I've started writing this three times now, gotten about four paragraphs into it, stopped and deleted it. Maybe that's because I don't really know what I'm thinking or trying to say. So bear with me, as once again, I think out loud.
I struggle so much with a busy mind (not much clarity, only a few moments of 'crisp and clear' here and there). I have a hard time figuring out what's really right and wrong. I have been experiencing this struggle pretty much my entire life. I know a lot of it has to do with being brought up in some pretty conservative circles. I think in some ways that can really mess with your head. And your heart.
I also think it simply has to do with the fact that we're all made to know there's right and wrong, to feel that intuition about yourself and others that really does come down to morals. But there are so many angles and gray areas to me. Sometimes I wish I were more legalistic so I would just be more comfortable and at ease with myself and the way I live life. Behind the rules.
Right now I'm not so comfortable. I still struggle with the idea that God's love and grace are dependant on how I'm living, acting, and even feeling. I don't know how to shake that.
In my childhood and teen years, I did live by the rules (for the most part). The things that were considered really bad, I refrained from.
I think I was happiest then, in the sense of not being tormented by my conscience (as unhealthy as my trained conscience can be). In a sense, I felt free because I was following the rules.
But I don't think that's good.
I don't want to feel free because I'm following the rules.
I want to feel free because I feel wholly loved.
I don't want the things I do to determine how close I feel to God.
I want God's love and how that brings me close to Him, to determine the things I do.
I want to live by the rules on accident.
I want to be so aware that God is crazy about me that I accidentally take care of myself and others, believe in myself, and live out of the joy that brings.
I don't want the things I do and the way I live to come first.
I want the love of God to come first, spilling all over every aspect of who I am.
So I guess what I'm saying is that I wish I would have learned fully of God's love before I learned a list of rights and wrongs. When it comes to "The Christian walk," my road and my ideas are colored with do's and dont's, rather than what it's truly all about.
*I just paused in the writing of this and discovered Midnight Cafe had posted something here (thank you!), and she said what I'm trying to say. So I'm going to stop rambling on now and post this tomorrow. I want hers to be the latest post for awhile. Cause it's good stuff...
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Thoughts on Love
I think I was 11 years old when I first doubted my salvation. I had given my life to God at the small age of 4, but, at 11, I began to wonder if I was really, honestly "saved." The crisis began when a teacher at my tiny Christian school called me "self-righteous" in front of the whole class and told me that self-righteousness was just as sinful as more obvious things like lying and cheating. And, while I actually believe that to be true, I'm not sure how helpful it is to point that out to anyone, much less an 11 year old who probably couldn't even define self-righteousness at the time. I wondered if I was lacking in faith since I was "self-righteous" and, therefore, trying to earn my salvation, rather than accepting it as a free gift from God. If I was lacking in faith then maybe I wasn't really a Christian at all.
I don't really believe I was self-righteous at the age of 11, or maybe I was in a kid sort of way. I tried to be good, to do the right thing, to get good grades, and to make my parents proud. I wonder how my life would have been different if that teacher had made a point of telling me in front of the whole class that God was so in love with me, that God smiled on my efforts to be good and to do good but that nothing I could ever do would make God not love me any more. I wonder who I would be if I had learned at a much earlier age to trust in God's goodness, love, and kindness. Kindness. Love is kind. This gentle, loving message is so painfully missing from the lives of most Christian or formerly-Christian people I know. The church, as I see it right now, is so full of judgment, is so terribly good at pointing out sin, and is so downright bad at helping people understand the central characteristic of God: God is love. So bad, in fact, that an 11 year old can have a crisis over whether they're really "saved."
So, I'm starting small and trying to change my own little corner of the world. I try to think of God's love when I'm with my kids. Love is kind. Love doesn't humiliate people in front of the whole class...or the whole family. It is better to communicate God's love to them than to dwell on their sinfulness. I want them to operate out of a sense of their loved-ness rather than guilt or fear. This reminds me of one of my favorite principles of parenting: It is better to teach what "to" do rather than what "not" to do. I want my children to know who they are: children who are desperately loved by the King, and, then out of their assurance of that love and some careful teaching, I hope they grow into compassionate, loving people, who desire to serve God and to serve others.
