The "I" in Church

I had a sinking feeling the other day. I started to wonder what Miles had been told about Easter at school. He goes to a Christian preschool, and I suddenly realized this meant that, most likely, the Crucifixion story had been...covered. So one day last week, on the couch being silly, I asked him what he knew about Easter.

Nothing.

Nothing? Didn't they talk about it at school?

Yeah, but I don't want to talk about it.

Oh. Why?

They put nails in his hands and feet in wood and I don't know why he had to do that.

(Long pause while I was think think thinking fast.) I rub his little hand and I say,

Honey, it's okay that you don't understand. I don't think you're supposed to understand because you're four and your brain isn't ready to understand. How about if you try not to worry about it for now and if you have questions, we can always talk about it.

I said this all calm and reassuring like, but to be honest, there was a tornado in my head and heart. An angry tornado.

He is FOUR! He's scared and this will take a long time to undo. Anyone who doesn't believe that needs to take some time to consider the development of a child. Before they are old enough to own who they are, they are asked to give up who they are. That's what Jesus did for you, now you need to give your life to Jesus. But how are they to know what they are giving, or how?

Some think this teaching at a very young age gives roots and a foundation and I can't begrudge or judge that...I need to simply consider what I want to do for my boys.

I want to be so careful about what those roots are buried in, and with what that foundation is made of. Fear? Guilt? Shame? Or hope? Trust? Joy?

When thinking through his relationship to church and God in his book, Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller writes, "Perhaps it was because my Sunday School classes did much to help us memorize the ten commandments and little to teach us who God was and how to relate to Him, or perhaps it was because they did and I wasn't listening."

I'm sure it's much of both in my life. As a child, I wasn't very good at listening. Like most kids, I wasn't ready to sit and soak in things that were, for the most part, above my developmental head. And so, the stories and rules for life fell a bit flat, and then they were heard so many times, they became background noise.

This is my fear. When all that pressure is on, at such a young age, it solidifies what is already true of children...I am the center of the universe. We do that in church. In an effort to teach a person, to get them to take responsibility, to see their sin, we focus focus focus on not only the do's and dont's, but almost soley, in nearly every church I've ever entered, on ourselves and our lives. We sit around trying to perfect our own faith.

It's all about me. Am I getting this right? Am I getting this wrong?

Of course we do need some focus on these things, right and wrong. We need to learn. I'm not saying there's no place for it. I'm saying something else I'm not even sure I can articulate. Maybe simply that we focus on it more than anything else and in my mind that's too much.

After I quit drinking I had an email conversation with some Christian friends of mine. They were not at all judgmental, just curious, when they asked, "As a Christian, how did you keep drinking when you knew it was wrong?" Well, that turned our email conversation into quite a long one. Part of that conversation had to do with being brought up in the church. I told them that one thing I've seen now, after quitting, is that there is more unconditional love in a meeting of drunks than in any church I've ever been in. And beyond even that, there is more holiness, more redemption, and more freedom than anywhere I've ever been in this life. It is just so full of the bigger picture of hope.

I read this today, and it helped to solidify my thought process:

People often ask what makes (this program-12 step meetings) work. One of the answers is that (this program) works because it gets people away from themselves as the center of the universe.

A person cannot sit in these meetings and think much of themselves. It's nearly impossible. It isn't about shame, that's not what I'm saying. It's about telling the truth, exactly as it is, and knowing you're safe. When you witness people doing that, there is no room in your head and heart for yourself. Not in those moments, because the whole truth is full of holiness, and in holiness we experience moments of freedom from ourselves. And then it becomes a practice, a meditation almost. I will just sit here and listen, that is all I will do...and we will find true fellowship in honesty and then we will see the face of God and know Him. In mercy. In acceptance. In forgiveness.

What happens next is what keeps us sober. We listen...and then we help not with 'you must do this' and 'you must do that,' but in sharing what has worked for us. Sometimes we help by simply listening, and then mostly by encouraging. In this moment, you are in the right place. Tomorrow you will think of tomorrow. Yesterday is done, and you are here and that is good. That is enough. Judgment isn't allowed and it doesn't come naturally because no one there is pretending to be anything. We are in a position that forces only one issue: we are all the same.

