Never Gone

When I get a little of my own head space, away from the demands of every day life as a mom, I think. Well, I think all the time, too much really, but I think even more when I get a moment to myself. So the shower is a great place for ideas. Thoughts flow there, just like the water, with no interruptions.

Sometimes I take really short showers because I have to jump out and write something down. It's like God is showering me with His wisdom, and I have to take note so I won't forget what He taught me in a moment by myself.

I set that up like I'm about to share something super powerful and life-changing. I'm not because I don't think that's possible. Light bulb, or "ah-hah" moments usually aren't shared at the same moment in someone else's mind. Nor in the same way. Sometimes I repeat one of these moments to someone and they just stare at me like, "well yeah....duh." Maybe that's because those moments really are too personal, speaking to your heart in a way that will never happen again. It can't be repeated even within yourself. It's like waking and trying hard to hold onto the last moments of an interesting dream. Usually you just can't get it back in the same vivid and profound way.

When I have these moments and feel as if God said something just for me, I feel loved. It's so amazing that He "lifts the veil," helping me gain wisdom and experience the reality of His truths. Those truths are always freeing. His whispers are always meant to bring me further from a rut I've been in. Sometimes He says it through a wise friend. Sometimes at church. But mostly He speaks it straight to the heart because that's where He's always looking.

It has been good for me to rest in that idea. To realize that God is most interested in my heart. He sees all that I am there, and is slowly showing me His love in those quiet moments. He says that underneath it all, I'm His. That's it. Loved. Despite the things I'd like to get caught up in focusing on about myself, He sees the core of my heart, the image of Himself. That can't be removed. Hidden sometimes, maybe yes. Covered a bit by my own history, but never gone.

"I'm gonna start with the scraps of the truth. I was starting to see that the past might color the future, but it didn't determine it. And if I could believe that, it was much easier to let go of what I'd done wrong." - Paige, in Harvesting the Heart by Jodi Picoult