I don't really believe I was self-righteous at the age of 11, or maybe I was in a kid sort of way. I tried to be good, to do the right thing, to get good grades, and to make my parents proud. I wonder how my life would have been different if that teacher had made a point of telling me in front of the whole class that God was so in love with me, that God smiled on my efforts to be good and to do good but that nothing I could ever do would make God not love me any more. I wonder who I would be if I had learned at a much earlier age to trust in God's goodness, love, and kindness. Kindness. Love is kind. This gentle, loving message is so painfully missing from the lives of most Christian or formerly-Christian people I know. The church, as I see it right now, is so full of judgment, is so terribly good at pointing out sin, and is so downright bad at helping people understand the central characteristic of God: God is love. So bad, in fact, that an 11 year old can have a crisis over whether they're really "saved."
So, I'm starting small and trying to change my own little corner of the world. I try to think of God's love when I'm with my kids. Love is kind. Love doesn't humiliate people in front of the whole class...or the whole family. It is better to communicate God's love to them than to dwell on their sinfulness. I want them to operate out of a sense of their loved-ness rather than guilt or fear. This reminds me of one of my favorite principles of parenting: It is better to teach what "to" do rather than what "not" to do. I want my children to know who they are: children who are desperately loved by the King, and, then out of their assurance of that love and some careful teaching, I hope they grow into compassionate, loving people, who desire to serve God and to serve others.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
That Beautiful Thing
I had a very interesting conversation about Christianity last night. This particular conversation has been a long time coming and today I can't get it out of my head. I really didn't say much. Hardly anything at all. I listened long and hard about the views of...let's call him...Ron. I respected him and refrained from talking. That's really hard for me to do. I love to talk. I love to say what I think. I love to keep rambling until I feel I've been understood. But last night there wasn't room for that. It isn't even that I'm afraid I don't know what to say, although at times there's some of that. It's just that sometimes it's time to shut up.
I'm torn about this conversation because the topic was so heavy and intense and I felt as if I couldn't do justice to what I hold in my heart. I'm also torn because on so many levels Ron and I are on the same page. We hold a lot of the same views on justice, compassion, peace, and the struggle to understand why Christianity has become what it is today.
I've known for a long time where Ron comes from. He says he's not a Christian, but is very focused on spirituality. He believes in the spirit world, in a divine calling and plan for our lives, and each person's individual power. That we are all made in God's image and hold His power and His goodness. (I'm probably not doing his beliefs justice because there isn't enough space and time here, and I'm not him, so I can't speak for him. That's simply a short version of my take on what he believes.)
And Jesus? Well, we talked about Him a lot. Or I should say Ron talked about him a lot and I listened. It may be putting it too simply, but my understanding is that he believes Jesus did live here. He believes He did what the Bible says He did. He talked a long while about Jesus' love, His ability to perform miracles, and His revolution for the poor in a dark time. He called it all a "beautiful thing." But the thing that Ron can't stand is how the end of the story is, in his view used for fostering guilt. He talked about being shown the crucifixion story at a young age and how it scarred him. He feels he was taught that the message behind the cross is that you should be so disturbed by it that you never forget that you owe this Jesus. That you never forget how unworthy you are. That you never forget that you better live in a way that doesn't offend what Jesus did. And if you don't live right, you better feel pretty bad about nailing Jesus to that cross.
This is one of the areas where I can totally respect his frustration. I don't think that any of what he was fed, or that many of us are fed, is the point at all. Jesus did not die so we'd feel bad about it for a lifetime. He did it to take on every ugly perversion and hateful act of mankind in one fell swoop so that we could be free. He did it because He is love. I'm not saying we're free to do whatever we want because Jesus took care of it, but I genuinely don't believe the point of the cross was for us to wallow in our unworthiness and never forget how bad we are. But sometimes that's what we're taught, subtley or not.