In short, this experience brings me closer to an understanding of who God is and how to relate to Him. And other than that I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I'm thinking out loud. I'm processing.

What my children's faith is rooted in is extremely important to me. They can turn into good kids who follow the rules and talk the talk and even walk the walk, but if their faith is rooted in self and the fear of that self, it is empty. The road to spiritual maturity will be that much longer, and I know exactly what that's like. I still have so far to go, so far, and I cannot deny that I'm starting to recognize why.

Am I blaming the church? No. Am I recognizing that we have to be careful how and what we teach and when? Yes. We do so many things, teach so many things, from programs, ritual and religion. I am desperate to experience something different and even more, I'm desperate for my children to experience something different. And I don't know what to do.

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Have you thought about this? If you grew up being taught in the church, what do you think needs to change? What are the benefits in your mind? If you don't do the church thing and yet you're a believer, why don't you go? Please think along with me and let's refrain from judgment. I'm not looking for concrete answers, but simply, a conversation.

I am not at all trying to turn people away from church. I realize it is not about what you get, but what you give, but I do think there can be a tone that stunts that. I want to go. I want my family to go. We go. I know that many good things come from going. But to be honest, I've only attended one church that had me feeling like I belong. It was a life-giving and unconditional place. The diversity had a sameness to it. There was a spirit to the place that I can't describe...something that is missing from any other church I've attended. That's just the honest truth, but maybe it's just me.

I Don't Know (Miles chose that title and I think it's perfect)

The term Church definitely means different things to different people. Some people read the Bible to mean that we are called to attend church (the building). Some may interpret Scripture to mean that Church is simply the body of Christ in communion, fellowship, and service to one another wherever that might be.

I don't know that we can find a "right" answer to which Church term is "correct." (But please give me scripture if you know of it, backing one side or the other.) I don't know that there is sound biblical evidence that I'm to attend a church building each Sunday in order to be doing this Christianity thing "right."

After reading the post from Midnight Cafe, I thought of how their family home schools. They do not have their daughter enrolled in classes at a school building with paid teachers and staff. But they do have school on a daily basis. They are doing school. Whether or not it's as organized as it is at a private or public school building, it is still school. It is learning, challenge, growth, stretching, reading, writing, interpreting, investigating, hypothesizing. If done in such a way that meets the individual needs of Mango, it serves it's purpose. Possibly even more fully than she could be served within the actual walls of an actual school.

Now I realize that this isn't necessarily the perfect analogy. But bear with me. What I'm getting at is individuality. We're all made in the image of God, but we're all unique too. Some were made to be teachers, some learners, some seekers, some thinkers, some talkers, some doers, whatever it may be. I'm starting to wonder how much of our individual make-up decides for us how we define Church. Just as some families need a structured school environment to be able to learn effectively and others thrive in a school setting right at home.

Maybe some people need church (the building) every Sunday and some do not.

Maybe some people have a personality that allows them the ability to focus on God and "do" Church on a daily basis, fellowshipping with family and friends, talking about God, teaching one another and serving each other with all the love they can muster. These people may even be blessed with an immediate family that is all fired up for the things of God, just constantly exuding His goodness, all parts of the family working together as "hands and feet." I've heard of this and seen it with my own two eyes. It is rare and beautiful and it makes sense to me that the desire for an organized church setting would be so little in the face of such spiritual abundance (Church) at home or in your immediate surroundings. This can happen with an individual too, who lives focused on the heart of God and seeking Church in all their relationships and experiences. Some people are blessed with the ability to see things spiritually without weekly reminders at a church building.

Then there are others that need Church (the building) in order to stay focused and to feel connected to the body. To find ways to serve. To be reminded on a weekly basis what life is all about. Maybe these people don't have a lot of natural spiritual support and flounder without this weekly connection to the family they have in Christ. Maybe some people need church or they totally lose sight of what they're here for, they can't focus, they struggle. They need a concrete sense of accountability and maybe even a concrete sense of boundaries, a reminder of God's love restricting some of what we do so we don't hurt ourselves or others as much as we would without these concrete reminders. And for these people, a large part of Church (the building) is the community, as Riley commented on. Some people have no other real sense of community, or have a very isolative existence, so they need weekly community gathering in order to fulfill the call to be in service to one another. I think this is the majority of people today because we do live such individual lives. Most people don't live in any kind of community setting and may even have limited friendships.

