tip of my tongue, ready to pour out my love for them. They are beyond lovable, perfect just as they are, and there will never again be anyone like them. My heart does a little leap just at the thought of them. It really does.

And this is the beginning of a greater understanding of God's love. He thinks the same way of me, and more. He has done nothing to steal away my child-like, unflinching trust. It has been my limited understanding of Him that has done that. His kind of love is not of this world. It's beyond human understanding, but still worth seeking.

There is a real freedom and joy that comes with searching after the goodness of God's heart and asking Him what He really thinks of me.

I imagine He's been waiting expectantly for me to ask Him to pour His love on me, despite anything I have ever done. After all, there is absolutely nothing I could do to up and lose His love. He is still there, I have His attention, and even His time.

A Leap

2008-05-29T09:40:00.003-05:00

I keep starting to write things and then not finishing them, or choosing to not post them. My head and heart are a jumble of thoughts and feelings and I'm having trouble sorting it all out.

God has been driving home a point and I'm not sure why I can't seem to seek it or hold on to it. Every speaker or teacher I come across these last few months wants to talk to me about God's love. You wanna know why something so simple and obvious is tricky for me?

I don't think I believe in it as much as I'd like to say that I do.

I am finally uncovering the root of my strained relationship with God. Finally admitting and seeing clearly that I don't really get it. I have put my human understanding on an all-powerful God. I assume He doesn't really care anymore. I assume He's tired of my "circle of error," as Sixpence once called it. I assume that He isn't all that impressed with the way I mistreat the gifts He's given me and how I continue in a cycle of anxiety and sometimes depression. I assume He may not be looking for me to come up over the horizon on a dirt road like the prodigal son did. I assume that He is not like the father in this parable. If I really take a good look at what my heart believes about me in this prodigal story, I see that I'm afraid He wouldn't be waiting. And maybe He wouldn't even want to look at me.

Of course my head knows this isn't true. But somewhere along the way I started to get pretty insecure, to feel like I'm not worth waiting for. I'm sure there are a myriad of reasons that I don't need to go into, but for now I just really need to figure out how to feel loved by God. He is making it quite clear that He's trying and for some odd reason I'm resisting. Maybe I'm afraid of what He might reveal, what I might need to get rid of, or do. I'm starting to realize that's pretty silly since His plan and even the ways He works stuff out of me are probably pretty incredibly cool.
In my previous post about the Potter and the clay, I talked about this incredible love because I'm just starting to really grasp it. Isn't that funny? I've grown up with Christianity and I'm just now starting to get the love part. To really get it. What exactly does it look like? What does it feel like to really know it? And I'm starting to see that if I don't truly allow myself to learn more about that kind of love and believe God when He says it, then nothing else will work.
An amazing woman said something yesterday that I totally agree with. She said (and I paraphrase) that we come to this faith and then we immediately jump to trying to be all perfect and obedient and follow a list of do's and dont's and we totally skip learning about how God loves us. We don't allow the Holy Spirit to really get that message to the core of who we are. She said maybe we need to spend a little time away from any other kind of teaching, away from the fears that can be instilled in a Christian even at church, and just rest our head on the chest of a loving Father, letting Him speak His love to us.
So I think I need to do that. I'm so tired of thinking my same old self-defeating thoughts. I'm so tired of feeling unlovable. Maybe I need to study God's attributes from HIS perspective only and stop clouding my mind with the opinions of others. Just HIS word. And me. Reading about love and putting myself in the stories of love He left for us in His book. I've never really done that. I'm going to start with imagining me being the woman at the well. In those days it was an incredibly big deal for Jesus to talk to me. And then He knows all my stuff and still talks to me, looks at me, loves me enough to tell me I'm worth changing my ways. He points out that the way I'm trying to fill myself isn't really working and that He wants fill me with something that won't fail me. Him. His love and water, leaving no space for emptiness.

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed, says the Lord, who has compassion on you." Isa. 54:10

P.S. I'll be posting little updates as a way to keep myself accountable to doing this. I usually get distracted and forget. I'm probably not the only one who needs a little dose of love... so I hope we can take this little trip together, learning that there's a Father who really is watching the horizon to see the faces of children He never forgot and eagerly awaits. Simply to start by showing us His unfailing love.

50 Hours and Five Minutes, But Who's Counting?

2008-05-25T16:21:00.007-05:00

I am counting the hours until the International Justice Mission banquet (this coming Tuesday). I mentioned on my other blog awhile ago that I couldn't stand the excitement. To prepare I have been reading two books by the president of IJM, Gary Haugen (he rocks). I love "Good News About Injustice; A Witness of Courage in a Hurting World." Wow. Great book.
I would like to say watching Bono interviews on YouTube a lot is also preparing me, but I guess it might not totally relate to IJM, but I love IJM and Bono for the same reasons. The philosophies of both just make perfect sense to me.