I think the only question I asked Ron was what he thinks about Jesus claiming He is God. The one and only God. He said some things about how he doesn't know, because he's not sure exactly what Jesus said and perhaps His words have been twisted...Then he went on to say how frustrating it is to watch the Western world fall for an idea of fear-based religion and all that's been stripped from the original stories and teachings of Jesus. That frustrates me too. But I still believe that Jesus is the one and only God, part of a beautiful trinity that has revealed itself to me in a powerful, tangible and personal way. That's where we're different. But I didn't say that.
I didn't say it because Christians really have done a number on the truths of a loving God. To the extent that when these conversations arise, there is so much frustration and anger, that I don't even get a chance to speak. Pretty much anything I could say would come out sounding like the same old mumbo jumbo Ron's been hearing his entire life. Things he has an educated argument against.
There are times when I think I just need to rest in being me. Just rest in knowing that there are times when I shouldn't speak. Rest in the hope that perhaps my life might speak more than any scripted answer I could ever attempt at giving. I cannot tout my beliefs to someone who is in fight or flight mode. He's in that mode because of a long history of people in his life misrepresenting Christianity.
What is so interesting to me is that if you take the Christianity of today and you strip away judgement, arrogance and disrespect, and maybe even guilt, you come up with what Ron believes. If these things were removed from his idea of Christianity, he may not refuse to call himself a Christian. Because the things he holds dearest to his heart and soul are exactly what Jesus came to teach.
So I'm thinking about this conversation today and feeling sad and a little angry. Angry that the "beautiful thing"Jesus came to do has been all covered up in many ways. And yet I'm feeling hopeful, knowing that all of it works together. Even the disillusionment and failures of God's people and the mistakes they've made to hurt others will all work together in His good and perfect plan. He's that powerful. He's that wise. And He loves us that much.
I'm torn about this conversation because the topic was so heavy and intense and I felt as if I couldn't do justice to what I hold in my heart. I'm also torn because on so many levels Ron and I are on the same page. We hold a lot of the same views on justice, compassion, peace, and the struggle to understand why Christianity has become what it is today.
I've known for a long time where Ron comes from. He says he's not a Christian, but is very focused on spirituality. He believes in the spirit world, in a divine calling and plan for our lives, and each person's individual power. That we are all made in God's image and hold His power and His goodness. (I'm probably not doing his beliefs justice because there isn't enough space and time here, and I'm not him, so I can't speak for him. That's simply a short version of my take on what he believes.)
And Jesus? Well, we talked about Him a lot. Or I should say Ron talked about him a lot and I listened. It may be putting it too simply, but my understanding is that he believes Jesus did live here. He believes He did what the Bible says He did. He talked a long while about Jesus' love, His ability to perform miracles, and His revolution for the poor in a dark time. He called it all a "beautiful thing." But the thing that Ron can't stand is how the end of the story is, in his view used for fostering guilt. He talked about being shown the crucifixion story at a young age and how it scarred him. He feels he was taught that the message behind the cross is that you should be so disturbed by it that you never forget that you owe this Jesus. That you never forget how unworthy you are. That you never forget that you better live in a way that doesn't offend what Jesus did. And if you don't live right, you better feel pretty bad about nailing Jesus to that cross.
This is one of the areas where I can totally respect his frustration. I don't think that any of what he was fed, or that many of us are fed, is the point at all. Jesus did not die so we'd feel bad about it for a lifetime. He did it to take on every ugly perversion and hateful act of mankind in one fell swoop so that we could be free. He did it because He is love. I'm not saying we're free to do whatever we want because Jesus took care of it, but I genuinely don't believe the point of the cross was for us to wallow in our unworthiness and never forget how bad we are. But sometimes that's what we're taught, subtley or not.
I think the only question I asked Ron was what he thinks about Jesus claiming He is God. The one and only God. He said some things about how he doesn't know, because he's not sure exactly what Jesus said and perhaps His words have been twisted...Then he went on to say how frustrating it is to watch the Western world fall for an idea of fear-based religion and all that's been stripped from the original stories and teachings of Jesus. That frustrates me too. But I still believe that Jesus is the one and only God, part of a beautiful trinity that has revealed itself to me in a powerful, tangible and personal way. That's where we're different. But I didn't say that.