You get the idea.

The problem for many people in either of the shoes described above, is that finding real community in Church (the building) is definitely hard. It's sad. That has been said by each person giving input here. It's hard to find. And that's hard to swallow. I wonder what God thinks about that? What does He think of the Church today, the Church His people have created with good intentions (and some not-so-good). I wonder what He thinks about how difficult it is to find a "home" among "His people." For those that do need this structured routine, this place to feel safe, this place to call home, it is rarely what we're looking for. Or for those who simply love it, like Sabrina: the music, the teaching, the encouragement, it's even hard to feel comfortable when you're coming at it with this good attitude.

I guess the question is individual. What is God speaking to me personally? What do I need? What does my family need? I will be honest here and say that we need church (the building) in my particular family. We need a concrete focus. We're a household of ADD folk with little patience and easy-to-flounder personalities. That's us. If we don't have concrete set-apart time for learning and spiritual community we tend to watch too much TV and spend too much time on the internet, rather than talk about what really matters, pray together or spend time serving others in our community. Our hearts are in the right place, we just have a tendency to get distracted quite easily. I think the weekly ritual of church helps center us on what we believe and reminds us of who we want to be. Some people have all of that without having to attend a weekly meeting to find it. And I think that's okay too. I'm a bit jealous actually. I really wish I were more focused and self-disciplined if left to my own choices for learning and growing.

I don't think either choice is wrong? Is that way off base? Maybe I'll never know in this life.

Just more fuel to the conversation fire.

Some "Finding a Church" Wisdom

After my last post on feeling uncomfortable (again) in church, I received an email response that I couldn't help but want to share here. This email was exactly what I needed for reasons I won't explain in this post. I'll let you make your own conclusions as you read this well-articulated, non-judgmental view on the importance of church, and what issues need our consideration before making a decision of where to attend. I've highlighted a few things that really got me thinking, and I'd love to hear what you think. Give it a read, it's worth your time:

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We got your email and I read the post. Yes, first, it is sad--regardless of whatever reasons, or whoever's "fault", it is sad when we can't feel at home in a church. So I hear you there. I obviously didn't hear the pastor, but some of what I "do" with that thinking, whether or not he intended it, is:

I distinguish between attending church as a legalism that we "must" do to be Christian, and attending because I do think it is the biblical way. It seems Jesus continued to go to "church" pretty much through out his life, especially early on. He went to Synagogue, listened to the teachers, even did some teaching--I think Jesus was first and foremost a Jew, not creating something over-against Judaism--his life and ministry was grounded in the church and Torah. Eventually he didn't have a "place to lay his head", but that doesn't mean he didn't want to (I think).

It sounds like the pastor's message sounds condemning or exclusionary. To that extent, it is not gospel, and should make you feel uneasy. If I want to listen to the sentiments though (from a distance), I've changed my way of thinking about the church to more of what he's getting at (without the overstatement and condemnation:) For a long time I was primarily wounded and sad about church, that I couldn't find one that I felt really accepted in, and to a lesser extent, that I basically agreed with the theology/worldview. I always had an ideal that our family life and my ministry would be rooted in a church home, but it just wasn't happening--it was very sad, and isolating, and I was very cynical/sarcastic (which exacerbated the "not being accepted" part....I was probably a hard guy to accept). So, what changed for us/me, was partly my own work which included clarifying my actual beliefs and passion (vs. what I thought I should believe), and some soul-searching on how I wasn't as able as I liked to say, to open myself up to real friendships. In other words, I mostly blamed others for not accepting me, but as I got honest, I realized 1) I didn't accept myself that much, 2) Being on the "fringes" was more comfortable for me than I thought, 3) I was not accepting others about as much as I blamed them for not accepting me. It was a humbling, and freeing time.