"Precisely because it is not our first and natural inclination, we are called to a conscious effort of reserving a space in our thought life for those who suffer abuse and oppression in our world." - Gary Haugen

So expect a rambling post after the banquet. I expect to be inspired.

The Lovely Clay

2008-05-21T13:35:00.004-05:00

Since I love a good analogy, this morning was a perfect morning for me. I got to see a video called "The Potter's Hands." I think that's what it's called anyway.
A woman named Grace (gotta love that) sits and "throws a pot" while talking about the ways that she is portraying what God does for us. To put it simply, it's beautiful. I've always somewhat understood why God called himself the potter and we the clay, but this opened my eyes to brand new levels. Of God's love. I had never really thought long and hard about the love part of God's pottery analogy. I've got more of a tendency to focus on my imperfections and thought solely about this analogy driving home the point that God has to keep molding me and molding me and molding me because I mess up so much. And I think that's true too. But His point very well may have been more about the love a potter has for his creation.
Grace (the potter) wants to cherish and hold and love each thing she has poured herself into. Because each one is uniquely made with her hand-prints all over it and she considers them "exquisite." Each creation is the only one that can do it's job in it's own unique way, even if the potter has to start over a number of times because the clay is being so unworkable. Each new creation is carefully and diligently handled, respected and admired, and brings the potter such joy and pride.
And then there's all that stuff about molding and forming and stretching... this is a never-ending analogy. I just had to focus today on the love part. Because the entire analogy comes back to that. Our lives, our faith, our impression on the world, that all starts with understanding fully the depths and heights of God's love for us. It starts with finally setting aside our thoughts of worthlessness, our fears and our unbelief. They are like the little pebbles inside a pot that make it crack when it's under fire. They need to be removed for the vessel to be strengthened and entrusted to live out it's purpose. Lately God has been trying really hard to get me to see His love for me. I'm slow to learn to say the least. But I'm starting to grasp just a glimpse of how accepting this love might do wonders in a million ways. So I'm trying. I suppose he'll have to mash me down about a hundred more times before I look as I was made to look, I just keep getting in the way of the project. But for today, I'm thankful for another lesson driven to the heart of me by analogy.

Good Grief

2008-05-13T17:41:00.006-05:00

Grief is a bit like being sucked into a vacuum. The brush has pulled you under and in, and it's out of your control. You feel like you've entered a whole new place. Everyone on the outside appears to be going about business as usual, and you wonder if they notice you're covered in dust. As horrible as that may be, it's good. Grief is good because it pulls you through. It forces you to take a look at how you feel. It pushes you through the sadness that would overtake you if you were left where you were right after a profound loss. Of a person, or a place, or a way of being that felt like home. Something is gone, sucking you into a period of grieving.

Grief will not let you stay in one of the ugliest places you could stay. Swallowed.

The churning inside and the rush of memories is too much to ignore. So you are pushed forward, heels dragging in the dirt, thanks to grief.

Because of grief, you press on, thinking the thoughts you might have been too afraid to think. Feeling things you wouldn't have allowed yourself to feel without it.

Thank you, grief. Thank you, God. You knew there would be healing because of grief.

This and Not That

2008-05-09T19:16:00.004-05:00

There are times when I run smack dab into something that I can't stand to be in. Times when I have to grit my teeth and bite my tongue and hold my breath. Or at least take a deep breath and try to clear through the mud of my thoughts because I can't really believe what's happening.

Today I ran smack dab into someone and proceeded through an awkward conversation. I have a tendency toward awkwardness when it comes to certain subjects. These are the only kinds of conversations that make me truly uncomfortable. For the most part I'm pretty at ease with talking with people. I love to do it. I can disagree with someone on something and still enjoy their company and respect them as people while muddling through our differences. But there is one thing that will shut me up. Or make me stammer through, unable to find my words. It is in these moments that it's probably pretty important for me to know how to respond, but I'm not quite sure yet that I do. So I shut up. Or off. It's possible that I still can't say much because I get pretty angry and hurt and it's probably better if my mouth stays closed.

The core of what angers me is judgment. But there's so much to that. It blows my mind when a fellow Christian assumes I'm on the same page as they are on issues. Then they feel they have the freedom to say whatever hurtful or criticizing thing that they think or feel and I'm expected to vehemently agree. Or at least nod or tsk to show my support and disgust. And I don't. Then it gets awkward.

