Below is my latest email from Jessica. Her thoughts have taken a turn from the topic of our last few posts, which is just fine. We're on to humility now. Does she know how to ask good questions, or what? I'll put my own thoughts into post form soon. For now, here's Jess:
I wanted to kind of go in a different direction. I finally had a sort of epiphany about HOW to ask what I was thinking about. It's been stewing for a long while, and it started from somewhere away from blogland but was reinforced when you pointed me to the conversion blog. It's about the term HUMBLE or having humility, and all its implicated meanings.
I feel that I am humble (or at least trying to be each day) in my everyday existence. I am constantly reinforced to NOT judge when I hear others dishing out how they think person X should have handled a situation or how person Y should have responded to another situation. I feel that I can never sit and tell another how they should behave because I am not them, I have not lived their life, and what they want for themselves may not be what I think they need. I try and remind myself of these things so that I will not judge and can be humbled by the fact that many people find the "RIGHT" ways for themselves, find better solutions, greater paths, and endure more than I could imagine. I am constantly reminded that I have not experienced nearly an IOTA of what others have, and this alone humbles my existence in my eyes.
What I cannot seem to FEEL is the concept of being humble towards God. That's not to say I feel braggerdly or greater than God, just that I can't seem to get to the "fall to my knees at the mere thought of you" humility. I think because the very existence is questionable for me, intangible, and therefore difficult to feel "small" in comparison. I am certainly amazed and in awe of things around me that live and thrive since the beginning of time. I am amazed that we can grow full human beings in our bellies, I am amazed that trees live and die and live and die in cycles, and keep coming back to green up our lives. I am amazed that people have been able to make amazing creations with things found on Earth. I just don't know how to get to HUMBLE with respect to God and religion. I am still so in the "moment" of being here on Earth that I cannot feel "at his mercy" or "weak with sin" as a humble human.
Does any of this make sense? When I asked my husband about this concept, he talked a LOT but then finished with how I need to stop looking to others to "get" God and religion, and stop looking to others to figure out how to live the life I obviously am seeking but already living. He said all I have to do is look in the mirror to find a humble human living like God would want. He said the fact that I come home a day after he and I have had an argument and continue going on about the night, keeping peace in the home, feeding him with the children, etc. shows acts of being humble and doing what is right versus what I might FEEL like doing. Do you think?
Thanks for being patient with me.