Those were the first steps. The fact remained though, that even if I did alot of my own "work" to open up and let go of some of my resentment and "righteousness", there are still many churches/denominations I just couldn't be a part of any longer. I realized leaving the AG wouldn't just be for my sake, but for their sake too--It was healing and liberating when I let go of the AG, not in reaction/judgment, but in getting realistic about the differences, and how they were genuine (no one's fault....and insurmountable), I was able to claim the gifts I got from my AG heritage, and maybe most importantly, thank them, and bless them to continue in God's work the way they felt called to (even though it wasn't my call). This is where I "might"? agree with the pastor: I really do believe that the Christian life is not primarily an individual thing, or even family thing, but that is grounded in the church, in fact a particular church--I mean this as a positive not legalism. Placing my "story" in the context of a church, and the heritage of that church and the global church, has broadened my faith to something beyond just me, just my "decision". It is a gift from God, found in the "story" of the church--it is grown and even safeguarded by the church. This is pretty Lutheran thinking, but it's pretty much where I'm at. It has melted my heart to think I'm not alone, it's not up to me to "do" my faith under my own power, but to be held up in grace through the history of the church--in some real sense I am a Christian because I commune with the church (not legalistically:), but the church as a gift, as a "people growing place" where I can be flawed and screwed up and scared and lazy on a personal level, but still be wrapped up in the grace found in the body until I am able to grow, from that grace, to the "next" place I can become.

So, 1) I did/am doing a lot of personal work, 2) That wasn't the end of the story, I had to find a "good enough" fit (never ever perfect) where I could be myself and have "enough" people be genuinely interested in me, and me in them, to be able to talk openly, and feel accepted "enough" to grow and face each other, self, and God. I'm not a flame'n liberal, but frankly, I could no longer be a part of the AG or most baptist, E-Free, type churches. There are significant differences--the easiest theological distinction to raise is whether a church ultimately sees the world as "us" (saved) and "them" (unsaved), or not. Of course there's something to this, but does the church have this distinction as the primary piece of their identity and mission? Arguably all/most AG/Baptist/Efree churches do think this I think--they try to be "nice" about it, and "caring" for the unbeliever (in there assessment), but the fact remains, there is a pervasive and enduring "culture/worldview" of judgment, unavoidably built into the fabric of the church. When this is it at the heart of identity, it naturally gets applied within the walls of the church too!

So, I don't know where you're at, but if you are "somewhat liberal" like you say (I know I am), it might be time to do some soul-searching, grieving, and decision-making??? I'm admittedly biased here--I think theology/worldview/culture of churches are extremely important. Not because of "right" and "wrong" but because it has real, felt, effect on our spiritual health and livelihood--I could care less about alot of theological topics in the church, if the underlying ethos is humility first, followed by openness and genuine interest in each other, and those outside who are different--assuming first that God is working in the lives of all even if they differ from us--maybe we could be just as off base as they are--that's the most important part for me--when that's the primary culture, the rest can be "worked out" with freedom and trust.

There are alot of us struggling evangelicals out there, I feel your pain, and really wish the best for you and your family!!
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Where Two or More are Gathered, Communion, and Church

I think I might be either overly rebellious (entirely possible) or overly sensitive (totally possible) or both (pretty sure that's it).

Because when I sit in many of the churches we've been to, at least once during the sermon, I wince. Or my heart starts to race. Or I start looking around wondering if anyone else is shocked and notice no one seems to have felt a thing.

I'm frustrated. Mostly with myself. I don't expect a church to cater completely to the needs of my family. It's just that so many times, like I've said before, I come away feeling as if I don't fit in. Then I wonder why no one else seems uncomfortable, and figure it could just be my rebellious, cynical nature. Maybe I just don't like hearing certain things. Maybe they don't sit right with me because I don't want to have to change. Maybe the double-edged sword is a bit too much for me to handle in my immaturity sometimes. Maybe I hear things through my somewhat liberal ears, twisting what the person is saying so I can be offended and say, "I told you so, another judgmental closed-minded sermon."

Other times I think there's no way around it. Something is said that seems so far off, I never want to come back again. But I don't want my family to switch churches every six months when we're hopeful we've found a church home, then suddenly surprised by the misrepresentation of the word of God. I don't want to find out that things I hold dear are not being lived out. I don't want to feel as if there is no way the Holy Spirit is a part of the services, classes and other gatherings. I'm frustrated.

