Sometimes I wonder if the longing for something that looks like "church" isn't sort of the same longing that we homeschooling parents sometimes have for those "school" type things. I know that I look back and think of the good times I had at school, and I get all nostalgic, and I wonder if I'm cheating Mane out of something, some experience she isn't getting to have. Then I remember that I'm homeschooling to give her a different kind of experience, one that I hope will be equally positive (or more) and that she'll have plenty of nostalgia about someday. It just won't be the same nostalgia I feel for my school days.
I know I feel that same nostalgia about church. I remember the Bible verses and the Sunday School songs and the people who loved me. Then I want those things for Mane, and I wonder why we aren't going to church. It could be, though, that it's just the same as homeschooling. Mane isn't having the same experiences I had. She's having different ones. Maybe she's having some better ones. And, hopefully, she'll be able to look back fondly someday on the things we did together as a family, the people we met along the way on this faith journey, and the experiences we had.
It's a fine line, a balancing act, a bit of a blur to distinguish: What am I wanting because I really need it, and what am I wanting just for the familiarity and safety. How do I trust my intuition when my intuition is so connected to my emotion? How do I trust my own decisions when they fall so outside the mainstream?
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Still no answers. But this is what came to me after Part 2. And, I realize that Part 2 sounds a bit too much like an easy answer following Part 1. I was just so amazed at how miraculously that prayer book seemed to have dropped into our laps when we needed it the most. It seemed, in some ways, a confirmation that we could really do some of this at home, that we don't need a church building and a church service to develop a practice of prayer, even some liturgy and tradition. It seems like that's something we could all learn, whether we attend church or not. For us, it filled a desperate need.
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4 comments:
The prayer book thing made perfect sense to me. Just saying :)
You're thinking this through and sorting it out and trying trying to KNOW...and I think God is still saying BE STILL AND KNOW...He is God everywhere and your journey is your own. That sort of thing. But you knew that. I just want to encourage you, so that's how I mean it.
Love you.
Thanks, Heather! We seem to be sorting our way through a bit of a confusing time. Some things are going SO WELL and it's all SO RIGHT and other things are a bit fuzzzzzy.
"How do I trust my intuition when my intuition is so connected to my emotion? How do I trust my own decisions when they fall so outside the mainstream?" These questions really resonate with me... It's a balancing act, that's so true. Figuring out what is best for our families isn't easy. I met Jesse's best friend's girlfriend the other night when we went out to Murrays... Turns out she went to Steward Montessori... her dad's a chiropractor who treats alot of children with autism... And she wasn't vaccinated. Even though she's in her 20s, she said she hasn't run into many problems with it -- maybe partly because she was on the side of non-traditional for much of her educational experience. Yet, it was still in a school setting... It made me feel better anyway. She's not so odd, and I would never have known if I hadn't delved deeper. That's the kind of experience I want to give my daughter... Churchwise... schoolwise... and in all areas. Even after all these years, it's still hard to buck the mainstream schools of thought though. It takes constant awareness and decision.
I've given up the church scene and not because I was looking for something more. I needed something less, more simple and less stressful. I'm so much more happier and relaxed now. I still pray constantly and grab my bible now and then. It's nice not to be chained down with weekly commitments in one location. I have Jesus all the time with me everywhere I go.
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