I didn't say it because Christians really have done a number on the truths of a loving God. To the extent that when these conversations arise, there is so much frustration and anger, that I don't even get a chance to speak. Pretty much anything I could say would come out sounding like the same old mumbo jumbo Ron's been hearing his entire life. Things he has an educated argument against.
There are times when I think I just need to rest in being me. Just rest in knowing that there are times when I shouldn't speak. Rest in the hope that perhaps my life might speak more than any scripted answer I could ever attempt at giving. I cannot tout my beliefs to someone who is in fight or flight mode. He's in that mode because of a long history of people in his life misrepresenting Christianity.
What is so interesting to me is that if you take the Christianity of today and you strip away judgement, arrogance and disrespect, and maybe even guilt, you come up with what Ron believes. If these things were removed from his idea of Christianity, he may not refuse to call himself a Christian. Because the things he holds dearest to his heart and soul are exactly what Jesus came to teach.
So I'm thinking about this conversation today and feeling sad and a little angry. Angry that the "beautiful thing"Jesus came to do has been all covered up in many ways. And yet I'm feeling hopeful, knowing that all of it works together. Even the disillusionment and failures of God's people and the mistakes they've made to hurt others will all work together in His good and perfect plan. He's that powerful. He's that wise. And He loves us that much.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Never Gone
When I get a little of my own head space, away from the demands of every day life as a mom, I think. Well, I think all the time, too much really, but I think even more when I get a moment to myself. So the shower is a great place for ideas. Thoughts flow there, just like the water, with no interruptions.
Sometimes I take really short showers because I have to jump out and write something down. It's like God is showering me with His wisdom, and I have to take note so I won't forget what He taught me in a moment by myself.
I set that up like I'm about to share something super powerful and life-changing. I'm not because I don't think that's possible. Light bulb, or "ah-hah" moments usually aren't shared at the same moment in someone else's mind. Nor in the same way. Sometimes I repeat one of these moments to someone and they just stare at me like, "well yeah....duh." Maybe that's because those moments really are too personal, speaking to your heart in a way that will never happen again. It can't be repeated even within yourself. It's like waking and trying hard to hold onto the last moments of an interesting dream. Usually you just can't get it back in the same vivid and profound way.
When I have these moments and feel as if God said something just for me, I feel loved. It's so amazing that He "lifts the veil," helping me gain wisdom and experience the reality of His truths. Those truths are always freeing. His whispers are always meant to bring me further from a rut I've been in. Sometimes He says it through a wise friend. Sometimes at church. But mostly He speaks it straight to the heart because that's where He's always looking.
It has been good for me to rest in that idea. To realize that God is most interested in my heart. He sees all that I am there, and is slowly showing me His love in those quiet moments. He says that underneath it all, I'm His. That's it. Loved. Despite the things I'd like to get caught up in focusing on about myself, He sees the core of my heart, the image of Himself. That can't be removed. Hidden sometimes, maybe yes. Covered a bit by my own history, but never gone.
"I'm gonna start with the scraps of the truth. I was starting to see that the past might color the future, but it didn't determine it. And if I could believe that, it was much easier to let go of what I'd done wrong." - Paige, in Harvesting the Heart by Jodi Picoult
Sometimes I take really short showers because I have to jump out and write something down. It's like God is showering me with His wisdom, and I have to take note so I won't forget what He taught me in a moment by myself.
I set that up like I'm about to share something super powerful and life-changing. I'm not because I don't think that's possible. Light bulb, or "ah-hah" moments usually aren't shared at the same moment in someone else's mind. Nor in the same way. Sometimes I repeat one of these moments to someone and they just stare at me like, "well yeah....duh." Maybe that's because those moments really are too personal, speaking to your heart in a way that will never happen again. It can't be repeated even within yourself. It's like waking and trying hard to hold onto the last moments of an interesting dream. Usually you just can't get it back in the same vivid and profound way.