Today the pastor spoke on communion and the doctrinal beliefs behind it. All was well and good until he got a bit fired up and said some things that didn't sit well with me. I tried to check myself, asking myself not to judge him. I tried to understand where he's coming from, what he could mean. The sermon took a turn when the pastor started to talk about a poll that was done asking baby boomers if they're attending members of a church community. Many of the boomers answered that they would call themselves Christians, but they did not attend church each Sunday and were not members of any certain church.

I understand that the body of Christ is a vital aspect to faith. We hold each other up, we teach one another, and we even keep each other in line a bit, wanting to see one another living the fullest of lives possible. I agree with that.

But then the pastor started to talk about how "absurd" it would be to call yourself a Christian and not go to church.

He talked about the act of taking communion, and it's mysterious power when we do it together. True. That's cool. But then he said that if you were to take communion at home, with no one else there, "Jesus will not show up." He used the "where two or more are gathered" verse and basically said if there are less than two, God will not be there. He was specifically talking about communion.

I'm still chewing on this, so forgive me for rambling and thinking out loud a bit.

Then he also said that what you do in the world as an individual Christian is basically useless. It has to be done as a part of a church body (he was meaning a body that meets on Sundays, not the body). He said that handing out tracts on a corner by yourself does nothing for the people that read them (I'm not a fan of this method either, but I wouldn't be surprised if God has spoken love to someone at some point even through tracts.) He then moved on to say that loving people on your own, not representing a church, does nothing for the person you are loving. Because in the end it doesn't last. The person would not be witnessing Christ because they could just go and find the next person to love them, someone that may not even be a Christian and they'd find the same thing there. Basically saying that if your love cannot be traced back to a church or ministry, it is separate from Christianity.

I'm pretty sure that I think this is way off. Maybe I'm missing something. Yes, the church can definitely be effective in the world for those reasons, but first of all, how often is it effective in our world today? And what did Christ mean by "the Church?" And I sure hope that God still shows up when I'm not a part of a church community, because I can't seem to find one.

Mostly I'm just sad. Sad that we just can't find a home. A church where our kids can love other kids and learn about God. A place that doesn't sneak up and hit us over the head with stuff we just can't swallow. I was hopeful and now I'm disappointed again. Maybe it's wrong to not go back and give more chances. But to be honest, we had already heard a few things that didn't sit well with us, and we kept coming back because we were hopeful about the lovely congregation and children's programs.

But we don't want our kids to hear these kinds of messages either. I'm so frustrated.

Maybe I'm Just Thinking Out Loud About Church

I was sitting in church the other day wondering why I've never felt like I fit in. This discontent sneaks up on me. I probably shouldn't feel it in the prescence of other believers, but I do. Like I'm all itchy and uncomfortable. It reminds me of how I have a tendency to feel with my in-laws. Like people are trying to consider me family, and they have good intentions, but it's sort of forced.

I like the whole "small group movement" in church these days because it's an opportunity to get real. But then again, I'm not too good at attempting those either because I feel like I'm expected to get close to people I maybe naturally wouldn't have gotten close to. Maybe I'm just a brat.

Here's what I think would be a really cool church:
Maybe there wouldn't even be a building. The "Church" would be people. And the people would come together naturally because of what they believe and a divine connection they feel to one another. Like how I feel with my dearest friends. So I guess it would be them. And we'd all live in the same neighborhood. We would be together like the disciples were because we're just so crazy about figuring out what God is really saying about a whole lot of things. We wouldn't neccasarily have to do church meetings on Sundays because it would just be happening naturally any day of the week. Praying over a meal could turn into "praise and worship,"because we'd get all fired up praying about all the things God is doing in our lives. We would share the truth of who we really are on a regular basis without fear because we would love each other too much to judge. We would share in every day conversation what God is teaching us as we seek Him. So I guess those conversations would be the sermons. We would be left refreshed and inspired by talking regularly about the goodness of God and the gifts He has given us to fulfill an amazing purpose that only we hold. Last but not least, all would be welcome and we'd keep the potlucks. There's nothing like a good potluck.