Saturday, May 31, 2008

The Parent Heart of God

I've been thinking about how much of the struggle to really let myself be loved by God is completely natural. Having two babies has revealed that to me in ways I don't think I understood before. Because those babies started out with such unflinching trust in my love, and then slowly and subtly it has a tendency to shift and change. They experience my humanness and it creeps into their doubtless world and steals a little bit of that trust. Like I said, it's completely natural. No one can attain perfection in parenting no matter how much we wish we could and so it just....happens. This loss of a pure belief in love is not only due to imperfect parents, although most of us would like to blame our own. But it's also that we then venture out into a difficult and surprisingly painful world and sooner or later, we put our human experience on God. We are either downright upset with Him for allowing any of the pain, or at least subconsciously, we begin to put some sort of human attributes on Him.

The "love lesson" God is teaching me these days comes from my love for my children. Not that this love, even as a mother, could ever be as raw and radically accepting as that of our Father in Heaven. But maybe it's a good start in seeing what His love looks like.

Knowing how I love my boys is a beautiful glimpse into the unfaltering and nurturing heart of God. I am crazy about them. I think they are the best two boys to ever hit the planet. Of course I do, I'm their mom. I've been keeping a very close eye on them since their very first breaths.

As they grow older and there are times I don't do right by them, I pray these two boys will never completely doubt my love for them. Hopefully they never will. It would break my heart if they did. I know fully that I could never stop loving them, not even for a moment. There is absolutely nothing they could do to lose my love, my attention, or even my time. I will always notice the things, big and little, that make them lovable. I really want them to believe that. Mostly because if they ever don't believe it, they will be finding themselves unlovable. That's just ridiculous. If it happened, I would tell them a million reasons why my love for them is unconditional. I wouldn't want to stop until they believed. And if they wouldn't hear me, if they just couldn't listen, I would wait expectantly with a thousand words on the tip of my tongue, ready to pour out my love for them. They are beyond lovable, perfect just as they are, and there will never again be anyone like them. My heart does a little leap just at the thought of them. It really does.

And this is the beginning of a greater understanding of God's love. He thinks the same way of me, and more. He has done nothing to steal away my child-like, unflinching trust. It has been my limited understanding of Him that has done that. His kind of love is not of this world. It's beyond human understanding, but still worth seeking.
There is a real freedom and joy that comes with searching after the goodness of God's heart and asking Him what He really thinks of me.
I imagine He's been waiting expectantly for me to ask Him to pour His love on me, despite anything I have ever done. After all, there is absolutely nothing I could do to up and lose His love. He is still there, I have His attention, and even His time.

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