When I have these moments and feel as if God said something just for me, I feel loved. It's so amazing that He "lifts the veil," helping me gain wisdom and experience the reality of His truths. Those truths are always freeing. His whispers are always meant to bring me further from a rut I've been in. Sometimes He says it through a wise friend. Sometimes at church. But mostly He speaks it straight to the heart because that's where He's always looking.
It has been good for me to rest in that idea. To realize that God is most interested in my heart. He sees all that I am there, and is slowly showing me His love in those quiet moments. He says that underneath it all, I'm His. That's it. Loved. Despite the things I'd like to get caught up in focusing on about myself, He sees the core of my heart, the image of Himself. That can't be removed. Hidden sometimes, maybe yes. Covered a bit by my own history, but never gone.
"I'm gonna start with the scraps of the truth. I was starting to see that the past might color the future, but it didn't determine it. And if I could believe that, it was much easier to let go of what I'd done wrong." - Paige, in Harvesting the Heart by Jodi Picoult
Friday, June 6, 2008
Exterminate Me
I was just sitting here reading some of my favorite blogs and I felt a little tickle at my neck. I reached up and realized there was something there and immediately went into the panic brush off, in case it might be a spider. Or worse, a tick. You know this brush off, the one where your whole body responds and you frantically swipe at yourself without looking at what monstrous thing it might be. This 'something' fell to my lap, but I still don't know what it was. I couldn't find it. I was looking everywhere to make sure I didn't remove the horrifying insect to another part of my body, only to have it crawl around and try to get back to my neck.
I got to thinking about how I'm like that when there's something in my life that is also quite icky and needs to go. Something sneaks up on me, tickles me and raises the hair on my neck. Then I quickly brush it away, thinking that will fix it. But it doesn't. My attempt at ridding myself of the problem, habit, negative attitude...well, my attempts at brushing them away don't work. I remove the sneaky thing to another location, a quieter corner of my mind, leaving it to wait in the wings for a moment when I'm not paying attention.
The truth is that I need an Exterminator, a very powerful one. But I keep forgetting to call Him. I try to ward off the creepy crawlies myself, hoping that if I ignore them long enough they might not multiply. But creepy crawlies always multiply if ignored, don't they? And they do more than creep me out. Some of them widdle away at me, stink me up and steal my food. The good things I know about myself get all chewed on until they don't resemble anything good.
It's not like you could really ignore a true infestation of bugs. I mean, once they're there and have been given the opportunity to reproduce in large quantities, there is no escaping them without some help. I've heard of people though, that simply get used to living with bugs. Let's take cockroaches for instance. You've seen those shows, people with garbage houses, infested with grime and bugs. And you think "HOW? How would you live like that? It's disgusting!" But I suppose it's just as anything else, as people we have a tendency to get comfortable in our misery. We judge people who live in squalor, but I for one can admit that I do the same, just not with the tangible.
I get comfortable with my anxiety, my unbelief, my fears and my doubts, until they are so normal that I don't recognize how much I'm itching and scratching. Then I'll come in contact with someone who seems to have so much more peace. To be more at ease and faithful. Then I'll suddenly remember that if I would call the Exterminator I would be much better off.
I've been realizing that a lot of this journey to God's love, to sit near His heart and really believe that He thinks I'm great, is largely difficult due to my fruitless attempts to get rid of my own junk. It's not like a human exterminator is scared of bugs. It's the same with God. He's not scared of my junk. He knows about it already and He's the only one that isn't completely intimidated by it. He can handle it. He's just that good.
Maybe it's as simple as if I really did have bugs all over my house. I would open the yellow pages and pick a name (I'm not big on research) and then I would call and say something like, "I have bugs, come right away and blast 'em." I need to do the same with the ugliness that creeps into my life, my mind, and my heart. "Exterminator, help. Please take it cause I know that you can, and I know I'll be much better off without it."