It's tricky because it's not that I don't love the person I'm talking to, it's just that I don't love how they look at other people in those moments. Most of the time the person or persons they are judging is someone whose lifestyle doesn't align with conservative Christian values. Maybe I shut down because I've been in a pretty "unclean" place in my life and know fully that I was loved by God the entire time. Maybe I want to extend that same grace to anyone who is doing anything. Maybe it just hits too close to home and I want to scream, "Do you realize you're talking about ME?" Maybe it's because I still carry so many imperfections of my own, I in no way have a right to point a finger. Or maybe it's just that I don't get it....

keeping the focus on everyone else's failures or choices and off of yourself seems so obviously avoidant.

I also just don't understand how the way Jesus lived and the way He treated sinners is just totally disregarded? How did that happen? Is it just human nature? The same people who live by a very strict moral law for the sake of Christianity are unable to use the same restraint in the judgment arena. I just don't get it.

And now I'm judging the judgers. I guess I'm thinking out loud again because of the random run-in of the day and the conversation that ensued. It left me hurt and sad for the state of Christianity. The way it's about this and not that.

Lessons from a Cat

2008-05-09T08:02:00.003-05:00

My cat is kinda fickle. If there is food in his bowl and it's not fresh, he won't touch it. Every morning and every evening, the cat circles around his bowl, crying out, Feed Me! And I walk over and see that he has a full bowl of food and think, Just eat what you have!
But then it hit me the other day, Don't I like fresh food daily? What if everyday someone set in front of me the same meal, partially eaten and said, Just Eat it! I would cry out, but i want something new and FRESH! I get it.
I think that is how we also are with spirituality. We have come to demand something fresh and new everyday from God. And I especially see this in the church. Churches constantly have to re-invent themselves to stay relevant, new, hip and FRESH. No one wants the same dull worship and sermon week after week. And what happens when we get bored? We seek other places to find that freshness. Im not talking about a church that has literally dried up, where because of various reasons, the Spirit is no longer moving, the shepherd is no longer leading and it is dead. What I am referring to, is the constant merry-go-round of feed me, fill me and entertain me. Sadly, it mirrors our culture. Kurt Cobain said it best, "Here we are now, entertain us."
Thus goes the way of the church, if they want people in the pews, there better be a good show. I'm not saying this is right or wrong, because believe me, sometimes church is very boring. I really don't blame the church at all, you have to move with the tides. But as Heather wrote not too long ago, what if church wasn't just a Sunday morning ritual but an everyday practice? Living in community and fellowship with others. Maybe we could find our true joy in serving others and helping others find their joy. Or maybe we can find something new and fresh every morning, just by waking up and saying Ok God, pour yourself into me, so i can pour myself into others. Is that possible? That is my struggle, because quite honestly I do want to be entertained. I want life to be fresh and new, but I tend to find it through media, culture and entertainment. But can life just be entertaining and fresh just by being regular life, and can I truly find joy in the little things???

Seen vs. Unseen

2008-05-08T18:35:00.000-05:00

"You can in no manner be satisfied with temporal goods, for you were not created to find your rest in them." ~ Thomas à Kempis

"Our work here is brief but its reward is eternal. Do not be disturbed by the clamor of the world, which passes away like a shadow." ~Clare of Assisi

Sometimes I wish I realized these simple things a long time ago. But they really aren't so simple are they? I love the temporal, i lust for the things of the earth. I want, I need, I find comfort in what i can grasp. The fact of the matter is, is that i spend way too much time not just in the world, but of the world. I often lack the faith to believe that someday there will be an eternity waiting for me that is better than this earth. But then again, I often loathe this life. The sadness, sorrow, pain, death, hurt, and all the other evils. Sometimes when i talk with God, I say, Why do you play so many cruel jokes? As if there is the proverbial carrot dangling in front of my face, almost mine, but always just out of my grasp. I live with disappointment, my heart has been broken one too many times and I sometimes don't have a lot of hope. And yet, I still go back for more. Why? because i love the things of the earth. We are called to "fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen" but how do you do that? Faith? Trust? But i like what i see! I like things, and I take comfort in human relationships that may or may not fulfill me. But is it enough? No. That is the crux of the matter. The things of this earth are never enough, never quite fulfilling. I get my fix, but i am never full. The beauty of this mess is that the Lord is still faithful to me, when i am not always faithful to him. His mercies really are new every morning. His love endures forever. I don't know if I will ever reach a place in my life where i will be completely selfless, with no agendas of my own? I wish i knew for certain that everyday I would bear the fruit of the spirit, only say and do kind deeds for others, love wholeheartedly with no reservations. But reality is there will be times when I will want more than i am ready to give and all the pretty little things that entice me will continue to do just that... entice. And I will fail at times... but Thankfully(!) God will never fail me.
~SMR

Maybe I'm Just Thinking Out Loud About Church

2008-05-06T15:44:00.000-05:00

I was sitting in church the other day wondering why I've never felt like I fit in. This discontent sneaks up on me. I probably shouldn't feel it in the prescence of other believers, but I do. Like I'm all itchy and uncomfortable. It reminds me of how I have a tendency to feel with my in-laws. Like people are trying to consider me family, and they have good intentions, but it's sort of forced.