I got to thinking about how I'm like that when there's something in my life that is also quite icky and needs to go. Something sneaks up on me, tickles me and raises the hair on my neck. Then I quickly brush it away, thinking that will fix it. But it doesn't. My attempt at ridding myself of the problem, habit, negative attitude...well, my attempts at brushing them away don't work. I remove the sneaky thing to another location, a quieter corner of my mind, leaving it to wait in the wings for a moment when I'm not paying attention.
The truth is that I need an Exterminator, a very powerful one. But I keep forgetting to call Him. I try to ward off the creepy crawlies myself, hoping that if I ignore them long enough they might not multiply. But creepy crawlies always multiply if ignored, don't they? And they do more than creep me out. Some of them widdle away at me, stink me up and steal my food. The good things I know about myself get all chewed on until they don't resemble anything good.
It's not like you could really ignore a true infestation of bugs. I mean, once they're there and have been given the opportunity to reproduce in large quantities, there is no escaping them without some help. I've heard of people though, that simply get used to living with bugs. Let's take cockroaches for instance. You've seen those shows, people with garbage houses, infested with grime and bugs. And you think "HOW? How would you live like that? It's disgusting!" But I suppose it's just as anything else, as people we have a tendency to get comfortable in our misery. We judge people who live in squalor, but I for one can admit that I do the same, just not with the tangible.
I get comfortable with my anxiety, my unbelief, my fears and my doubts, until they are so normal that I don't recognize how much I'm itching and scratching. Then I'll come in contact with someone who seems to have so much more peace. To be more at ease and faithful. Then I'll suddenly remember that if I would call the Exterminator I would be much better off.
I've been realizing that a lot of this journey to God's love, to sit near His heart and really believe that He thinks I'm great, is largely difficult due to my fruitless attempts to get rid of my own junk. It's not like a human exterminator is scared of bugs. It's the same with God. He's not scared of my junk. He knows about it already and He's the only one that isn't completely intimidated by it. He can handle it. He's just that good.
Maybe it's as simple as if I really did have bugs all over my house. I would open the yellow pages and pick a name (I'm not big on research) and then I would call and say something like, "I have bugs, come right away and blast 'em." I need to do the same with the ugliness that creeps into my life, my mind, and my heart. "Exterminator, help. Please take it cause I know that you can, and I know I'll be much better off without it."
Saturday, May 31, 2008
The Parent Heart of God
I've been thinking about how much of the struggle to really let myself be loved by God is completely natural. Having two babies has revealed that to me in ways I don't think I understood before. Because those babies started out with such unflinching trust in my love, and then slowly and subtly it has a tendency to shift and change. They experience my humanness and it creeps into their doubtless world and steals a little bit of that trust. Like I said, it's completely natural. No one can attain perfection in parenting no matter how much we wish we could and so it just....happens. This loss of a pure belief in love is not only due to imperfect parents, although most of us would like to blame our own. But it's also that we then venture out into a difficult and surprisingly painful world and sooner or later, we put our human experience on God. We are either downright upset with Him for allowing any of the pain, or at least subconsciously, we begin to put some sort of human attributes on Him.
The "love lesson" God is teaching me these days comes from my love for my children. Not that this love, even as a mother, could ever be as raw and radically accepting as that of our Father in Heaven. But maybe it's a good start in seeing what His love looks like.
Knowing how I love my boys is a beautiful glimpse into the unfaltering and nurturing heart of God. I am crazy about them. I think they are the best two boys to ever hit the planet. Of course I do, I'm their mom. I've been keeping a very close eye on them since their very first breaths.
As they grow older and there are times I don't do right by them, I pray these two boys will never completely doubt my love for them. Hopefully they never will. It would break my heart if they did. I know fully that I could never stop loving them, not even for a moment. There is absolutely nothing they could do to lose my love, my attention, or even my time. I will always notice the things, big and little, that make them lovable. I really want them to believe that. Mostly because if they ever don't believe it, they will be finding themselves unlovable. That's just ridiculous. If it happened, I would tell them a million reasons why my love for them is unconditional. I wouldn't want to stop until they believed. And if they wouldn't hear me, if they just couldn't listen, I would wait expectantly with a thousand words on the tip of my tongue, ready to pour out my love for them. They are beyond lovable, perfect just as they are, and there will never again be anyone like them. My heart does a little leap just at the thought of them. It really does.
And this is the beginning of a greater understanding of God's love. He thinks the same way of me, and more. He has done nothing to steal away my child-like, unflinching trust. It has been my limited understanding of Him that has done that. His kind of love is not of this world. It's beyond human understanding, but still worth seeking.
The "love lesson" God is teaching me these days comes from my love for my children. Not that this love, even as a mother, could ever be as raw and radically accepting as that of our Father in Heaven. But maybe it's a good start in seeing what His love looks like.
Knowing how I love my boys is a beautiful glimpse into the unfaltering and nurturing heart of God. I am crazy about them. I think they are the best two boys to ever hit the planet. Of course I do, I'm their mom. I've been keeping a very close eye on them since their very first breaths.
As they grow older and there are times I don't do right by them, I pray these two boys will never completely doubt my love for them. Hopefully they never will. It would break my heart if they did. I know fully that I could never stop loving them, not even for a moment. There is absolutely nothing they could do to lose my love, my attention, or even my time. I will always notice the things, big and little, that make them lovable. I really want them to believe that. Mostly because if they ever don't believe it, they will be finding themselves unlovable. That's just ridiculous. If it happened, I would tell them a million reasons why my love for them is unconditional. I wouldn't want to stop until they believed. And if they wouldn't hear me, if they just couldn't listen, I would wait expectantly with a thousand words on the tip of my tongue, ready to pour out my love for them. They are beyond lovable, perfect just as they are, and there will never again be anyone like them. My heart does a little leap just at the thought of them. It really does.
And this is the beginning of a greater understanding of God's love. He thinks the same way of me, and more. He has done nothing to steal away my child-like, unflinching trust. It has been my limited understanding of Him that has done that. His kind of love is not of this world. It's beyond human understanding, but still worth seeking.
There is a real freedom and joy that comes with searching after the goodness of God's heart and asking Him what He really thinks of me.
I imagine He's been waiting expectantly for me to ask Him to pour His love on me, despite anything I have ever done. After all, there is absolutely nothing I could do to up and lose His love. He is still there, I have His attention, and even His time.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
A Leap
I keep starting to write things and then not finishing them, or choosing to not post them. My head and heart are a jumble of thoughts and feelings and I'm having trouble sorting it all out.
God has been driving home a point and I'm not sure why I can't seem to seek it or hold on to it. Every speaker or teacher I come across these last few months wants to talk to me about God's love. You wanna know why something so simple and obvious is tricky for me?
I am finally uncovering the root of my strained relationship with God. Finally admitting and seeing clearly that I don't really get it. I have put my human understanding on an all-powerful God. I assume He doesn't really care anymore. I assume He's tired of my "circle of error," as Sixpence once called it. I assume that He isn't all that impressed with the way I mistreat the gifts He's given me and how I continue in a cycle of anxiety and sometimes depression. I assume He may not be looking for me to come up over the horizon on a dirt road like the prodigal son did. I assume that He is not like the father in this parable. If I really take a good look at what my heart believes about me in this prodigal story, I see that I'm afraid He wouldn't be waiting. And maybe He wouldn't even want to look at me.
Of course my head knows this isn't true. But somewhere along the way I started to get pretty insecure, to feel like I'm not worth waiting for. I'm sure there are a myriad of reasons that I don't need to go into, but for now I just really need to figure out how to feel loved by God. He is making it quite clear that He's trying and for some odd reason I'm resisting. Maybe I'm afraid of what He might reveal, what I might need to get rid of, or do. I'm starting to realize that's pretty silly since His plan and even the ways He works stuff out of me are probably pretty incredibly cool.