I like the whole "small group movement" in church these days because it's an opportunity to get real. But then again, I'm not too good at attempting those either because I feel like I'm expected to get close to people I maybe naturally wouldn't have gotten close to. Maybe I'm just a brat.

Here's what I think would be a really cool church:
Maybe there wouldn't even be a building. The "Church" would be people. And the people would come together naturally because of what they believe and a divine connection they feel to one another. Like how I feel with my dearest friends. So I guess it would be them. And we'd all live in the same neighborhood. We would be together like the disciples were because we're just so crazy about figuring out what God is really saying about a whole lot of things. We wouldn't neccasarily have to do church meetings on Sundays because it would just be happening naturally any day of the week. Praying over a meal could turn into "praise and worship,"because we'd get all fired up praying about all the things God is doing in our lives. We would share the truth of who we really are on a regular basis without fear because we would love each other too much to judge. We would share in every day conversation what God is teaching us as we seek Him. So I guess those conversations would be the sermons. We would be left refreshed and inspired by talking regularly about the goodness of God and the gifts He has given us to fulfill an amazing purpose that only we hold. Last but not least, all would be welcome and we'd keep the potlucks. There's nothing like a good potluck.

It's Unanimous

2008-05-03T15:15:00.000-05:00

In my mid-twenties I played a game with a name I can't remember. But I will never forget the moment during that silly board game that changed my life. You see, the object of the game was to learn a little bit more about what your friends think of you. So there were light and simple questions like, "who has the best legs?" and "who has the strongest personality?" You had to do a secret vote. Every person was a color. When the question was asked, you would secretly cast your vote, pulling out the color card of the person with the best legs for instance, and put it in a ballot box. It seemed harmless and silly enough, but every once and awhile we came across a more difficult question to answer. Which brings me to the unanimous vote that changed my life;
"If life is a highway, which one of you got off on the wrong exit?"
The ballot box went around the circle, returning to the questioner, who emptied the cards on the table. There they lay. Clear as day. Blue. Blue. Blue. Blue. And blue. The irony. I was officially and unanimously off on the wrong exit. Lost. Confused. Possibly forgotten? Funny thing is, I voted for myself too. I knew. I just knew. My dearest and most lovely friends couldn't look me in the eye. The game suddenly became a bit too honest and a lot less fun. When someone starts crying, the game kind of fizzles out. But I couldn't stop the tears no matter how hard I tried because it hit me that I wasn't fooling anyone. My friends loved me no matter what road I was on, I knew that without a doubt. They probably didn't even realize how much I had changed, and how far off my appointed path I had strayed. They meant absolutely no harm. But it was a defining moment for me. This unanimous vote got me thinking about far more than mistakes in vocation or relationships. I suddenly realized that the damaging choices I made in these areas were just symptoms of a deeper issue. I had to start asking the hard questions. How did I get here? When exactly did I exit? Why? Now what?
Being the one who got off on the wrong exit isn't all bad. If not for having done so, I would never have been prepared to live my dream.

I love to write. I started this blog because I want a place to write. I want to write about faith. I want to write about today's Christianity versus the Christianity brought to us by Jesus. I want to write about justice and what it really means to "love our neighbor." I want to write about the love of God and the desire He has for us to live more fully; to live out the passions He alone instilled in us. I want to write about why we're so far from doing that. Why I was so far from doing that.
I want to write about all of this and more because I've made a journey off the "wrong exit" toward a Divine destination. Along the way, I've discovered some of the hidden reasons that brought me to a place of insecurity and disillusionment in the first place.
I know I'm not the only one with my particular reasons for turning on the blinker at the wrong moment and taking a detour. If anything, I want to help someone see that they're okay. Sometimes being in a pit is a part of being in God's love for you. Sometimes it's the only way to see what He really means when He says He loves you. Or what it really means to love other people. If left in a subculture of Christianity, acting as if we're fine, feeling as if we don't fit in anyway, we would not be able to fulfill His purposes. So here we are. The prodigals. The wanderers. The seekers. The thinkers.... Only now, after the "wrong exit," are we able to do more than we ever asked or imagined.