In my previous post about the Potter and the clay, I talked about this incredible love because I'm just starting to really grasp it. Isn't that funny? I've grown up with Christianity and I'm just now starting to get the love part. To really get it. What exactly does it look like? What does it feel like to really know it? And I'm starting to see that if I don't truly allow myself to learn more about that kind of love and believe God when He says it, then nothing else will work.
An amazing woman said something yesterday that I totally agree with. She said (and I paraphrase) that we come to this faith and then we immediately jump to trying to be all perfect and obedient and follow a list of do's and dont's and we totally skip learning about how God loves us. We don't allow the Holy Spirit to really get that message to the core of who we are. She said maybe we need to spend a little time away from any other kind of teaching, away from the fears that can be instilled in a Christian even at church, and just rest our head on the chest of a loving Father, letting Him speak His love to us.
So I think I need to do that. I'm so tired of thinking my same old self-defeating thoughts. I'm so tired of feeling unlovable. Maybe I need to study God's attributes from HIS perspective only and stop clouding my mind with the opinions of others. Just HIS word. And me. Reading about love and putting myself in the stories of love He left for us in His book. I've never really done that. I'm going to start with imagining me being the woman at the well. In those days it was an incredibly big deal for Jesus to talk to me. And then He knows all my stuff and still talks to me, looks at me, loves me enough to tell me I'm worth changing my ways. He points out that the way I'm trying to fill myself isn't really working and that He wants fill me with something that won't fail me. Him. His love and water, leaving no space for emptiness.
God has been driving home a point and I'm not sure why I can't seem to seek it or hold on to it. Every speaker or teacher I come across these last few months wants to talk to me about God's love. You wanna know why something so simple and obvious is tricky for me?
I don't think I believe in it as much as I'd like to say that I do.
Of course my head knows this isn't true. But somewhere along the way I started to get pretty insecure, to feel like I'm not worth waiting for. I'm sure there are a myriad of reasons that I don't need to go into, but for now I just really need to figure out how to feel loved by God. He is making it quite clear that He's trying and for some odd reason I'm resisting. Maybe I'm afraid of what He might reveal, what I might need to get rid of, or do. I'm starting to realize that's pretty silly since His plan and even the ways He works stuff out of me are probably pretty incredibly cool.
In my previous post about the Potter and the clay, I talked about this incredible love because I'm just starting to really grasp it. Isn't that funny? I've grown up with Christianity and I'm just now starting to get the love part. To really get it. What exactly does it look like? What does it feel like to really know it? And I'm starting to see that if I don't truly allow myself to learn more about that kind of love and believe God when He says it, then nothing else will work.
An amazing woman said something yesterday that I totally agree with. She said (and I paraphrase) that we come to this faith and then we immediately jump to trying to be all perfect and obedient and follow a list of do's and dont's and we totally skip learning about how God loves us. We don't allow the Holy Spirit to really get that message to the core of who we are. She said maybe we need to spend a little time away from any other kind of teaching, away from the fears that can be instilled in a Christian even at church, and just rest our head on the chest of a loving Father, letting Him speak His love to us.
So I think I need to do that. I'm so tired of thinking my same old self-defeating thoughts. I'm so tired of feeling unlovable. Maybe I need to study God's attributes from HIS perspective only and stop clouding my mind with the opinions of others. Just HIS word. And me. Reading about love and putting myself in the stories of love He left for us in His book. I've never really done that. I'm going to start with imagining me being the woman at the well. In those days it was an incredibly big deal for Jesus to talk to me. And then He knows all my stuff and still talks to me, looks at me, loves me enough to tell me I'm worth changing my ways. He points out that the way I'm trying to fill myself isn't really working and that He wants fill me with something that won't fail me. Him. His love and water, leaving no space for emptiness.
"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed, says the Lord, who has compassion on you." Isa. 54:10
P.S. I'll be posting little updates as a way to keep myself accountable to doing this. I usually get distracted and forget. I'm probably not the only one who needs a little dose of love... so I hope we can take this little trip together, learning that there's a Father who really is watching the horizon to see the faces of children He never forgot and eagerly awaits. Simply to start by showing us His unfailing love.
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